Hey there, I suppose this question has been asked TONS of times (I know, I'm so original, lol), but I am starting to wonder whether I am bi, as I believed, or actually gay. I am ftm trans, pre everything, and the ONLY time I had a relationship with a guy was PRIOR to acknowledging I am trans. I was 14 back then. The relationship lasted about a year, though it wasn't what you'd call a typical serious relationship, and even though I enjoyed kissing with him, I usually evaded his flirtations and we only met up a few times a year. It was pretty weird... also being trans obviously didn't help me feel good about it. Anyway, after that I NEVER had any form of sexual/romantic relationship with either men or women, fast forwarding in my life till now... accepted I'm trans, starting to get treatment, etc. AND almost had three relationships with girls this year. ALMOST. I stopped them before they became serious. One got as far as kissing, the rest not even to that point. Why? Because though they were nice gals and I couldn't really find there to be much wrong with them, I simply felt NOTHING in the love-y-dove-y way. The thought of making out with them was awkward. However, I have always considered myself bi (also prior to coming out as trans), and now I am living as male nearly-full time I appear to attract quite some women (don't ask me how or why, as I don't even feel like I pass yet! :s) straight men obviously aint into me anymore, very happy about that! I was always a bit freaked out when one of my buddies confessed having a crush on me, and I just saw them as a friend. Anyway, lately, also triggered by my experience with these three girls, I am starting to wonder whether I am actually gay and not bi. But since I have never had a relationship with a guy AS A GUY before I feel like I can't really know for sure. Do I even know what it means to be "gay"? What the "gay" world looks like? What a relationship would be like? I don't... Though it seems plausible I could just be gay in denial or something. Or majorily-gay-but-not-excluding-women-as-a-possibility? Or wait, that sounds like another attempt of denial... Anyway, is there ANY way I can figure this out for myself? I'm just so confused... jeez :s
Not even ONE reply guys? Okay... I suppose you folks are kind of tired of hearing questions like this over and over. :/
Hi Raven...well, yeah, this was something like the 10th "bi or gay?" question this week...but you deserve an answer as much as anyone else. On the other hand, when several posts like this come up in succession, I often think, "geez, guys, can't you gain something from our responses to the other posts?" ...I mean, I know I for one always give pretty much the same advice. Still, here's your person response: First, let me say that if you're living full-time as male, then I'd have to say you're beyond "pre-everything", right? From the sound of it, you've pretty much transitioned, even if no hormones or surgery were involved. Congrats on that. But my standing answer to this kind of question is "why is it important to you to know the answer?" I mean, self-knowledge is good and all, but there's also a lot to be said for simply *observing* yourself and waiting to decide on a label until you have enough information to do so sensibly. I'm sure plenty of people could speculate on "oh, I think you're bi" or "you sound gay to me"...and it's all BS at this point. You've not given us much to work with...because you don't *have* much to work with at this point. So relax, dude. Not dating a woman because you feel nothing for her sounds like very good sense. Dating a man because you do feel something for him also sounds like very good sense. And if you meet a woman and feel attracted, date her too. If after a while of doing this, you find that you're dating only men (and liking it, and not missing women), then you're probably gay. Don't worry about what that "means"...all it means is you're attracted to guys. If you're dating both and enjoying both, you're probably bi. But give yourself time and space in which to engage in the experiment. Do NOT try to intellectualize an answer, and decide on a label based on that, and then try to act according to your chosen label. Your label should be determined by *who you are*, NOT the other way around.
BiAnnika, thanks for your reply, and yeah, you got a point there. Actually I already posted this before I checked other posts (which I did read afterwards and were very helpful as well). To prevent people being bored/annoyed as hell by all these repeating questions I'll just check the board a bit better before posting :> With "pre everything", I meant just medical procedures. As far as it goes for everything non-medical, such as packing, binding, clothing, and presenting and living as male I am entirely "post", though many of my friends know I'm trans because my passability is still a bit... doubtful. I think you're right, yes, thank you. I was kind of too obsessed with "figuring out what I am", while you are right I do not NEED to know. For now I'll just keep identifying as bi/pan because I don't want to exclude one sex or the other. Like, if I come across an awesome girl and fall in love, it'd be crazy to be like "Nono I'm gay, I can't love her" lol. Or tell everybody you're gay, and then meet an amazing girl and be like "Eh I love you" "But you were gay!" "...appearantly not?" Thank you! I tend to over-think/intellectualize/over-analyse things a lot, it is both a strength and weakness of me, and then I forget sometimes I should just... let it go! I tricky point is though that I hardly ever get into relationships, or even fall in love... and when I do I often watch from the sidelines, hoping to be noticed (of course that never happens. I know that as well...) because I feel like... like everyone deserves someone BETTER than me. I mean, a freaking guy without a dick!? Without his manhood, with a feminine appearance, and prone to nervous breakdowns? I just don't feel... "good enough" for anyone :/ I hope that will get better when I get hormones and just completely look and sound like a guy, but that will most likely take years. Anyway, I really appreciate your reply, and I think you got a very good point. Thank you!
The oldest question. First be what you are comfortable being. as a FTM if you met a guy who liked you and you liked him would you not date him because you have to fit into a category. You sound wonderful and why belittle your self "a freaking guy without a dick" you can get a strap on and be as large as a porn star. Just be who you are and I think you will find a person who really likes you, male or female.
Leader, thanks man. I kinda have an overly negative vision towards my physical appearance in this world, and often forget the nuance in this. It's not just the dick (though that is a big thing), but also just my high voice and babyface. If I'd go with a girl I'd be afraid to be seen as a lesbian, and if I'd go with a guy I'd be afraid to be seen as straight... (and have them feel ashamed due to it in both cases) I guess it's my negative dysphoria goggles... I think those might even be more harmful for a relationship than my general appearance. I feel like I'm "too difficult" or "too taxing" for anyone, and they can ALWAYS get someone better... I had some people have crushes on me though, so it must all be in my head. I'll just try not to shy away when I get a crush on someone, but interact with them and see whether they like me too, cause if I just keep shying away each time I'll regret it in the end.
