Going around the bend

So last night I fucked up, and big time.

I am married. My wife and I have been together for ten years, we don't have any children

I have had sexual encounters with other men before in my life as well, and consider myself to be pretty much into either gender, I find men and women equally as attractive and never shared this with anyone who wasn't the guy I was sharing the encounters with.

My wife doesn't even know.

Anyway a little over a year ago I started working with this new guy at work, he is 100% straight and a single father, he and I didn't really get along in the beginning, our friendship was work related only and to be honest I thought he was pretty judgemental about the fact that I'm no where near as athletic as he is. However he had moved here from another state out of necessity and he didn't know anyone here so I thought I would make an effort to get to know him - I have a few friends and at the very least I thought I might be able to get to know him and then direct him to some people with things in common with him (we don't have a lot in common)

About six months after we started talking I really took to the guy - we don't have any hobbies or even interests in common, but fuck, he's a really genuinely nice guy and he is quite good looking. He's got a tonne of confidence, something I don't have, and shit... we clicked. I did not expect that, but it was ok, we became fast friends.

I thought everything was ok, I have been married for years but while I notice other men I have never felt the slightest urge to cheat on my wife at all, I sort of saw in the same way that a heterosexual man marries a woman and stops feeling the need to sleep with other women I guess, I mean I have always felt that being with a man is not exactly the same as being with a woman (you know what I mean, I'm not being crass) but despite it feeling like a relationship with either gender is something different rather than the same thing, I have never felt the need to 'feed the beast' as it were and enjoy both sides of the coin.

Until he went on holidays. He went interstate for a week to see his home town and I was fricken destroyed. I missed him. A lot. I don't even know where it came from but I felt a despair I have never felt when my wife is on business trips or whatever. I really genuinely missed him like a whole in my chest. And I didn't exactly know how to respond to that.

When he got back from his holidays I decided promptly that his offers to work out with me and get me more active were my new number one priority, I never considered it might be entirely to just spend more time with him but in the coming months we started hanging out ALOT and it wasn't for a while but eventually it hit me;

I am fucking attracted to this guy, and big time.

I instantly hated myself for it. I am a married man, this isn't right, I love my wife I am attracted to my wife and we had been trying to have a baby, what the fuck was I doing thinking about another PERSON this way let alone ANOTHER MAN.

I got very angry with myself. I spend ALOT of one on one time with him at work and we wrestle and joke and hit each other its all very blokey bloke and it was great, I enjoyed it, he seemed to enjoy it, and I was happy that he had found a friend in me. Because I had found in him someone that I wanted in my life. But now it was like a poisoned dagger every time I was around him. I was physically and emotionally attracted to this guy and I was actively toning my own physique to try and match him because I wanted to impress him. I wanted to be attractive to him even though I knew he wasn't into it.

My anger tore me up inside, and eventually I wasn't able to hide it anymore, I did a lot of research online and I followed all the advice, avoid him, don't idolise him, look for his faults and try to focus on them, move on move on move on. Problem was I am married, this wasn't like getting over someone to find someone else, I had someone else, and I love him dearly, but I couldn't get him out of my mind. Eventually I couldn't even look at him at work and I didn't want to touch him anymore so the wrestling abruptly stopped and I could see that that seemed to hurt him.

After a week of this he started asking me what was wrong, and I told him nothing but I knew he wouldn't accept that. Out of no where he says to me "I already know what is wrong, just come out and say it" I was crushed and out right pissed off with myself because I thought I had been careful but he knew how I felt about him which meant somewhere along the lines I hadn't conducted myself properly and he had figured it out.

Fucking awesome.

I tried not to talk to him about it, but he pursued it and eventually we did. He explained to me that he had known for a little while and that while he was absolutely and indefinitely 100% straight, he didn't blame me, he was ok with it, and he was happy to be the person I could talk to about it because he knew my family by this stage and knew that none of them knew about my open interests in sexual orientation.

