Looking back on past feelings and attractions and trying to be more aware of current ones, I have been trying to figure out the distinction between when I am attracted to someone with the potential for a romantic/sexual relationship and when it is just admiration or affection in a platonic way, and how society's expectations may have influenced me to confuse the two. Looking back, I feel like every time I have ever developed a bond of affection or admiration with any member of the opposite sex, from the time I was about 10 years old on, my feelings were immediately identified by others (at first by my mom, and then as I grew older, by my friends) as a "crush," and so I always just assumed that whatever I was feeling towards those guys is what a crush is. And as soon as my feelings were labeled as a "crush" I would start to feel awkward and embarrassed around that person, but I am thinking now that that was because I had accepted a label for my feelings as a "thing that includes awkwardness" just by definition. And after a while of this, I think I just internalized this assumption of "any affection or admiration of a person of the opposite sex = crush" and either began feeling awkward or nervous around guys who I recognized as objectively attractive, or with whom I developed a close friendship, or who fit other criteria that I should find desirable, like shared interests, sense of humor, close friendship, talent, shared values, etc., or else labeled any awkwardness/nervous feelings around those types of guys as a crush without considering platonic admiration/friendship as an option, regardless of the fact that there were never any sexual imaginings involved on my part. And in the meantime, I would have moments where I would see girls who made my stomach flip and who I would genuinely and immediately feel shy and awkward around, and I ignored these feelings because I didn't know what to do with them; they didn't resemble at all what the definition of "crush" was that I had in my head, and didn't fit in with the straight identity that everyone had always just assumed of me and expected of me. So I guess I am just feeling really frustrated right now that I have ended up so confused about what my feelings and attractions really are (sometimes I think I am definitely gay; other times I am not sure I can write off all of my previous relationships or feelings for guys as products of these influences so maybe I am bi; other times I am flat out in denial that I could ever actually act on my attraction for women). And I get frustrated that I have missed/wasted so much time because I was just pushed into this straight box, and not just a straight box, but also a relationship box, with all of these expectations about how I should act and feel as a woman in a relationship, and what I should look for in a man and how I should be treated and how I should want to behave and who I should want to be with and what characteristics they should have and what they should look like, etc. and I just think it is SO frustrating. Sorry, I am just ranting now...just wondering if anyone else can relate or has a comment.
I can relate I think it can become tricky trying to separate romantic attraction and caring/admiration/insert other emotion here at times.I have probably had more opposite sex "crushes" (or perceived that way by others and sometimes myself).The thing is apart from having quite a bit in common,the sexual attraction was never really there (and if it was it was for such a brief period of time that it does not really count for much,especially since it might have been a bit forced on my part of things). I think (and I do not know about you) that maybe it has something to do with respecting certain qualities about the opposite sex.The fact that there are commonalities in interests and that close friendship bonds are formed is not all that surprising. I think what it comes down to is having to figure out which gender you would have a better chance of having a long term relationship with.Having been told how to feel myself ,I later realized that I was simply trying to live up to expectations of how others want me to be (the fact that someone's sexuality is not always 100 percent obvious to people probably also plays a role). I think sometimes we become a bit too analytical at times(which can also be part of the bargaining process or reading too much into certain things),so my question to you is what feels right?What comes more naturally?
Well, It seems to me like you've mostly figured it out! You seemed to immediately regognize that real, amazing, stomach-twisting feeling that is oh-so-rare. Next time it happens, don't ignore it, or forever reget it!
I can completely relate. I've had what I thought was crush on a boy, but realised now I probably didn't. The reason I thought I liked him is that I often found myself looking at him and thought he funny. However, analysing my thoughts, I can see now that I actually never desired having a relationship with him and just liked the way he looked. But, because he was pretty much the only boy I really paid any attention to, I thought I had to be attracted to him. And as soon I labelled him as a crush, I did become nervous around him, but only because of the label. Now, the way I determine whether I admire someone or am attracted to them is how naturally the feelings come. With boys, even when we have a lot in common and get on really well, I don't feel nervous around them. It is only when I analyse them, see their good qualities and start thinking about them as a possible crush does the awkwardness come. With girls, I'm nervous around them immediately and feel so giddy when they talk to me. In high school, I can remember I had a few girls I felt this way around them and I had no idea why. I didn't think about them romantically but that because I didn't see them crushes at the time. Now, I can defiantly see I had feelings for them. The best thing though, is to recognise your current crushes. See if you feel nervous around them, giddy, think about them lots. If you are genuinely attracted to them, these things will come naturally. Sometimes they'll be conflicting feelings. I find I do become nervous around some guys, but I realise now it is because I'm afraid they are attracted to me or think I'm attracted to them. However, it is best to look at things with a open mind.
