This will be EXTREMELY weird, but: I feel like I don't want to seek out relationships with girls, even if I can develop attraction towards them. For example, if I had a best friend named Sally, I may develop strong feelings of love for her, but I will not seek out a romantic relationship with her. However, if she asks me out, I will definitely say YES - and I'll be happy in that relationship. What is this? With boys, it's different. I will develop attractions towards them and I will long for a relationship. I think this was the thing that made me think I was actually just gay instead of bi/pan - I didn't necessarily WANT relationships with girls, but I COULD and be happy in one. I also typically find guys more attractive right off the bat, but I end up thinking everyone looks cute and pretty after I befriend them, anyway. Am I making any sense here? And if so, does this make me bi/pan? (For the record, non-binary people fall in between - sometimes I will look for a relationship and other times I will not.) If you have any questions, definitely post them and I'll do my best to answer. And hopefully I didn't offend anyone here, I'm just very confused.
I'm not sure I get your confusion. You sound like you know what you like when you see/meet it. Instead of working to find a label that makes perfect sense, why not just try feeling what you feel for a while, go out with the people you're attracted to, pursue the people you're drawn to pursue, and *then* (after a year or two maybe) look for patterns and figure out what label (if any) makes sense?
That's going to be difficult. There are a lot of things that are preventing me from dating, or, at the very least, will complicate things severely. I'm just wondering if what I feel for girls is actually romantic attraction, and why I don't seek a romantic relationship with them. It's a bit like preference, but the more I think about it, the less that makes sense. When I first think of my future, it's with a man, but I'm certain that it won't matter to me in the end. It's difficult to explain.
Hmm. You sound pretty sure of your attractions. Might it be that you don't seek out relationships with girls because you're afraid of disappointing, or you feel that you're not ready? To put it another way, do you feel more comfortable/prepared with the dynamics of a relationship with a boy than with a girl? Maybe it's that you do want a relationship, but whereas with guys you're more likely to be active and go-getting in terms of building relationships with girls you feel more comfortable being passive (after all you said you'd love to be asked out by the hypothetical girl)? Other than that... maybe if you just do a page-dump of your comparative images of each type of relationship. I'm not sure if this will help at all, but... hoping it gives you a few more ideas
So wait for a better time to date. In the meantime, pay attention to who you seem to feel attracted to. If you *can't* date right now, that could at least partially explain why you don't seek romantic relationships with girls...it would be a bit pointless, no?
I'm not sure if it's an actual romantic attraction. With boys, I have the urge to kiss on the lips and cuddle hardcore - which is basically like sex for me, since I don't have the desire to have actual sexual intercourse. But with girls, the idea of kissing them on the lips isn't really desirable at all. I can cuddle with a girl too - but not as actively and intimately (e.g., biting, nuzzling, kissing) - I'll just wrap my arms around her and sit there, enjoying the moment, while with a boy, I'd probably be like a hyperactive puppy or something. I made a thread about this before. Here's a post I made: Spoiler Someone mentioned that I'm probably attracted to men and women, but only sensually attracted to men. In that case, should I consider myself bi or gay? Especially since I don't actually 'lust after' women - only men. For an analogy, it's like I have an apple and a peach. I can eat and enjoy both, but I never, ever choose the apple and always choose the peach. If there are no peaches, I don't eat the apple either. It's only when someone hands me the apple or cuts it up for me that I will eat the apple. Peach = man. Apple = woman. I'm not sure if I'm making sense. Sorry to ramble. What do you mean by a page-dump, though? --------------------------------------------- I'm not really looking for a relationship right now. I feel as if I'm not ready yet, regardless of gender. I'm just trying to find a secure label, and although I know it's not entirely necessary, it's still good to have a solid idea.
Sorry, maybe I should have clarified. I just meant a kind of stream-of-consciousness thing about all the thoughts you have on the different, er... "properties" of how you view men vs women. Basically just writing loads of thoughts up freestyle. But, it looks like you did that in your last post . So to me it sounds like you take a more active and dare I say it passionate interest in guys compared to girls. Are you saying you'd go along with a relationship with a girl if she proposed one explicitly to you, but otherwise look for guys/not bother? To me the sensual attraction explanation sounds like there's something to it. In any case it seems like you're attracted more strongly to guys than girls, if you're willing to do more to go out and find a relationship to a guy, as that implies a deeper longing in a way. Well, maybe you could view yourself as bi-leaning towards men or homoflexible, it sounds here like you're more, uh... committed to guys. I'll leave it to you of course, it's your orientation not mine but that's what things sound like to me at the moment. Just to check, am I making sense or succeeding in making sense of what you're saying?