This might have seemed nice, and I did like talking to him about it, but the problem was I couldn't tell him everything I needed to because it was ABOUT HIM he said I could talk to someone else if I needed to that he wouldn't have a problem if I did, but I knew I couldn't and when I told him he said "Im sure you are the only one out there like this, get on the internet and ask some strangers how to deal with it, but I am here for you"

It just seemed to get worse. And I just got angrier and angrier with myself because I started becoming really selfish. I WANTED to dominate his time, and when he allowed me to do it I happily lapped it up even though I knew it was wrong. Whenever he met a girl I got insanely jealous even though I am married and have a wife at home who I am regularly sleeping with, I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't help it, I was jealous and the thought of him being with a woman drove me crazy.

He has gone through several "girlfriends" for lack of a better term in the last six months and has learned that he cant really confide in me about his sexual encounters because he knows how it makes me feel and he doesn't want me to be hurt - which is nice I suppose but it just makes me angry with myself that I cant be that bud that a mate can talk to about the chick he's with.

Time went by and I thought I was getting better at dealing with it, he got a steady girlfriend and I didn't see him for a solid month except for at work and it utterly destroyed me. I knew it was my fault he wasn't spending time with me because I was ruining our friendship by not being able to deal with him having a partner - I distanced myself even more at work and told him that I was happy for him and I wanted him to have success with this girl because he seemed to really like her and not having any family in this state meant that if he did find a relationship life would be so much easier for him. It hurt me to encourage him to go for it with this girl, but I knew I had no right to feel that way and I was constantly mad at myself for feeling hurt, and not being able to be the friend he deserved.

Anyway things fizzled out with that girl and quite suddenly he redoubled his efforts to be back in my life and while I knew it was dangerous I welcomed him back with open arms. Not literally of course, while we wrestled a lot and punched each other a lot the ONE and only time I tried to hug him he stopped me and told me he wasn't a hugger. However we have been to a few parties together and I have seen him hug other man, so naturally I just got angry at myself because he obviously feels uncomfortable hugging me knowing what he knows about the way I feel about him.

Anyway. Back to wrestling and playing the fool we drink together regularly and generally alone. At the ends of our night in a drunken stupor we will wrestle with one another in my living room and have a good laugh before passing out together on my lounge. All very unromantically - until I started becoming physically attracted by the wrestling.

And this is where I fucked up.

Last week it happened and he joked with me that he was too strong and I could not overpower him when we were wrestling, I told him I could overpower him and he told me to prove it - I told him "You don't want me to overpower you because I don't know what I would do to you when I pin you down" to which he responded "Ive given you plenty of opportunities to pin me down but you didn't take them" and I said "because you told me you didn't want me to" he said "well its you who doesn't take the opportunity" laughs it off with "I guess I am still too strong for you" we wrestled for a bit and I past out with my arms wrapped around him on the lounge and woke up with his arms also wrapped around me a couple of hours later, at which point I extracted myself and went into the bedroom I share with my wife and went to sleep.

I thought about this a lot in the last week and couldn't decide whether there was innuendo there - was he telling me I could make a move if I had the strength to? Surely not because he had told me many times that he trusted me to make the right decision and that if I ever went too far he would stop me when I needed to be stopped. He also told me he didn't have a problem with me talking about how I felt about him, even sexually so long as it never progressed to the physical so surely he wasn't suggesting that I overpower him when I had so clearly suggested that if I did I might make an advance on him.

And now down to the fuck up. Last night we got hammered. my brother and some friends joined us but my friend and I found an excuse to disappear from the group and we went and sat outside talking, and inevitably this same old conversation came up. We talked for a while and he said he noticed I have been very unhappy lately and he figured it was because I was having a difficult time dealing with how I felt about him and he was right. Its painful to me and its not getting any better. I love my wife. I have no intention of leaving her and even less intention of cheating on her, but have also started to justify how if I did fool around with my male friend, it would not be cheating because he is a guy and she is a girl - I have never done this before, ive never seen them as different and I am a monogamous kind of guy

Or am I...

