For the past five months I’ve been questioning my sexuality a lot. It has happened very slowly, first I thought I was being silly, because I’ve always checked out boys and had crushes on boys growing up, but it just got more and more intense. It went from never thinking about girls, never looking at them in anything but a friendly way, too now I just can’t get girls out of my mind and, my hearts starts beating faster when I think about it and when I imagine myself in a relationship it’s with a girl. Also, not so long ago I was at a party and I danced very close with my friend (female) and flirted with her a bit and I just wanted to grab her and kiss her. But of course I was very drunk. I think the thing that really confuses me is when I go online and read about being gay it seems like everyone knew from a very young age and it seems weird to me that up until 19 I had close to no clue. But at the same time I’ve only kissed a few boys and I always felt bad after, but I just thought: “Well, it probably wasn’t the right one.” And even when I held hands with boys it has felt wrong. But I had one mayor crush on a boy when I was 15 years old and whenever he would look at me I would get butterflies in my stomach. Nothing ever happened, because he had a girlfriend. And by the time they broke up I was over it. As you can probably sense I’m very confused. And I don’t know who to talk to about it. I don’t know what to do about it. So, I could really use some advice. Or just knowing that someone out there is reading this and understanding what I’m going through with this, because I feel very alone with this.
There are no rules about when you realise that you might have same gender feelings. I suspected I might be bi, and repressed it forever. I'm 40 now and only just accepting I was never bi, I was always gay. So don't feel weird about the fact that these feelings are new to you. It's the perfect age to be questioning - commitment free and free to explore for yourself. You most certainly are not alone. Welcome to EC!
It took me until I was 37 to realize I was a lesbian and it came as a complete shock. You are not alone, we've all either been through what you are experiencing or are currently experiencing it.
Thank you for your sweet responses. I think I just need to explore it more and not be so afraid of it.