Yeah, you're making sense. And yeah, I'd go along with a relationship with a girl if she proposed one explicitly to me, but otherwise look for guys or not bother. When I read over it, it sort of sounds like I'm a gay guy desperate for a relationship, but I don't think that's the case. I will turn down a girl if I didn't feel anything for her and will do the same for boys. It's just that I seem to take the initiative when it comes to guys, but not when it comes to girls. And I'm not sure why, or if it even means something. You mentioning homoflexible made me remember something I wrote? I think I identified as homoflexible once, but... not sure what the difference was between a bi person who has a preference and a gay person who is... well... flexible.
Well, there's no reason why you have to be attracted to guys and girls in similar ways. Because you seem to treat the question of how to go after a relationship very differently for guys and girls. Maybe it's just a matter of your general personality or outlook, it might not have to mean much in terms of your orientation. In general social terms, I tend to treat different people differently based on how I gauge them and my relative position to them- perhaps it's a little like that. I think you must have some feelings for girls, if you would accept a relationship with a girl and know there are times you want to share moments with a girl. It sounds like two different types of romance, almost. That you feel an emotional, idyllic type for girls and a more intense/fun type for guys. So are there any things you might miss from girls in a relationship with a guy or vice versa? I think you do have feelings if you're sure that a relationship with a girl is what you'd want in that event- just that it doesn't come in the same form or strength as with guys. Regarding homoflexible, you could just adopt bi-with-preference instead. I guess, homoflexible is "mostly gay", as in a gay person who wouldn't really consider opposite sex encounters but when presented with an opportunity wouldn't/would hesitate to say no, whereas a bi person has a firmer idea that their attractions lean one way more but they would be happy to act on the other attractions. Well, uh... hope that helps... I fear I might have started to go in circles just a little .
If I ended up in a relationship with a girl, I feel as if I would start to miss the 'intense/fun' of a relationship with a guy. But otherwise, no. And, no, you didn't! Your posts have been really helping me, thank you. Especially for clearing up the homoflexible v. bi with a preference thing - I've been wondering about that for a while. Haha.
Glad I could be of help so it sounds like you're more on the guy side of bi then at least, especially considering that you'd feel like you'd be missing out on a couple of things in a relationship with a girl, but in any case here's hoping you find yourself and your dream partner, whoever they may be
You really don't sound all that confused to me. The difference you describe in your attractions between men and women sounds to me very similar to what many gay men describe about theirs: they *could* interact sexually with a woman (most wouldn't actually puke or die or anything), but given the alternative (men), why would they? With women (for them) sex can be mediocre at best; with men it's exciting and really gets them going. Sound familiar? In theory if not in practice (yet)? I mean, ok, I suppose you *could* identify as bisexual (Kinsey 1 maybe) if you wanted to...but I'm not sure what the attraction would be for you. I wonder a bit (and this is entirely off-the-cuff, so I hope I don't offend) if part of your interest in women is wound up with gender issues: a guy "should" be attracted to women, so you might have some desire to at least *identify* as being attracted to women even if you don't actually feel that attraction very strongly (or at all...but you could *want* to feel that attraction badly enough that you make yourself feel some version of it). Again, I'm honestly not assuming anything here...just tossing out a thought. Does it resonate at all, or am I completely off-base, do you think?
The difference between what I feel and what a gay man would feel is that I am capable of actually being attracted to a woman and being happy in a relationship with her, while a gay man will probably not be sexually attracted to a woman and will feel as if sex with her is strange and/or unfulfilling. When I put it that way, I seems as if I'm bi, but I don't actually know if my feelings for women are actually romantic attraction or something else, since I won't 'actively' want relationship. It's like this. If I was attracted to Bob, I would day dream about us being a couple. But with Sally, I just daydream about her and how lovely she is, etc etc - I wouldn't put myself in it. It's almost like admiration, but I would also get the urge to kiss her and cuddle with her - which I don't really think falls within the platonic attraction area. And with Bob, if I was brave enough, I would ask him out. But with Sally, even if I was brave enough, I wouldn't ask her out. For some reason. And it's this reason and makes me wonder - am I bi or gay? As for gender issues, no, I don't believe so. I never was the one to think that a man 'should' be with a woman. Sorry if I'm being inconcise or unclear. I may not seem like it, but I think I'm feeling pretty damn confused. Maybe I'm confusing myself. Maybe I'm confusing you. Maybe I'm confusing both of us. Maybe I should just stop overthinking it and go with the gay label, but I don't want to adapt a label that's inaccurate. I know it's impossible for some people to get a perfect, 100% fitting label, but... yeah, I just feel as if like I'd be lying if it's any other way. If I'm actually gay, though, that's okay too. I'm just trying to work things out. There's no rush, I know - but I have nothing better to do. lol.