Party died down, wife is asleep everyone else leaves and its just my mate and I sitting in the loungeroom talking. We weren't even wrestling, but we had been talking about our feelings all night and inevitably as I fucking do, I had become over comfortable with him and I was basically laying on him as he was slowly passing out on the lounge. I was talking to him the whole time I did it and I know he was awake. I unbuttoned his trousers and proceeded with my heart in my throat to draw out his business and massage it a little. And he didn't stop me, his eyes were closed but he was very awake and so was it. I was very very close to going further when suddenly he sat bolt upright removing himself from my hand and not pushing me away but sort of protecting himself...

What the fuck have I done. I haven't slept all night, he didn't leave he is asleep on the lounge next to me while I write this and he woke up an hour ago asking me why I was on the computer at 5am so I took the opportunity to apologise and agonise over possibly having ruined everything with us. He told me not to worry about it, not to stress, and he went back to sleep.

What the fuck am I doing. How do I proceed from here...

---------- Post added 27th Sep 2014 at 01:24 PM ----------

sorry it is a bit of a novel. I have read a lot of these on websites but this is the first time I ever got up the courage to post something myself

---------- Post added 27th Sep 2014 at 01:32 PM ----------

Never before has my lack of a particular direction caused such havoc on my life. I've always been able to deal with being attracted to men and women while being 100% dedicated to my wife. But now I am confused and angry with myself. I love him sf much that I am justifying that what I have with him is different and additional to what I have with my wife because he is a friend who will never reciprocate so its ok, but I know its really not and I shouldn't have done what I did...

Problem is - I would do it again if he let me. And had he not stopped me I'd have gone as far as he would have let me go.

This is driving me crazy... I wish I was normal.

 

I know it's cheating and I know I don't want to do that and I know everything I allow to happen is me giving into my sexual desires and that's why I get so mad at myself because I know all this and I still did it.

He's awake now and is in the shower we had a brief chat about it he told me to not beat myself up over it and that it was ok.

I think I will let it pass just as you have suggested - it might fix this situation but I feel like it's a band-aid on an open wound... I'm feeling somewhat helpless in this matter

---------- Post added 27th Sep 2014 at 01:54 PM ----------

I keep reading this everywhere cut him out stop having anything to do with him - I have discussed this with him and he has told me that is not an option

 

He hates me.

We got to work that same day and he was staying away from me - he seemed alright before this so I approached him and the look he have me was pure disgust. He told
Me he didn't trust me anymore and our friendship is over.

I had to leave work I couldn't stand seeing the way he looked at me and knowing how much he hates me is killing me.

I tried talking to him about it but he has told me I have ruined our friendship and he doesn't think it will ever be possible to be friends again.

I'll take this. I've always known there was something wrong with me and now it has ruined the best friendship I have ever had.

I don't think I can handle this. I do t know what to do. I feel only despair.

He fucking hates me.

 

This is really good advice…you should read and reread the perspective and advice that nerdbrain gives in the post above.
I don't think this "friend" really hates you. I think he encouraged your behavior. A straight man would have never responded to you the way he did. It sounds to me like he felt the same attraction to you and then couldn't deal with it.
So sorry that you are feeling like this is all your fault because I don't think it is.
Don't beat yourself up. You didn't do anything that he didn't want you to do. the fact that he ultimately couldn't face his real feelings isn't your problem.

 

We have had a few long text message conversations and he has told me that we can't be friends anymore - not like we were. He has told me not to leave my work which seems like the right thing to do given how he can't look at me without getting mad but he has told me to stay all the same.

He doesn't want to be alone with me drinking ever again he was very clear about that and he doesn't trust me to do the right thing. I've apologised more times than I care to count and more times than he cares to listen he has told me words can only do so much and that time will only tell whether he can eventually become comfortable having me around again - though he was very clear that our friendship would never get back to what it was.

I haven't seen him in four days and won't see him again today - I will be working with him again tomorrow for the first time since I left work burned by the way he looked at me with such disgust. He has warned me that things are going to be strained between us for some time and I have to accept that.

