I've been questioning my sexuality as of the past two months or so. So far, I haven't really come to any one conclusion. If anything, the more I think about this whole issue, the more confusing and complicated things become. I'm 18, but before I turned 18 I never really felt the need to confront my sexuality because I didn't want to think about dating or address the issue at all. Now that I'm older though, and I have friends frequently drilling me on why I've never had a boyfriend or even kissed a guy, it's becoming harder to ignore. I feel sort of weird and unusual compared to all of them. If anyone takes the time to read this, thank you so much! Since I've just been going round and round in a circle confusing myself, I was wondering if someone else could help me out. I know that in the end, only I can figure this out for myself, but strictly on paper, do I sound gay (or bisexual, or straight) to you? I was wondering if an unbiased stranger could see a pattern more clearly than I can. Straight evidence - up until about the age of 13, I did have mild crushes on the boys at my school - I have always found myself physically attracted to men: as in, the thought of 'being with' one doesn't sound unappealing to me. However, that desire was always sort of in the abstract, rather than tied to particular guys. It was as if there was a disconnect in my brain. I would never see a guy and think to myself "I want to date/have sex with him" and then work to bring that about. When I pictured myself with a guy, it was never someone I knew. - when I thought about my future, I always pictured myself marrying a guy and having kids with a guy - I never consciously wondered if I could be gay when I was younger, which could be a red flag, because all of my gay male friends claim "if you are gay, you're like me, and you've always known" - I can't really see myself settling down with a person of the same gender. The thought of being in a relationship with another girl when I'm young seems realistic, but I can't picture myself growing old with one. I can't see myself as an "old lesbian" (I know that sounds weird), and absolutely not a lesbian parent (although to be honest, motherhood has never seemed all that great to me) Gay evidence - I do find women more physically attractive as a whole package (stubble, chest hair, typically "manly" things gross me out), but I'm not so sure about actually 'being with' someone of the same gender. It all seems very new. - I stopped having crushes on the boys at my school after about the age of 13. I felt absolutely zero desire to have a boyfriend at the moment (I always thought "maybe one day") - I've always had absolutely zero interest in talking about guys with my friends. I usually opt out of the conversation, because I just can't understand their obsessions and infatuations with the guys at our school. Something doesn't click. - I feel a very strange, mild sense of sadness when I think about having a relationship with a guy. Before I started questioning myself, this didn't happen so much with faceless, imaginary guys (non-specific), but the thought of having a realistic relationship with any of the guys I actually knew made me feel... weirdly uncomfortable. - I'm absolutely fascinated by gay relationships on TV. They've taken the spot of the straight couples I used to enjoy watching for some reason. Some more details: I don't get uncomfortable or nervous at all around the guys at my school. It's very easy for me to chat with them, no matter how attractive they are. When I talk to other girls however, for some reason I feel more of a need to "impress" and make a good first impression (if that makes any sense). The thought of having a girlfriend kind of freaks me out though. I used to be able to fantasize about men, but I've completely lost that ability as of lately. I'm still waiting to see if it comes back once the "shock" of all this wears off - I'm hoping it's just a temporary phase since all of this seems so foreign (but at the same time, familiar). I feel so guilty because I have nothing against guys, and I see so many wonderful guys and think "is this what I'll be throwing away?". I'm worried my discomfort around guys is purely psychological, and I just need to give myself a few years to find Mr. Right. The one thing I don't want to be is bisexual though, because that just seems like a life of always flipping between two genders, never fully satisfied because you can never get "the full package" - when you're with a guy, you'll always miss what girls have to offer and vice versa, no matter how great your current relationship is (there will always be moments of doubt). That would be the hardest situation for me. I desperately, desperately just want to fit into the neat little boxes of straight or gay, and get on with my life without so much confusion. So, what do I sound like to you?
