lesbian feelings brought on by emotional distress?

She sounds like she is invalidating your feelings....

 

I agree with Fallingdown7. Unless there's more to the story behind why she said that, it sounds a little...off.

 

You might have a look at this thread, and similar ones:
http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexua.../143948-has-never-happened-before-10.html#195

You might also have a look at this:
Am I Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, or Transgender?

There is romantic and sexual attraction...
and there are differences in relationships with women and men...

I'd say take your time...

(*hug*)

 

It's hard to say, she could be right or you could be on the way to discovering your sexuality. I think you should focus on the problem at hand, resolving your marital conflict. Once you're in the right state of mind for a new relationship, you can ask yourself this again.

 

I have never seen a therapist but I have wondered if I fell for my crush because my emotional contact with my husband is negligent and I was subconsciously looking for another human to connect to. It just so happens that this person is female....we have an amazing emotional connection but have not discussed our feelings at all.
I would say I have a deep emotional attraction for her.

 

Well, I heard that most women are naturally bicurious. It is also more socially acceptable for women to express romantic intimacy towards each other.

But if you had always sexually fantasized about women, then I think bisexual label applies to you.

 

I don't think she's right, and I think that you may need to find a new therapist.

Ultimately, only you can know what your feelings mean - and this may come with time.

Depending upon your relationship with your husband, you may be bisexual (or any other orientation). Your current not-so-good relationship with him may be bringing about these fantasies only insofar as relationship problems may cause someone to fall for or fantasise about other people - whether of the same or different sex. That is, people often start noticing or looking at or fantasising about other people when there is a problem in their relationship - whatever their orientation. But it doesn't change your orientation. Therefore, there is a possibility (only you will know) that you are bi (or gay, or straight with girl crushes which some straight women say they have, whatever this means). For your therapist's assertion to be true (in my honest opinion - although I am no expert), you would (more or less) need to be some degree of bi, and currently looking and thinking about other people - in this case women because you're bi - because of relationship problems.

Also, just to say, I hope your therapy is also for the emotional abuse you've mentioned - I hope you get proper help for this.

But having bad experiences with a man could make you dislike that man or men, but it is highly unlikely it would create feelings for women unless the possibility was already there as part of your orientation or naturally fluid orientation. Does this make any sense? Disliking men is different from being attracted to women. It sounds as though your therapist is of the "women become lesbians because of bad men" brigade (or that she is interpreting her own same-sex fantasies as a result of that and projecting them onto other people. On which note: for a very long time I dismissed my feelings for women on the grounds that I thought that they were brought about by stress. That is, I thought I fantasised about women because I was stressed. However, I no longer think that this is true. Therefore this is not such a strange thing to think).

Whether or not solving your marital problems will make your feelings for women go away really depends, I guess, on whether it is possible for you to be fulfilled in a straight marriage (ie. you are to some extent bi). If you have the ability to be fulfilled in a straight marriage and you resolve your problems with your husband, the feelings may go away. However, they may not, in which case you might have to think a bit more.

Also, for what it's worth: even if you are bisexual, you don't need to label yourself as such. Apart from when I'm on forums or to describe myself, I just think of someone who finds some women and men attractive.

I hope you feel OK - it sounds like you're having a really rough time.

 

There could be so many reasons why you are having these feelings. I find that when my husband and I are not getting along or I don't see him very often then "my other side" gets really strong. If things are ok with us then I think about him a lot and don't have much room for my other feelings...but then again, I identify as bi.

 

She probably has attraction to women too and is in denial about it she sounds like women like that .

 

That is a typical sign of people that is being under 'gaslightning'. If he is an abuser, he'll do anything to keep you dependent on him.

I'm going to tell you something about what you mentioned about 'the only person I've ever been in love with' and all that... NEVER underestimate the influence of sexual urges. I don't know you personally, and I'm not asking anything right now, but if you can just take this words and think about them, maybe they could help you... There is an attraction towards danger, risk, and what comes with it. Maybe it can be that this is playing 'tricks' on you, so you can justify more easily this abusive behaviour. Think about chocolate, or any other food you like. You know it's not healthy to eat large amounts of it, but it just tastes so good that you indulge yourself with another extra portion. What happens a month later? Your jeans felt too tight.
The difference between eating junk food and being on an abusive relationship is obvious. You are risking your own integrity, because you can't trust how he'd react. Leave that man, but don't tell him anything before you go. Make a plan, pack your things and leave. And the best thing is never to speak to him again, because if you come back, things can get pretty nasty.

