Confused... unsure of my sexual orientation(Lengthy, but I'm just pouring myself out)

Lately, I’ve felt confused about whether I am a lesbian or bisexual or straight. I don’t know why, but all of the sudden I started looking at girls more often. It was the summer and all girls were wearing shorts and cute little dresses. I would look at them, at their legs, I would notice myself checking their bust area. And I began feeling uncomfortable with what I was doing. Before I started fearing that I was a lesbian, I could notice, but not feel uncomfortable. Guess now, when I see some girls with nice legs and big busts… I might get aroused? I’m not sure. It’s not like I’d like to kiss them or have sex with them, but it’s like I guess I feel a bit aroused around my genitals. Which makes it seem like I might want to have sex with them, but I don’t think so. I mean, it’s not like I am imagining undressing them or being with them during that feeling. Anyway, when I feel this, I feel uncomfortable and worried and scared.
What’s really confusing about this, is that this “arousal” didn’t really happen before. Or not that I can remember. I look back, and I am able to say that, like anyone, I could see a pretty girl and say she’s pretty and maybe feel jealous because she was pretty and was getting all the attention from boys. Looking back, at age 5 a neighbor about 2 years older than me, who was a girl, kissed me while playing. She and I rolled around and she even made me kiss her down there. But that was the only “lesbian” occurrence that I had and I was 5. So this doesn’t really help me because I was a little kid.
Looking back in elementary I crushed on boys, never crushed on a girl (or not that I can remember). I guess the bad thing is that boys always considered me ugly. Other girls always had guys who liked them. boys would say that I was ugly. Or if a boy liked me they were usually the ugly ones. So I don’t know if this is affecting me to this day. That since not many boys liked me, I might be a lesbian?
Anyway, in middle school not sure if I crushed on anyone. I can’t remember. Most of the kids I was in middle school with were from my elementary. In high school, I did have a crush on a boy. I saw him in my class I think sophomore year. And I just instantly crushed on him just from looking at him. I remember I had this crush on him all through high school. Although, we never talked. I guess I also had other “crush-like” feelings for others, but they diminished as I got to know those boys more.
At age 15, I remember I thought this older man was cute. He was in college. His name is Rodrigo, not sure what I was thinking, because now I think he is ugly. Anyway, I thought he was really cute. However, he turned out to be a pervert and kind of a pedophile. Anyway, he was the one who introduced me to masturbation and porn I think? Definitely masturbation. He told me to rub myself and that is how I began.
In terms of porn, I began watching lesbian porn. And I would masturbate to it. I would get aroused and masturbate. I would usually search for lesbian porn. I thought the licking especially was arousing and the scissoring. Later I began watching straight porn, as I started to feel like lesbian porn had gotten boring. I usually liked watching porn with young actresses and either older guys or guys with big peepee’s. It looked good going in on a tight space. Anyway, I even watched gay porn (two men) and I felt aroused. So I don’t know if the fact that I liked lesbian porn makes me a lesbian or…. Maybe I just think sex in general is arousing regardless of who it is. The blog I was reading, the people were saying that the porn can help you determine what you are into. But looks like I can get aroused by all types. So not very helpful.


