Hey there, So, Im really struggling with my sexuality at the moment. I have just broken out of a 2 - year relationship with my boyfriend because I am confused. What all started the confusion and anxiety was that I found myself attracted to a girl (whilst I was with my boyfriend). Id met this girl one night out ages before I had even began a relationship with my boyfriend. I did find myself attracted to her but I didn't really think too much of it. I just thought she seemed like a cool person and did kind of desire to see her again and hang out with her. I ran into her again another night out while I was in a relationship with my bf, and I noticed that I started thinking about her a few days after seeing her. I didn't really know what to make of these emotions and thoughts but ever since then it has never left my mind that I could be a lesbian or at least bi sexual. My sexuality was something I guess I was never 100% sure about while I was growing up. I think i was confused at times throughout puberty and university. Id be attracted to guys and want to be in relationships with them, but I think at times I did find myself attracted to girls. Im not sure if its that I just don't know what it would be like to be with a girl that makes me curios, or whether I am just genuinely attracted to girls. The guy I just broke up with means so much to me, I adore him and will forever love him. He knows that I am feeling lost (I am seeing a psychologist because I am suffering from depression and anxiety due to my circumstances) at the moment but doesn't know exactly why…I'm not sure if I should tell him? I guess I worry that if I am bi sexual it could have been something that I discussed with him and if he felt ok about it we maybe could have saved the relationship. My confusion on this is what caused my love for him to diminish, but i wonder whether it was because I just wasn't honest with how I was feeling for such a long period of time (6 months). In saying that though, I also don't want to screw my boyfriend around if it did turn out that I am more attracted to girls. I just feel pretty stuck at the moment and am not sure how I go about finding myself..The other day I saw my ex walking down the street with another girl and I completely freaked out (its been about 3 weeks since we broke up), my heart sank and I just felt sick. He actually isn't seeing this girl or anything at the moment, it was just a weird coincidence I drove past at that exact time he was with her. But I don't know what to make of my feelings and emotions towards that? It made me feel anxious seeing him with another girl and it got me thinking a bit more about whether I should have broken the relationship off or not, and also whether I may still be in love with him. I guess I'm just looking for someone to shed a bit of light on the situation if its possible, because right now I just am not sure if I am thinking rationally about things as I am extremely confused. If anyone has ever been in a similar situation I believe I would greatly benefit from talking to you. As in, been in a straight relationship but then had doubts about your sexuality? I want to know how I find myself and come to more of a conclusion about my sexuality? I do worry that I have made a mistake by breaking up with my boyfriend, but I also know that I somehow need to find myself so that he doesn't get hurt. There is more that I could write about all this but I figured it was already a large enough post. Anyway, any advice or information on the topic would be much appreciated. Thanks
Sadly only time will truly tell, but how i help myself figure it out was i asked myself: what are my emotions like for a man vs a woman? Is it the same? How do i emotionally feel during making out and sex with a man? How do my crushes differ man vs woman? Is it the same? Emotionally making out with a man or having sex with a man..i felt forced.. I didn't enjoy it.. I felt emotionally disconnected during the act.. I just couldn't wait for it to be over. I hate it. I could deeply love him and care for him, but obviously I did not have a sexual component to it. When it comes to accepting your sexuality if it is bisexual or lesbian... You have to develop a whole new perspective of your future and what it will look like than the perspective and future society or our family has laid out for us/given us. There is a lot of change that happens within ourself when it comes to accepting our sexuality in my opinion. So it is okay to feel like your heart sank when you saw him with another woman it could either be you really love him or subconsciously you are mourning that old perspective of the heterosexual family structure. Hope this helped a tad.
Thanks for your reply. The guy I just broke up with was my first serious relationship. And I have an extremely strong emotional connection to him. I admire him so much. We were friends before we dated so I guess the emotional attraction came first but then as I became in love with him I also found him sexually/physically attractive. Before I had become confused I enjoyed having sex with him. But ever since I had these doubts my desire to have sex with him pretty much went away (I can't really compare what It was like to be intimate with him compared to a woman as I have never been with one). Also, this is pretty personal but throughout our sex life I did struggle to reach an orgasm with him. I'd never told him about it because I was scared it would put too much pressure on the both of us, so about 80% of the time I resorted to faking it. Which now I regret, I wish I spoke up about it and wasn't so scared of telling him. He was my first sexual partner that I had regular sex with so when we first became intimate I was pretty shy and not confident. Im not sure either if it was because he has a higher sex drive then me, but most of the time he initiated it. But I was happy to have sex with him (once again this was before the confusion). Im not sure if the initiation of sex has anything to do with my sexuality?? I have had crushes on other guys before. But also there have been a few occasions in my life where I felt a strong pull towards a girl, and I'm not sure if it was as strong with a guy or whether it was a different kind of crush? It just involved me wanting to be around them, thinking about them, wanting them to like me, etc. I definitely am sure that I don't hate sex with guys. I still find it pleasurable and enjoy it. I guess if the opportunity arises I would experiment with a girl. Im kind of hoping that doing that will help me to come to more of a conclusion. But I also have no idea how to go about that. Is it possible to do that without having to give yourself a label and come out of the closet? Once again, Thanks so much for your reply. It has helped and given me more to think about. I think I also just need to start accepting that I am not 100% straight (Think I've been in a bit of denial about it). Still not sure if I'm 100% lesbian or whether Im somewhere in between. I just know that Im not completely straight I guess.
