What do you think? (ALERT - BAD GRAMMAR)

Hi everyone!
First of all, sorry for my english.

I'm 22, almost 23 years old and I'm tired of not being sure about my sexual orientation.
As far as I can remember, I've always feel different from the other kids. At 7 years old, I used to bite girls butt (weird, I know lol) and when I see girls from my school in the street with my parents, I was shy and turn on myself (I was a strange kid XD)

At 10 years old, I remember checking out women at the public pool and compare their bodies to men and thinking that women was more appealing. I remember feeling disgusted by myself. Also, I used to give a lot of huge hugs to my female teacher in 6th grade.

At 14 years old, I used to spend a lot of time checking random girls on Myspace, but never boys. I was finding myself weird and had begin to hate myself.

At 15 years old, I have ''fell in love'' with a boy, like madly in love, kind of obsessed with him. He had big blue eyes, long brown hair and a soft and pale skin. However, at the same time, I begin to be draw to girls butt and breast at high school. In my head, I was like ''wtf what are you doing, you must want to look like her because you're ugly and strange. You like ''him'' and you're a weirdo because you're not like the other girls''

At this time, I was depressed and started to cut myself, and drop out of school. I could not take it anymore, I hated myself and wanted to die. However, I was not aware of my attraction to women because my head was full of lies.

At 16 years old, I was watching The L Word secretly in my basement and started to ''feel bisexual''. At this time, I believed it was for fun. Shortly after that, I started a relationship with a boy (and that relationship lasted 3 years) And at 18 years old, BOOM!
I realized that I was actualy truly attracted by girls and started to wondering if I was bi or lesbian.

Since this day, I have never stop thinking about that. I'm single for 3 years now and I'm still confused about my sexual orientation. I think that I'm lesbian, but I can't come to term with it... I think that it caused by repressed feeling of shame from my childhood.

The boy with long brown hair, he still my friend today and my ''love'' for him never really disappear over time. In fact, we have slept, had sex and kisses a couple of time over the past 3 years and I was happy to be in his company. Kissing him was great, but sleeping and have sex with him was... weird. In my head, I was like ''you are with the boy of your dream, why you don't feel the urge to touch his body? You love when he kiss you, why you don't have the urge to kiss him first?''

..And then he kiss another girl in front of me at a party and feel sad and angry about that. But a the same time, I was like ''anyway, f*ck him, you like girls''. And the sadness disappear over weeks. However, I've always knew deep inside myself that it will never work with him because of me. Its strange.. We're still friends and I have forgiving him.

These days, I'm still confused about myself. I know that I like girls and apart this boy, no other man attracts me or have making me feel ''in love'', neither my exs boyfriends.

So, is this my mind who tricked me about ''this boy''? Because honestly, now he is a man with more facial hair and have a more manly face/body and it doesn't attract me like before.

I think that my mind tricked me when I was a teenager to keep my attraction for girls away, to repressed my true self. I think thats why my ''love for him'' was kind of weird, like ''obsessive admiration'' more than true love.

I think he is the only reason why I struggle to accept myself as a lesbian.

I don't know, can it be possible? What do you think of this?

P.S. :eek: I'm really sorry for all the mistakes and bad grammar; in french I'm a big ''grammar nazi'' and I know how it feel to read sentences with mistakes. I hope you'll understand my story, and don't worry, I understand english very well. My problem with english is only when I write or speak lol

Thank you!! xx