feel like i will never know.. or at least accept

i just want to give up on my sexuality some times. its like i can never fully understand it, or at least not enough to know what it is that i really want... i like boys but sometimes i don't.. but its not really like i like girls much, but at the same time i get aroused by some tings with them. i know, i have been told that just because your body done one thing does not mean that you are sexually attracted or anything toward them. i have contradicting things that keep me confused and distressed about it. sometimes i just want to cry im so confused. i feel like i cant explorer how i feel unless its with a girl (witch i dont really want) because i live with my dad and he always make me feel judged and that makes me feel as if i have to hide my feelings.

right now i feel so low.. i feel a huge weight on me and im 1/2 way in tears typing this. i keep telling my self to give it time, but idk what that will change. i wish i could just do what i wanted.. and not feel bad to go after a guy the same as every one around me does with a girl. i feel taped that i dont have the courage to brake out of.

the dumb thing is, i want to tell people but i feel like i just cont. i wanted to tell my best friend when i go see him in October at collage, but lately i keep telling my self i shouldent.. even thought i think he knows.. i still feel like i cant. a few nights ago i want as a friends house playing a game with him and others.. drunk. i dident come out or anything, although the topic came up and i just played around it for a minute, but i was basic told it was ok if i was gay. its like people know or suspect i am gay, but i cant tell them.

i went all last week with an attitude of "let it go, and your sexuality will work out its self" and i felt a huge weight just leave me, but at the same time it all just blasted back to me right now, in full force, and i feel what i would have felt all last week in one night.

just throwing this out there, but its possible that i keep being confused is because i dont understand romance. hell, i dont even say i fully understand love. like i use to hide from my feelings since i was 11 until now when im 20... and im just now allowing my self to feel thees things. i know i like guys... so i then also know im not straight. do i like girls.. hell if i know anymore. its like being told i like girls my whole life with out skipping a beat, has drilled it into my head that i do... but at the same time its un avoidable to say that i do in same way get around by them. i cant say i want to have sex with a girl.. but....... F@!k idk.

i just feel that im trapped to live straight, but that means i will be alone for ever. i wish i had the courage to talk to another guy and ask him out. i have tried a few times, but i feel like if i do, he will end up being straight. like i cant tell unless they fit the stereotype, but even at that, normally i dont really like guys that fit the stereotype. i am too scared to tell others whats going on inside by head.. so how can i expect to work this out? its like the biggest fear about this is to come out and say im gay, then a years later relies i was wrong.

sorry, im kind of ranting but i just feel helpless at this point. i feel like things are against me.. including my self.

 

i do know a guy who is openly gay, and i have talked about contacting him in other posts, but i cant seen to work up the courage to talk to him.. to bring my problems to him. after not have talked to him for over 5 years.

so many people complain that they were forced out, i actually wish i could be forced out, even though that would suck.

i just feel trapped and dont know where to go, i cant go to lgbt events because, i dont want to lie about where i am/ am going to those around me. i just need to talk to the guy i know who is openly gay... but again i face not wanting to bring my problems to him.