Alright, I'm gonna do my best to help you out. This is mostly coming from a mix of personal experience and other stuff I've read. But remember, the only one who can really decide your sexuality is you. In all honesty, there are so many bits and pieces of evidence in your post, that I really can't tell if you're one or the other. There seems to be more attraction to girls than there are to guys, but the whole "not being satisfied" in a relationship with a girl throws that off. As for how you imagined your future husband and stuff, I can relate to that. If you're never really exposed to LGBT things as a kid, the idea rarely pops into your head. Even if it does occur, we can't handle/understand anything close to that until middle school (at the earliest!). When I was little, I didn't learn the word "gay" until fifth grade, and never totally understood what it meant until later on. I never saw gay couples, all I saw were moms and dads. So, naturally, I assumed I was going to date and marry a boy. Is it possible that we grew up in similar ways? It's hard to imagine yourself as anything but straight when you grow up being told "Oh you and your husband... blah blah blah." From reading your post, I can only assume that there is some sort of romantic orientation that is getting into the way. However, I can't pinpoint exactly what kind of romantic orientation that would be. I'd recommend looking up different ones (and believe me, there are plenty of them), and seeing if one sounds similar to what you're feeling. Not all of them are recognized as being official sexualities, but frankly, who cares. It's a word that you can use to describe and realize what you're feeling, and there's nothing wrong with that. I know I personally identify as a bi-romantic demisexual, which means I have to have some sort of an emotional bond with someone before a crush starts to form. I don't have any sexual attraction towards people I don't know. Knowing about demisexuality helped me figure a lot of stuff out, like how I was falling for my guy friends so often and why I didn't have many crushes. Also, your relationships with friends and family members don't effect your sexuality. Sure, they might help you realize it more, but you don't really think you're gay just because you have a twin or not like men because of your dad. And for those gay friends that told you they knew from the start... most of us aren't that lucky! I don't know who told you about bisexuality being a constant struggle between one or the other gender, but I'm going to tell you right now that that's not true. Are there bisexuals that feel that way? Sure. Are there bisexuals that don't? Probably more than the former. Bisexuality is just a preference for EITHER gender, not exactly both. It means you could fall for either one, and be perfectly fine. It doesn't miss you are constantly craving attention from the other gender. Plus, it's not even just the attraction between boys and girls, it's an attraction to genders different and the same as your own. So it's not a tug of war between two genders in your brain most of the time. And many bisexuals have a preference for one gender, and that's perfectly okay! I personally love ladies, and am very picky when it comes to guys. Doesn't make me any less bi. So yeah, there might be some possible attraction to another gender than the one you're with, but that usually doesn't leave you any less satisfied or feeling like you're missing out. Plus, there are plenty of ways you can "make do" in a sense. Hopefully I've helped in some way. Don't try and figure this all out at once, take some time and think it over. There's no rush. You can message me if you wanna chat about it more, I'll be happy to help you out. Until then, here's a hug. (*hug*)
I would start with a little bit of self-love -even if that sounds a little Oprah. It really is incredibly important that you are on your own side. I think it also helps to acknowledge (if you don't mind me saying so) that there also control issues involved in the above (for me too) i.e. what am I, who will I be with, where will I end up etc. Those are control issues; sexuality is just the subject matter - is that fair? It also released some anxiety for me to re frame the issue as not a simple dichotomy question/answer but rather one about 'people' i.e. I will just have to wait and see what 'person' walks into my life and changes the gears of my heart. It may well be the case that there are different people of different genders that do that for you - and you live different chapters. Isn't that exciting? I think so :icon_bigg p.s. i know its phenomenally cringy but in Titanic Jack says at the dinner table that as long as he's got his art tools and air in his lungs he's got enough, he never knows where life is going to take him - i love that sentiment, it's an exciting way of looking at the world, a perspective that rolls with whatever Providence decides and has fun along the way, while everyone else tries to swim against the current like the natural control freaks we are!