Hope this helps a little (just my opinion) I think you are not hundred percent straight either if you feel you have had a crush on a girl, but what you have said i don't think you are hundred percent lesbian. So think of sexuality as a spectrum..0 being heterosexual, 50 bisexual, and 100 is homosexual. No on is 100% even gays/lesbian we could still be around 90-100 on the scale, but there is a very low chance that we will fall for the opposite sex. But, you could be bisexual and lean more town women than men or men than women. I have heard some bisexuals say that sometimes they are heavily attracted to one gender vs the other, then down the road it will switch and at other times they are 50/50. To me you enjoying sex with a man emotionally makes me think you are not hundred percent lesbian, because just from MY experience that wasn't the case. And many women have sex they emotionally enjoy with the opposite gender (even same gender) and not climax. It is not because they do not enjoy being with the man (or women) sexually, but because the stimulation is not there. You have to figure out your special parts downstairs and what you enjoy during the sexual act to fully orgasm. They did a study that many women don't reach orgasm through just penetrative sex. And him always initiating sex i don't think can help you conclude anything about your sexuality unless you dreaded the possible sexual encounter so you never bother trying to bring it up. And you would know if that was the case. I don't deduct you having that emotion from what i have read in your posts. So i highly doubt you not always initiating it means anything. So analyze only your emotions. If you emotionally enjoyed being with the man sexually and kissing and all that intimate stuff. I would say you are not hundred percent lesbian. It takes time to really organize your experience and see if it points to being a lesbian or bisexual, but what i know so far I would lean toward bisexual and not hundred percent straight. You want to meet women if i read that one question in the last post correctly, you could join an online dating site to meet women or find the gay/lesbian bars near you. Many women will go to the gay/lesbian bar or online dating site before they are sure what their label is. Follow your heart and explore safely. Do what feels right You are a smart woman you will figure it out (&&&) Remember only you yourself will know what sexuality you are and what label fits you best from your emotions and experiences
To the comment on top that are saying there is no 100% gay , straight , people can be 100% gay or straight . I honestly wish people would stop spreading that nonsense, about how people can't be 100% anything there are people in this world that are 0's and 6's and are not attracted to the opposite sex at all and same for straight people that aren't attracted to both . Also when looking at your sexuality do not look at emotional attraction alone both sexual attraction and emotional counts any way good luck figuring it out .
Thanks again for your post. I gather you have been in straight relationships too then? I was just wondering did you find out you were a lesbian whilst you were with your partner? and if so, did you tell him? Does he now know? Im still trying to figure out whether I should say anything to my ex about what Ive been going through. He's someone I know I want in my life, just not sure if it is just as friends or in a relationship. Im too confused about this stuff at the moment. I guess I'm just trying to weigh up whether it would help both him and myself in this situation. My mother and sister know about me struggling with my sexuality, they've already told me that I shouldn't say anything until I can pretty much give myself a label and be sure of myself. Sometimes I think talking to them about this stuff just makes everything so much more confusing though. Its hard
Well you can always talk to me through this post or on my profile wall. I started to question my sexuality when i was around 13 of age, but back then i was in a small town....the internet was my only option. And i remember saying to myself. I won't know until i sleep with a man. I remember getting that thought from people. It was a ridiculous thought, people know their sexuality before sleeping with someone, and i think it was my denial and bargaining. I started to accept my sexuality after my first sexual experience with a man, but i was still like "i can make it work with a man, maybe i didn't find the right one." "I just have to try harder." I realized after sleeping with any man i thought was cute that i was just a lesbian. People figure their sexuality on their own terms/in their own way. Yes i have been in a straight relationship. No i wasn't with a man when my realization or the "i told you so voice" in my head saying.. See like i said 7 years ago you are totally lesbian. I had this like hardcore evidence after being in a relationship with a man that i was a lesbian like i always suspected. I say if you want to keep your ex in your life i would talk to him and just tell him why you broke up with him and that you are doing some self discovery as well as discovering your sexuality. Tell him you care for him deeply and want him to stay in your life, but that you need time to find self.