In the past whenever I have listened to “sexy” music or upbeat music or any music that I think I would look good dancing too, I always imagine myself dancing with a man, or a guy cousin, etc. And imagine myself being admired by all the people, guys, girls. I’ve daydreamed of grinding and dancing sexy with other men. And have imagined myself dancing with girls at the party, but not as lesbians, just as how girls dance with each other at clubs and stuff.
Whenever I used to watch novelas or romantic movies in which a couple was madly in love, I would imagine and re-imagine it. And also daydream about their love. I even had a dream once where I kissed or the protagonist (the guy) from the novella kissed me. It felt so arousing that when I kissed my boyfriend I thought it was gonna feel like that lol
Anyway, so I look back on all of this and not sure what orientation I fall under. I have not had crushes on girls, I’ve never daydreamed about girls, or imagine looking sexy for one. I have imagined looking sexy for guys. So I do not know why I feel like I am a lesbian. Not sure why. I have had some dreams where I see a naked girl, but in the dream I am scared and I wake up worried and scared.
Anyway, now I feel like every time I look at a girl or a girl is on tv, I have the urge to check them out and think sexually of them as to add more to my panic. It is like since I am thinking that I am a lesbian, I am acting like one? Or am I just doing what my biology thinks is natural? It’s like now I Overly look at her boobs or legs or whatever. I hate this. If I am a lesbian, why is it that I never crushed on a girl before?
I remember in highschool, in p.e. there was this girl. Kinda popular, and I kept looking at her legs. She had nice legs, looked smooth. Anyway, she saw me looking at her and she asked me if I was staring at her legs. I denied it and said that “I didn’t roll that way”. Now that I am feeling confused I try to make sense of it… however I was staring at her legs, and they looked nice. But I wasn’t imagining her with me or imagining touching her legs or anything. Not sure if that is a sign that maybe I was always a lesbian, but I just didn’t let myself be one. I stopped myself from looking at girl. idk.
Then again I have never had any girl-friends (girls as friends). So I cannot say that I ever crushed on a girl-friend. All the “girl-friends” I’ve had, had always either backstabbed me or were jealous of me or didn’t really like me. So idk
All I know is that it pains me to think that I am lesbian. Not because it’s not accepted or scary. I mean, I wouldn’t be accepted by my parents and sibs and it is scary to me, but that’s not as important. What would pain me the most of being a lesbian is that I would lose my boyfriend and I am crying as I type now. I love my boyfriend, and it would hurt me to see him with someone else. However, I worry that if I am a lesbian, I will not make him happy. Before this confusion, I always felt like maybe I didn’t really love him or like him because the sex wasn’t that good. So I was worried that maybe I wasn’t attracted or idk. Now, I am worried that the sex isn’t good because I might be a lesbian. Sometimes, the sex is good and I want more. But it is rare, so maybe I am a lesbian. But sometimes, my body just craves sex and well I might use him? I don’t know, I am confused, scared, feel guilty.
Sometimes, I feel like I am not attracted to my boyfriend. Maybe because I don’t want to have sex? But other times I look at him from a distance when he’s meeting me in class or walking towards me from somewhere and I see how handsome and cute he is. I feel lucky to have such a cute guy with me, but then I feel ugly and not pretty enough for him. So it’s me. I am my problem. I’m either too ugly, not attracted to him or a lesbian. Not sure why I can’t be happy with my boyfriend. Maybe I should just be alone. I love my boyfriend, I feel like I do. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be in pain right now. Juggling all this thoughts and fretting to hurt him and lose him.

I’ve been reading blogs about people who are confused. And others who now know that they are gay say that they went through this roller coaster. They felt like they didn’t want to let go of the “straight-ness”. That one day they were convinced that they were gay, and the next they were convinced they weren’t. As a kid, I was always afraid of being gay. I remember always being afraid of lesbians especially the ones that look like guys or dresse like guys. And well, like any child growing up in a traditional family, I was taught that it was kinda abnormal. I mean my parents never said it was wrong, but the way they said “ look, that girl is the type that likes girls” sounded disapproving. All in the tone. Things is I felt scared.
I remember the first time I went to a club in Mexico, there was a girl at the club. She was maybe 15 or 16. I was 10. She was friends with one of my girl cousins. Anyway, she asked me to dance. And I went with my other cousin to the dancefloor. And she wanted to dance with me, and I felt weird. So I told her that I was tired. For some reason I felt the lesbian vibe on her and I was kinda scared of her. Plus, there was a couple of big girls grinding to music, I assumed they were lesbians too because they were rather entagled and grinding on each other.

I feel like I have written out all of my experiences, not sure if they help me see who I am. I don’t know what I like anymore. I’m just confused. The blogs I was reading also said that if you don’t really want anything physical with a guy then you are a lesbian. I don’t always want to be physical with my boyfriend, so I don’t know if this is because I am a lesbian.

I just don’t want to lose my boyfriend Everytime I think of losing him I get teary-eye. Like right now. I remember watching a movie where the main characters were gay and I’m thing maybe this caused this but that is absurd. I researched whwther it could turn you gay and many articles say that a movie cannot TURN you gay, but might make you REALIZE that you are gay. So did this movie make me realize that I am a lesbian? And that’s why all of the sudden I have a conflict, because I am in a straight relationship and am actually a lesbian?

I know that I have to picture myself or ask myself if I want to be with another woman? The thing is that I don’t know. And I don’t really want to experiment. They say if I do, I have to be mindful of the person I experiment with and makes sure that I like them I guess. But… I think about it and I wouldn’t want to.
I am scared to try. What if I like it? That means I’ll lose my boyfriend, and what if later I don’t like it and it will be too late.
And I wouldn’t want to try a threesome because I know that I would be jealous. I wouldn’t want the girl liking my boyfriend and my boyfriend liking the other girl.

So what I am I? Am I straight or could I possibly be a lesbian? Or bisexual?