You can look at as much for an against evidence as you like, but at the end of the day, the only deciding factor in sexuality is whom you are attracted to. If someone is gay and not bisexual, then in my opinion the majority of the questioning stage is really just avoiding answering that question. ---------- Post added 3rd Oct 2014 at 07:27 PM ---------- From what I've read it doesn't sound to me like you're attracted to men
I don't think your dad and living in close proximity with another girl can cause you to think you like a gender you really don't. I don't mean to make it sound like it's about me but I've had experience with not getting along with my dad and instead of being in close courters with other girls it was the opposite: My Dad and I used to bicker constantly, when I was 13 he was emotionally abusive to everyone, and even though we live together I don't think we're that close to each other. I thought I must have been subconciously scared of guys. Now if a man ever tried to bring me harm I'd hurt him, if he tried to be emotionally abusive I'd tell him off. I like guys no more and no less now. Also, I thought having any interest in girls was because I usually didn't have female friends, mostly just guy friends through elementary. I thought maybe I was just wanting them to generally like me too much and I was noticing how attractive some girls were because I was jealous. I got over the stupid 5th grade popularity contest by 7th grade and it didn't make me like girls any more or any less.
Thanks so much for this. It's nice to know I have someone I can message if this gets more confusing! To be honest, I don't know why I can't really imagine myself growing old with someone of the same gender. Maybe it's just because I haven't been exposed to that during my life. To be honest, the thought of growing old in general has always seemed strange to me. I guess I always felt like I won't ever get the chance to grow old: not so much that I'm invincible, but sort of that I'm the kind of person who could die young. Gosh, I know that sounds very bizarre. But it's true. As for the whole bi thing, I guess I just thought that because I've seen people on this forum before (and on other forums) who describe a situation where they marry someone of the same gender thinking they lean towards that end of the spectrum, and after years and years of being together, attraction to the opposite gender starts to grow. Or, maybe a bi guy marries a woman, and later on in the marriage, starts missing what guys had to offer in the past (because men and women are different in some respects). Obviously the same can happen vice versa, but that's what I'm most worried about. I don't know yet if humans are even built for monogamy (despite the fact that I myself am very shy and monogamous), but the concept of bisexuality makes that even harder to believe. I hope not. Thanks again though (*hug*) ---------- Post added 3rd Oct 2014 at 07:17 PM ---------- I also loved that part of the movie. At first I thought how nice it would be to live a life of different "chapters" - in a sense, that seems like a poignant thing (having several good relationships throughout your life), however it's a contradiction to my personality because I consider myself pretty monogamous. I don't know how I would feel approaching life with an outlook of having multiple relationships, without the need to settle. right now, I do want to do the whole "follow your heart" thing. But it's hard. Not having a firm answer is hard. I overthink things. I don't want to be patient - I want things to be clear now. I guess that's where the control issues come in! Thank you. I'll try to practice more self love. I really don't have a lot of it, to be honest. It's something I need to work on. I always liked the quote "we accept the love we think we deserve." Maybe that's why the thought of being in a relationship seems to impossible to me? Because I don't have self-confidence. Who knows.
That's interesting. I guess it just shows how situations affect people differently. You could argue that having a bad relationship with your dad makes you a lesbian because you're "turned away from men", but you could also argue just as strongly that it makes you seek more approval from men in the future. For me I was the opposite. I didn't have lots of guy friends, because I feel like a good number of teen guys don't really want to be your true, platonic friend unless they see the potential for a relationship somewhere down the line. A lot of my female friends had guy friends that they had friend-zoned, and even though they had good relationships with them, there was always that hint of 'what could be' - not so much stringing those guys along, but kind of keeping the dream alive to some degree by avoiding coming out to them and saying "I'll never date you, this is strictly platonic." Some of those friends of mine said they liked having guy friends who would compliment them and be nice to them, almost flirtatiously but not quite, because the male attention was nice. I guess since I wasn't really interested in guys, the only time I could ever really be friendly with a guy was when I thought it was completely platonic. If I didn't feel like that was the case, I wouldn't really bother.
