Does anyone relate to this?

Hi guys,

I'm really struggling with my sexual orientation and any advice is much appreciated.

I'm a 20 year old guy in my second year of college and up until about a year ago had never questioned my sexual orientation. I fantasized about girls, got erections thinking about girls, and masturbated as much as any adolescent teen boy (read: a lot). I had hooked up with girls before but I started dating my first girlfriend when I was 18 and we had sex like rabbits. I didn't even consider myself straight (although I would've told you that had you asked) because it was so natural. It was just the way I was—sexually interested in girls, not boys.

The night before I headed off to college, I got incredibly high and started to watch some porn. On a whim, I looked at some gay porn and realized that I was still hard so I masturbated to that. Since then, my head has been in a whirl about sexual orientation.

I've started to define things I do and thoughts I have as "gay" or "straight." I can no longer enjoy porn because I am constantly wondering whether I am looking at the guy or the girl. I watch gay porn sometimes and straight porn other times—the orientation of the porn doesn't seem to matter to my penis, though it certainly matters to my head. When i watch gay porn my head is vaguely detached, though my penis is interested. I almost don't even understand why I have an erection since I am not attracted to either of the men. It's feminine curves/softness and moans and feeling a girl up or fingering her that make me instantly hard. But when I watch straight porn my penis is less hard because my head is constantly making me ask whether I'm watching the boy or the girl. In short, watching any sort of porn sucks because either my head is not into or my head is second guessing itself.

I dated a girl all of last year and loved the physical act of sex with her. I slept with a couple girls off of ****** this summer and enjoyed it, too. The problem is that I am constantly stepping outside my own head to observe myself and trying to ascertain whether or not I am actually enjoying or whether or not I would be enjoying myself more with a guy.

I feel as if I have the option of being gay or the option of being straight, since I am sure my penis will cooperate either way. But when I see guys in person I am not attracted to them unless I am "checking" to see if I am gay. For example, when I see a girl I know instantly if I am attracted to them or not. Indeed, most of the time when I am talking to a girl I am flirting or otherwise fantasizing. When I hang out with guys I don't think about them sexually at all until I "remember" that I am confused about my sexual orientation. Only after this "reminder" do I start thinking about them sexually and even then only to test my reaction.

In sum, it seems to me as if I am naturally straight but sort of obsessive about possibly being gay. Maybe bisexual is the right word—I think I've accepted that my sexuality is an ocean rather than a puddle. I suppose I am posting here for advice. If anyone thinks I am actually gay or has a similar story and thinks this is part of the process of acceptance/coming out please let me know. It has me really freaked out and I would love to get back to a place where my sexuality is natural rather than constantly "checked." I guess another important point is that I would much rather be straight than gay, since it feels more natural to me and honestly more like myself. This obsession with gay porn and checking is new and feels foreign.

Also, if anyone has any strategies to help me stop checking please let me know. I want to stop checking and know for sure one way or the other so I can get on with my life!