So a fair while back I concluded I was a lesbian and since then I have on and off days where I am unsure of my sexuality. I know I like girls only, I used to have "crushes" on guys because everyone else seemed to so I thought it was the norm (I didn't know much about sexuality back then). I was never interested in relationships [with men] and I thought maybe I'll come round when I meet the one. After that I started seeing girls in the way all my girl friends talked about how they felt around guys they liked, I was sure this was who I was. It might be the fact that I haven't met any girls who I've had massive crushes on. I mainly like girls I'll see whilst I'm out in public who I think are cute and they're most likely older than me (me being 17 and them being roughly in their early 20s). I'm starting to think I need to be a relationship to reassure myself. I daydream about girls, I fantasise about girls, but it never seems to be enough for me to be sure of myself. I know I like girls, whenever I think a guy is showing interest, I automatically think no thanks, I'm a lesbian. I can still appreciate that some guys are attractive, but I'm just not attracted to them (wouldn't date, wouldn't kiss, wouldn't have sex with etc..). But even after all this, I always ask myself "is this who I really am," "am I really gay?" Maybe it's the fact I was bought up to think I'd marry a man, have kids etc... so I feel like the odd one out in my family (they don't know I'm gay, they're homophobic). Or maybe its to do with the fact that because of my sexuality, I'm hearing anti-gay arguments more than I have before which makes me feel ashamed of myself (I know I shouldn't be, but its unavoidable sometimes). Whenever my mum tells me how 'wrong' homosexuality is, I have to try my best not to show that I'm upset so that she doesn't know and ends up disappointed in me. I just need to get out of here. The longer I stay here, the more toxic it becomes for me, my depression and anxiety has gotten worse and my motivation for school (amongst other things) has slowly started to collapse. I want to get of the closet too and tell a couple of friends, but I'm being pushed further in by what goes on around me.
It can be incredibly difficult. For me, those doubts began to subside once I actually came out to someone. Do any of your friends seem particularly accepting? Does your school have any sort of LGBT group? I know that your parents / others are opposed, so actually joining an LGBT group wouldn't be such a good idea, but if your school has one maybe you could try to figure out who the members are and find some time during school to chat with one of them... My point is, getting someone in real life to talk to should be your main priority.
I know most of my friends are accepting because my friend came out gay to them weeks ago and showed their support which encouraged me a bit about how they'd think of me. My school definitely doesn't have a LGBT school seeing that it's a private religious school. I don't have any local LGBT groups and I can't drive yet (or get my parents to drive) because they'd probably ask where I'm going.
It could be that you're demisexual too. Demisexual is when someone doesn't feel attracted to someone until they've formed a strong emotional bond. I'm pretty sure I'm gay and demisexual, and that is part of the reason why it took me so long to realise I was gay! I had never had a major crush on a woman. But I know that when I love someone, they will be the most beautiful woman in the world to me, and I'll be more comfortable as I will trust them. Could be that you're similar xx
Can I be demisexual, even if I find someone attractive, day dream about them etc... and would be interested in a relationship with them if I knew them well enough/want to date to get to know them. If that made any sense.
Well not really as demisexual is not finding someone attractive until you've secured the emotional bond. However, it's also natural to be cautious! Some people can have flings or casual relationships, some would rather not and prefer something deeper and committed. Both are fine if it's agreed upon in a relationship. It's all new to you and you may feel reluctant and anxious, but with the right person that'll subside. Just go with what feels right
