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Heteroflexible?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Jayxoxo, Sep 23, 2014.

  1. Jayxoxo

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Hi guys!
    First time here and I'm sure there are hundreds of post very similar to the one I'm about to write but I'm feeling lazy at the moment to read some of the others :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: also WARNING THIS WILL BE A LONG POST but I will be extremely grateful to those who take the time to read all or even some of it.

    First off-
    Some vocabulary: Heteroflexible(any Awkward fans?) -turned on by guys and girls but make out with girls (and 1 guy) but can't date girls. so maybe gay lol.

    Kay, so everyone knows the homosexual ultimate fantasy(maybe/maybe not) - straight person who MIGHT be gay and/or curious? Well, unfortunately for me, I'm the opposite. Gay guy who might be a little straight. Ever since I was a kid I knew I was "interested" in the same sex. Heck, when I was around 13 I was already getting sexually involved with my neighbor (don't panic, same age as me) but we would tell ourselves "It's practice for when were older with girls" and no, this post isn't about me developing feelings for him.
    So being completely straight flew out the window.

    Oh! Let me introduce myself. As you can tell from my username - My name is Jay. Short for something longer obviously but that will be a secret for now. I'm not a typical "gay" guy. I'm actually still trying to figure out my orientation but for now I refer to myself as being heteroflexible. In high school there were some rumors and some close friends questioned my sexuality only because I was trying so hard to be "straight" and I'm sure it made me look awkward which is why people questioned me in the first place. Fast forward couple years later...20 years old and almost everybody I know doesn't have the slightest idea I'm heteroflexible. Probably because I'm starting to care less what people think and I became more comfortable which ironically makes me seem more "straight". I'm not trying to prove to the strangers of this page that I'm straight but some examples of "straight acts" :
    -Freshman year in high school there was this girl who was known to fool around with a lot of guys and whatdyaknow, it was my turn. It was a fling that went on for a couple weeks till it escalated tremendously - second base in the back of the school during a class period and undressing each other. Yes I was sexually aroused but after I admitted to having feelings for her I stopped because the next day I saw her with her boyfriend and I got super jealous so I bailed.
    -Countless crushes on girls (mostly, this girl is average looking like me, we can date and it will be nice)
    -College party where I got hammered and sloppily made out with a co-worker (which everyone saw and to this day, still teases us. There was grabbing and dirty talking and we both remembered it. Despite our drunkness we both openly admit we knew exactly what was going on. Me and this girl just have great chemistry but we don't want to date)

    Now for the gay acts
    -As stated earlier, sexual involvement with my neightbor when we were both 13. Went for months until I entered high school and we stopped talking.
    -Masturbating to gay porn AND straight porn(but always looking at the guys)
    -Catfishing some straight guys in highschool (I am ashamed that I stooped this low, but I haven't nor will I ever do that again)
    -Fantasizing about some straight men in my everyday life.

    See my dilemma? Coming from a very Christian family (my father was a pastor for over 40 years) and most of my family strongly believing the word of the bible about homosexuality (I refuse to use the word hate), I was very confused with myself. Right now, I will admit that I'm not turned on by "super gay guys" and by that I mean those that you can tell from a mile away- they're gay. I'm really only attracted to masculine straight guys or if they were gay, masculine gays(tops lol). I always questioned myself in the past but recently I've been questioning myself even more. Like I've mentioned before, I've been involved in both straight AND gay acts so I guess my question is- Am I bisexual? Besides my neighbor, I've never really kissed another guy passionately - the way I've kissed some girls but only because I'm still in the closet and haven't got the chance. I've had feelings for girls and for the guys I catfished(thought I was this pretty blonde girl) but as ME, no not yet. I really really really want too. All day I fantasize about the straight men in my life who may be curious and it turns to be an amazing relationship between us(in the fantasy). But then when I'm at work or enter a social gathering all I think about is how this girl might be checking me out and if I should go talk to her. I just came out to my best friend of 4 years and told her my dilemma and she doesn't know what to tell me.

    Not sure what to label myself. And not really sure the main reasoning behind this super long post but I would appreciate thoughts and comments.

    Thanks guys,
    Jayxoxo