 

I don't agree with your therapist. You might have already been bisexual, but the next question are you falling for the ideas that media portrays that being with a woman will be so much easier than with a man? That you will naturally connect and it'd be wonderful? Ask yourself questions... Where is this coming from? Go over your history in romance...have you ever fallen for a woman or crushed for a woman in the past? Is the crush the same for both genders or is one crush form different than the other? If you never had a crush for a woman or *figuratively* drooled for a beautiful woman who passed you by....why is this just a new experience? Some people don't realize their sexuality until later in life.

I do agree maybe look for a lady who is a lgbt therapist? They can help you map out your past romance to identify if you had sexual feelings for woman in the past and didn't realize it or if this is really just a subconscious thought of "maybe the grass is greener on the other side "...nothing wrong with that thought either.

Explore these emotions and in the end you may realize well this isn't really me. Just do a lot of soul searching and distant yourself from this man. Heal yourself and live your life. You can't help a man who is unable to help himself.

I hope i helped a little and was respectful. If i came off mean it wasn't my intention.

 

The crying bouts and sad feeling in chest could be part of accepting this new or discovery of this sexual/emotional side of you. That happened to me a lot, the panic feeling, when i was coming to finally....after years of figuring/accepting it. I did a lot of stuff. In the beginning i would say..."i wouldn't know if i am a lesbian until i sleep with a guy" Me pushing to be straight wanting to believe i was straight landed me in an abusive relationship...i mostly stuck around because i had to make it work and if i didn't i had to face the reality of my sexuality. I remember reading in a post of yours saying that something along the lines of "These feelings are making me think 'is it worth working out this relationship?'" My advice is still the same... You need to add some distance between you and this unhealthy situation in order to really feel these emotions and figure them out. This distance should allow you to work on the relationship while at the same time work through these emotions. In the end don't end the relationship because you might be a lesbian....end it because it serves you no higher purpose meaning....it will take more from you than building you up. The reason i say this because i kinda did the same thing as i explained. I didn't want to end something because i would then have to face my sexuality... I was trying to force something within me...and what you are doing by saying that "if i am a lesbian why work on it?" Instead of saying "This is emotionally and mentally pulling me down, why work on it?" Don't let this possibly of being a lesbian end it...because it will end up just being a scapegoat instead of taking your personal power back and your right to be stable on all levels.

I am proud that you thought of these questions before and have answered them and really thought of them. But, please end it because its a threat to your well being not because of a possibility.

Infertility issues can cause a lot of relational issues too and emotional as well as sexual disconnection from the relationship. Also ask yourself, " why do i cry after sex?" You not being able to get pregnant might be a play into looking for reasons to end it/distance yourself instead of the most prominent reason.

If you do decide to end it and try it with women....work on the issues you have now before entering a relationship or being sexual with another woman or even male. Ask yourself,"why do i go from man to man even when i get a bad feeling from them?" "What do i feel in that moment of giving them pleasure? Do i feel desired? Do i feel wanted? Do i feel seen? Do i feel alive? What am i getting from these men by doing this?" Once you identify that you can figure out how to give that to yourself or what to give yourself.... You might even have to work on what a healthy relationship looks like and what healthy communication looks like? Just don't leave this relationship to just go into another or repeat what you did before you met your present husband. Grow from this and learn...take time for self.

 

It bothers me sometimes when people are all like "oh, straight women fantasize about other women all the time." I mean, I'm sure it's true to an extent, some women probably do fantasize about ladies from time to time and are still mostly straight. But it's just the way a lot of people say it. Like it completely invalidates the feelings of women who genuinely are bisexual or lesbian, by saying "oh, all women are attracted to/crush on/fantasize about/have sex with etc etc etc. other women, even straight ones" I'm sure I can't be the only one who feels this way.

 

I just tell what I would do...
I believe mind and body influence each other...

Sometimes we try to make things work though we know deep down it will not...

I would get away from this and build up self confidence. Doing things I like, possibly which I feel make me a bit valued. From there I would start to build an emotional relationship with someone... taking the sex later...

And I would forgive myself and others... sometimes we just have to learn things, but we can take it from there, and make it better....

You can make it, countless others have made it, too.

Wish you well
(*hug*)