I personally do not think traumatic events will change your sexuality. There are many cases of women or men in traumatic situations and it not changing there sexuality. If sexuality is not a choice...then no one nor ourself can make us a certain sexuality that we are not naturally are. We can choose our sexual conduct.. But, doesn't mean we will enjoy it..if it is against our nature. Just my opinion. I'm not bisexual but the bisexuals i know are not in constant turmoil and does not mean you will have the inability to commit or an unfulfilling monogamous relationship. The guy in high school.. You could have just clear cut not wanted to date him...doesn't have to be that you are a lesbian. I would very much recommend a therapist to help you distinguish between trust issues or displeasure related to issues from childhood and your sexual/emotional feelings. A therapist that specialize in lgbt can help or going to your local lgbt center for free counseling & support groups or if you are going/plan to go to college soon, they have lgbt groups for support and counseling. I would look into that. Universities, a good majority of them, will give free mental health sessions to full time students. From your post i can't give you my opinion on your sexuality. The straight evidence and gay evidence doesn't give me a clear opinion on your sexuality. In the end only you know your sexuality. My advice is talk to anyone that interest you and just let it develop. Don't force it. I have known many girls who were not interested in any of the guys in their school or among their activities. To me that is normal. You are not gonna like every tom dick and harry. You will also not like like someone every year and it be someone you want to date So just take your time.. Have fun..get to know the people that interest you. Do you have a theory/idea what your sexuality might be and if so why do you have that idea/theory? I hope i help a tad!
I agree, you ve got to put in the work as I said above. Your best chance at a healthy relationship is to go into with a solid sense and love for who you are. I remeber one great quote that said something along the lines of 'I always had the great advantage of being on my side' I.e. I have a head start on everyone else who fights with themselves
You have helped a tad! Thank you. To be honest, I thought I knew which way I leaned. When I first started questioning myself, it sort of just hit me one day. I was on vacation with my family, pretty cut off from technology and life at home, so I guess I had the whole "self reflection" opportunity. At first, I thought it was strange, but it also made sense. When I thought, "hmm, I think I might be gay", something about that felt right. And I was content for about a week or two... but then I started really getting into the nitty gritty of it. Analyzing my life, my preferences, all the little details. Envisioning a life with a guy versus a girl, going over the pros and cons, etc. That's my biggest flaw. I'm extremely indecisive . I actually transferred schools three times this year (I know, it's humiliating for me) because I was so torn up about staying at my regular high school or pursuing independent studies like I did in previous years. I eventually decided to stick with the independent studies, but there are still times when I agonize "what if" - even though I consider myself mostly at peace. When I'm presented with a choice to make - two options where one isn't clearly superior to the other - I flounder, because I just can't make up my mind. It's so much easier for me when things are black and white, or when I only have one option for something. This is why I think being bisexual would be so difficult for someone with my personality. I think my 'leaning towards gay' theory mostly comes from the fact that I haven't had crushes on any of the guys at my school. I never actually took the time to wonder whether or not that was out of the ordinary, but now I feel like I've gotten to an age where I can't ignore that fact. I can't deny that I feel so differently from everyone (at least, all of my very boy obsessed, straight friends). I have had no desire to date any guys, nor have I felt attracted to any of the guys in my class. I have felt attracted to certain girls however, especially this year after I have started to question myself. Still, I just can't shake the fact that I used to fantasize about men in the past (physically, having a relationship with one, etc). Even though those guys in the fantasy were usually imaginary/faceless - because once I put an actual person to that fantasy things felt kind of weird - everything still seemed quite 'real'. I'm so confused now, because I don't even know if those feelings were ever real or not. I find myself more attracted to the female body as a whole, although I still find a guys "equipment" more appealing. Is that completely strange of me? Talk about being split in two. I think I'll explore the counseling thing, although I'm very shy. I think the only way I could go is if I had a bag over my head. :icon_redf I have been thinking of just having fun and letting life take me where it takes me, and it helps a lot to have someone telling me to just go for it. Thanks again (*hug*)
in a way sounds like my situation. im physically attracted to men, but the idea of sex is unpleasing. I have only recently identified myself as asexual, but use to think there was just something wrong with me, considering as a teenager al my friends are up and having sex and loving every second of it but whenever i had sex, i just wanted it to be over. i found it uncomfortable, disgusting, and unnecessary. I dont know if thats completely as it is for you ( I admit I skimmed through some of it. ADHD is a mighty bitch.) but if so you may want to look into that as a possibility as well.