I spoke to another friend of mine who instantly jumped on board saying how she never liked him and knew something was up with him from the beginning - I couldn't tell her the whole story but I was firm that she had no reason to dislike him as I am 100% in the wrong. She asked me if I could ever treat her the way he has been treating me this week if she had done to me what I did to him and I told her of course I couldn't but she and I are very close - she asked me how he and I could have been as close as we seemed and then for him to behave like this and it's given me pause to question our entire friendship. I don't want to blame him and I am not seeking an excuse to but something in me can't help but question the validity of what she is saying. Him and I were super close and I am hurting so badly right now and I don't know how he can be ok with that. I understand that I have betrayed him but it was one mistake - I hate myself so much that this one mistake can destroy what I thought was a great and mutually beneficial friendship.

I don't speak about my wife a lot in this because I am very ashamed of my actions. She is completely oblivious of that I am 100% certain. She hasn't the constitution for drinking or staying up late that my mate and I had so she would often be asleep far before I made any of the mistakes betraying my feelings for him. At the moment she just thinks I have taken ill. I'm having trouble eating I feel sick all the time I'm tired beyond comprehension and my hands have been pretty much shaking since Saturday night. She's noticed I am very depressed but she accepted when I told her that I was just feeling off and it would pass if I had a week of rest. I've spent pretty much any time I am not at work in bed and she's been very supportive of my diminished state which really makes me feel worse cos really I've betrayed her even more than I've betrayed him.

The worse part is that if Saturday night did not happen my friendship would still be exactly what it was and I know that it wasn't healthy - not for me and not for my marriage and obviously also not for him. I understand now that nothing can ever happen with him. I do love my wife very much and I cannot fathom leaving her. But part of me - MOST of me - ALL of me right now just wants things to be like they were.

I want my friend back. I don't need anymore from him if I can just have my friend back. He is very important to me and I have lost everything in one stupid moment of weakness. I couldn't do again what I did on Saturday. I can't have him look at me the way he did - incant have him hate me he way he does. I just want things to be normal again. Only more normal - without the confusion. I know where I stand but I want him back in my life and I want him to let me prove that it can be completely plutonic

 

Ok so.. After spending a week not talking at all we worked together today for the first time and... I don't even know what to say.

It's like nothing happened. I would understand if he was just putting on a professional face for work but... He wants to go running with me in the morning and he's going to shower and go to work from my house.

I don't even... Seriously wtf. I've been beating myself up for a week hurting like crazy and he's just all normal. He even made a few sexual innuendo jokes to me today and I did give him the briefest of "how the fuck can you say that to me" looks - before I remembered that if I want any kind of friendship with him I'm the one whose got to prove that we can be mates without him worrying about me grabbing for his business ever again. Which means I just have to blokey bloke laugh off his sexual innuendo like I would any of my other male mates (who I've never been attracted to)

I don't really understand what's going on.

I do know that I want to be friends with him. And I do know there can never be anything sexual between us. But I also know the friendship I have with him is more important to me than the nothing there would be between us if I continue to allow myself to be attracted to him.

Can I just switch it off? Thinking I was going to lose him from my life was a pretty fricken traumatic experience from me and I do feel differently around him now (scared first, than confused, than finally comfortable) but mostly on guard.

I don't know where I'm at at the moment...

 

Eurgh. I'm so confused and annoyed right now.

We are right next to each other right now. He's just told me that he's decided not to drink for a while for his health. Ok fine. Don't lie to me I can take it but whatever seems legit (not)

But then we were doing something at work and during conversation I said to him "the hardest thing in life sometimes is for me to convince people I'm on the ball" he laughed and said "nah mate, the hardest thing in my life is above my balls"

This is fresh after him saying the day before - a colleague of ours was winning a free vacation if he did a photo shoot with a snake - he turned it down. I laughed and said "I'd get a photo shoot with a snake for a free holiday" and he pipes up "you can have a photo shoot with my snake anytime"

Seriously wtf is he trying to do?! Test me to see if I can remain heterosexual when he's making sure he can say whatever the fuck he wants??

I feel like he is toying with me and I don't really like it.