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Please help... I am male questioning my sexuality

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Likestolove87, Sep 15, 2014.

  1. Likestolove87

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    Hello all!

    I'm no stranger to this site. I've been around, lurking in the back. Questioning and unsure of who I am anymore.

    First off, thanks to all who keep this site going. Thriving and are willing to help at what seems to be a moments notice. I guess I'll give some info as to why I'm here.

    This started about 2 years ago. I left one relationship with a woman to be in another. I actually ended up cheating on my then girlfriend with another girl (who is my now girlfriend). The attraction between us was so strong. And I was very sexual (and still am) with her from the beginning. I was just as sexual with my past partners, mostly all females. But there is a reason I say mostly. But I'll get to that later.

    About 6 months into the relationship with my current girlfriend, I was feeling less sexual. I was sorrowing over a broken heart. I may have left one girl to be with another but I was deeply in love with the girl I cheated on/broke up with prior to meeting my current gf. In those 6 months of, I was riding around with a gay friend of mine who was telling me about the straight men he's hooked up with. And in this instance, I had this panic attack of anxiety that seemed to overwhelm me. I couldn't tell if I was all of sudden wanting to hook up with this guy or run for dear life.

    Over the course of 2+ years after this incident, I lived in fear, anxiety, questioning and self doubt. One might say even depression. Wanting a definite answer and not getting one. I've talked to plenty of people about all this and tried a few "experiments" that seemed to give me no clarity, yet more confusion. I've slept with other women, watched different types of porn, read books, seen therapists, etc... None of which has given me a clear answer.

    Now, I'll touch on my few gay experiences when I was younger. There was a boy I used to have frequent sexual encounter with when I was younger. Probably between the ages of 11-13. Really before puberty hit or when it was in full force. We would assist each other in masturbation, orally experiment and even grind on each other with no real anal penetration. The whole time I did this, I was wishing it was with a girl and when I hit 13, that part of me seemed to away and I became girl crazy. A few times in my teens, I visited gay/lesbian/straight/transgender chat rooms to get off with people. But that faded away soon to. I even watched transexual porn from time to time, but that desire fled also.

    Long story short, I've been in relationships with plenty women, 2 of whom I was madly in love with, enjoyed sex with and wanted to marry and have children with. Now it seems like that desire has completely left. Well, maybe not completely, but has diminished a good bit. I've found myself more attracted to males, lusting over sexually and romantically. It's like I've done a switch up. But I'm not totally un attracted to women. I'm still crazy about my current girlfriend and enjoy our sex life but there's also this part of me that's not sure. Confused. Almost like I missed out on this gay/bi side that wants to do more things with men that I didn't know I wanted to do.

    My sexual partners with women are in the double digits (not bragging just giving figures) while my sexual encounter with men is only 1. Not sure if anyone else can relate but I'm lost. This is really where I'm confused. Am I gay or bi? Most people I've met who are gay and have talked to about this thoroughly, their stories aren't like mine in the sense they were never really girl crazy and never went to the extent of pursing them the way I did (even before they came out) while straight people well, ya know. Their just straight. And as far as bisexuals, REAL bisexuals... I don't know too many. So I'm lost and thought this was a great place to vent and start my journey. Thanks in advance and sorry for writing so much.
     
  2. Zonnyy

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    Just want to say I feel like this story is just like mine. I also had this "gay-encounter" at 11-13 yrs, but as far as I know this is quite normal. Anyway, Im still looking for answers. Some days are better than others. Im 28 by the way.

    Here the other day I woke up from a wonderful dream kissing and holding a woman that I loved in my earlier days. This kept me "straight" again for about a day until the thinking, over analyzing and questioning started again.

    I feel ya bro. It ain't easy.
     
    #2 Zonnyy, Sep 15, 2014
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2014
  3. Chip

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    It's not uncommon for denial of sexual orientation to be really strong and the idea of being gay to be completely out of mind.

    Up until the second-to-last paragraph, I saw nothing to indicate you were gay. But the key phrase I see is

    So if this is really the case -- you find your eyes going toward guys on the street rather than girls, you fantasize and/or masturbate thinking about guys, you find your mind wandering toward guys when you're having sex with your girlfriend -- then it's pretty clear you're either gay or toward the gay side of the spectrum.

    That sort of realization can be really frightening, which is why the denial is so convenient and so powerful.

    One thing that seems clear is you are probably not completely straight. If you genuinely have sexual attraction toward women, then you're probably bi. But what many people find as they start to accept themselves and the denial falls away is that the opposite-sex attraction also starts to fall away and the feelings toward same-sex gets a lot stronger.

    Really, the only thing you can do is give it time and open yourself to exploring what you are feeling. I think it's really important to be authentic in your current relationship, though, which means either ending it, or telling her you're questioning and having feelings toward men. That's going to be hard, and it's also terrifying for most people as it makes it more "real", but it is probably a necessary step soon.
     
  4. Likestolove87

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    Thank you for the responses everyone, especially yours @Chip

    This stood out to me...

    Although I don't deny that your right about this, I don't believe I've been in denial. I guess I should disclaim more. Since I was younger, I figured I could be bisexual at least since I had a few same sex experiences when I was younger. But as time went on, noticed I was mainly attracted to women.

    And in the last serious relationship I was in, prior to the one I'm in now, I expressed to the girl that I had some same sex attractions from time to time and she was totally fine and ok with it (probably because she already identified herself as bisexual) and accepted me for me. To be honest, I became more OK with myself and way more physically, mentally, sexually and spiritually attracted to her. So much so, any same sex attractions I had been having fell to the wayside.

    Again, not discounting what you said, especially recognizing the part about me being more attracted to men lately but since your fully gay, I'm guessing your basing a lot of what I'm saying more on your personal experience. Which is much appreciated. Thank you again and if I'm in that strong of denial, then so be it. I will have to overcome that and I hope to, especially with the people on this site.
     
  5. PatrickUK

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    These two sentences stood out to me

    Even though you said mainly attracted to women, there was still, somewhere in your mind that lingering awareness of same sex attraction. Perhaps you were a little too quick to set aside these feelings as you began to date and enjoy intimacy with the opposite sex? You maybe convinced yourself that these were early life experiences and of little significance, but they have now, once again come to the fore.

    In a strange way, admitting same sex attraction to your ex-girlfriend maybe helped you to focus on your relationship with her. The honesty you had with her about these feelings didn't so much take them away, but put them in a place where you could manage them. You didn't have to deny or suppress them and that maybe helped more than you realise. Now things are different.

    You need to give yourself time and space to work through things.