It seems like knowing i liked girls was hard on me from the first day. Eventually i got over it and embraced it...got a girlfriend lived happily ever after... oh wait here I am single out of a 2 year relationship wishing more than anything that i could just be straight. No it probably wouldnt make it any easier for socially anxious me to meet anyone, but the thought of finding a boy is easier than finding a girl... in fact i even fell for 2 girls since my break up back in april... but both are happily taken, its like its too late for me... I've been having such an emotional fight over everything lately, but this is one of the top 2, which at this point i'd say are tied, the other though not relevant to this is to take an extra year in college (5 total) and major in art too or to not... but thats a debate i need to make at my professor... poor woman has to deal with me... I'm in our Pride Alliance, made some friends... but i dont feel i can tell anyone about this, i feel like a hypocrite for even being in pride if i clearly have none in myself. I've considered looking up "straight camps" for goodness sake! its not that i believe it could work i know i am what i am and cant change it... but its so frustrating right now. I dont know what to do or who to go to. And dont even get me started on the gender topic! thats all still new to me so i just try to pretend "sporty girls" which i pretend myself to be since i run some, dont wear make-up or pretty clothes and maybe even feel more comfortable in guy clothes... I'm such a hypocrite... I support the LGBT community yet feel like this.
Hello, cowboy. You're not a hypocrite, it's just not that easy to accept who we are is all. Understanding and accepting oneself is a process, it takes time, and that's fine. Moreover, from my own experience I can understand it's easier to speak about one's sexual orientation than one's gender. Speaking about gender, for me it's easier to say "I want a girlfriend" or "I'm attracted to women" than to say "I'm a lesbian". I think the main reason is that I feel sexually more as a guy and when I say "I'm a lesbian" it sounds somewhat untrue... I'm sorry I have no advice for you right now but feel free to post more, here on the forum are many people willing to listen and help. Wishing you all the best. (*hug*)
Hello scarstar, I struggle with a similiar disconnect between how I feel about LGBT issues in general and how I feel about actually being a queer person (although no longer to the point of wanting to be straight). Since coming here, I've found that the attitude of "Okay for anyone else, but not okay for me" is a lot more common than I originally believed. As you mentioned, there are practical challenges to living as an LGBT person, like a smaller pool of potential partners and worries about coming out, that don't come with simply supporting LGBT rights. But wishing yourself straight won't change things; this you already know. I can't add much more to what paris said about giving yourself time for self-acceptance, and continue to post. Just know that you're not alone in your feelings and you're not a hypocrite.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Coming out of a relationship is difficult, and it takes some time to recover. It can be damaging to our self-esteem but you will recover and find someone who is right for you. As for the pride, you are in pride alliance, there is some pride in you. It's a little more difficult to find right now, but that's ok, you will. And not being able to tell others is not something you can equate with pride. There is nothing wrong with keeping this to yourself, and you can still be proud of who you are. It's more difficult to accept ourselves sometimes and even when we do, it's not easy to tell other people. I am very proud of who I am, yet I have not told anyone I work with. I intend to come out at work, but when I feel the time is right, and this doesn't make me any less proud. Gender I honestly can't give you much advice as this is not something I have struggled with and therefore have not had any experience. I guess what I can say is go with what feels right and if sporty girl is all you can do now, then go for it, even if it means wearing guys clothes. I also have advice for school. If you want to do the extra year and major in art as well (will this make it a double major?), then go for it. Look at it this way, it's one more year out of the rest of your life and you will be doing what makes you happy. In the big picture, one extra year is not a big deal. If you don't do it and this is what you want, you will regret it and always wonder if you should have. It's much more difficult to go back to school later, trust me on this. You are already there, so do one more year. It's your choice, of course, but it's what I would do.
Thank you all, i needed some support its all a pain in the butt sometimes! ---------- Post added 28th Sep 2014 at 06:18 PM ---------- I find this somewhat specifically helpful due to the gender stuff too. I had to make a decision in which to post it the gender topic or sexuality topic, and it landed here since i've known I like girls for years and just recently put a name to the gendered stuff and am figuring it out, and i guess dysphoria is easier for me to deal with. The hardest part is I understand i like women and i know i could never change that... in fact for 2 years i tried, i mean i even have pride in it... its just being LGBT is so hard sometimes i really wish i just wasnt... am i even making sense because i even feel i sound crazy now! ---------- Post added 28th Sep 2014 at 06:21 PM ---------- I feel like "I wish everyone was LGBT" could also apply as a statement ... or just "i wish i wasnt the minority". I'm out, it doesnt offend me that everyone knows i like women, its all in the smaller number fo potential partners I have problems with. So i guess its not so muchh i wish i was stright, since i love the ladies and woudnt change that... i just wish more people were so i wouldnt feel so alone and hopeless, esspecially in not being single forever. ---------- Post added 28th Sep 2014 at 06:33 PM ---------- You'd be surprised this is actually some of the least hard i've been on myself out of this relationship... but i mean theres a lot of LGBT people out there with depression, self harm, and suicidal thoughts so maybe thats not surprising. I think the hardest part of coping being out of the relationship now is that i'm lonely and just want someone to snuggle with... i dont even miss the sex, its hugs and snuggles and talking for hours i miss... but i need to stop thinking about that since thats what sets me off :tears: I do have pride... i guess its just the being harder to find someone thing, i was really upset when i found out most people in pride are taken... and the others are allies. :bang: With my gender i've never been the girly girl type so no one knows me as that so it was easier to show up after the summer wearing mens jeans, i'm still figuring out the gender stuff but all i know is men jeans are comfy and arent tight and sticking to my butt to take them off. And we have a special bathroom at school thats an everyone bathroom for all expressions and identities... i just make sure to go to that one on campus whenever i can. arts would be a double major. the only problem is I'm an engineer thats what i plan to do out of college (yeah none of my potential degrees match haha) so all i would be doing is taking it for fun... but why not just do my last semester and take all the fun art classes and have just the minor rather than miss all the fun classes to take the boring core classes with history and critical thinking? ... my professor/advisor is not gonna be happy to see me when i start going to her just to cry/freakout! I still have tons of thinking on that!