Thanks for the replies everyone! @Enigma 25: Thanks so much, I am glad to know I am not alone in having trouble sorting out these feelings! What you said about respect I think is totally true. And as for the lack of sexual attraction, I don't think I realized it was lacking at the time because I had never allowed myself to really experience it; then I was stuck looking for reasons why I didn't desire physical intimacy very much, and blamed my discomfort with the men I dated on basically everything under the sun except for my orientation. And yes, definitely having my orientation not be obvious (I genuinely think any of my friends would be shocked to hear I am gay) made it easier for me to just follow along with what others expected of me in terms of dating. So I guess now I know what doesn't feel right (being with men); but I am still having trouble feeling like I know for sure that being with a woman definitely would feel right. Also, I actually find it hard for me to imagine being in a long term relationship with anyone at all. If I am a lesbian, then that means all of my previous attempts at relationships have been missing a crucial element, so I know I can't judge based on past experience. But even so, I am the type of person that enjoys having my own space and time to myself, and even though I do get very lonely sometimes and I can imagine it would be great to fall in love with someone, it is hard for me to picture sharing my life constantly with another person. I suppose once I fell in love I would feel differently? I don't know, it's hard to imagine it! I thought I was in love with a guy once, but looking back I am not so sure of the physical part of things, so I think maybe I just felt a very close friendship, admiration, and respect for him. However, I did want to spend all my time with him at the time and missed him a lot when we were apart, but I have a hard time imagining feeling like that about someone long-term. So when people ask, who can you picture yourself being in a long-term relationship with, my answer tends to be "no one," and it has nothing to do with their gender. It's not that I don't want it, because I know it makes people very happy, and of course I want to be happy, but I just have a hard time picturing it. Am I the only one? I have been (unhappily!) very socially isolated for a long time, so I think that might have something to do with it. @FancyGummy: Thanks! I wish I felt as certain as I sound all the time! But, yes, I definitely won't ignore it next time I feel that attraction; the only trouble is, I have been living a very isolated life for a long time (moved to a new town without knowing anyone, am self-employed and work from home, and also was sick and mostly housebound for the last several years), so I haven't felt it in a while. It doesn't happen that often anyway, even back when I was in school and had (relatively speaking) lots of friends! I am trying to meet new people these days, though, and I guess I'll see what happens! I have found that just physical attractiveness isn't really enough for me, though; I have to feel like I have some kind of emotional or common interest bond with someone to feel really interested and strongly attracted to them. @ElementsRoyalty: Yes, you exactly described what I was trying to say! I really, really wish I had a current crush to compare my past feelings to; but as I said above, I am very isolated right now so I don't. The only close friend I have at the moment is a guy, and I have sometimes felt very confused about my feelings towards him. I know he is attractive and we get along well, but I feel the same way about him as I have about most guys I have dated; I like spending time with him and I feel emotionally close to him, and I can even admire his appearance, but I don't feel any instinctive pull to experience any physical intimacy with him, beyond sometimes wanting a hug . I wish I could meet a girl that I could have the same kind of emotional bond with and also feel an attraction to--this time I would never ignore it!!!
I have similar experiences with others identifying something as a crush and me going along with it. The first few times this happened, I bristled and said "no, it's not," but the more I denied it, the less they believed me and so I began believing it myself. It would be that as far as I knew I didn't have a crush on this guy, but since he was nice and not bad-looking and so on.... perhaps I did have a crush on him after all; surely my friends must be right? At the same time I was often (as I am only able to acknowledge since a few months) checking out girls I thought looked really nice. I'd become horribly shy if one of them talked to me, grinning awkwardly, etc. I just thought I was interested in fashion... and didn't consider anything else or delved too deeply into it. Maybe I was afraid what it could mean... but it just didn't really cross my mind that I could be a lesbian. I didn't fit the stereotype (which was all I knew) and that was that. Although I was secretly jealous of lesbians, at the same time, as they could live without a man and could have fun together instead. But that didn't ring any bells either (and I didn't want to listen anyway). It just goes to show that it isn't easy to figure out your sexuality when it isn't straight... since you assume it is and everyone around you does the same.
I always been attracted to guys (and always become shy with them),but some of the crushes i had were because i started noticing them and i thought "maybe i like him" so when they were around i became shy and akward.So i was thinking about the "label" as you said,i dont really know if i really had a Crush then.And i have never been attracted to a women neither.Im confused now hahah
