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I'm sure you've heard this before...

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by KayFortnight, Oct 3, 2014.

  1. KayFortnight

    KayFortnight Guest

    ...but I can't figure out my sexuality.

    I’m 16, and I have only the slightest clue what my sexuality is, although I’m pretty sure it’s not straight. I just want a little advice. See, the thing is I’m also worried I’m deluding myself into believing I might be a lesbian, because I don’t want to be asexual, and I really don't want to be asexual aromantic. I want kids and a life partner, and even though those are possible with asexuality, they're much harder.

    I didn't feel anything that could be even remotely construed to be attraction for my entire life, until recently (maybe), except for maybe on a few fictional characters. Even then, I'd characterize my attraction as more of an asexual "squish" because I wanted to be friends with them and comfort them when they were hurt. At most I'd give them hugs. Besides, I constantly ship those characters with their love interests anyway.

    I was in freshmen year when I first heard of the term asexual. 14 years old, and telling my best friend I'd never had a crush. She asked if I was asexual, since she's a lesbian, into the lesbian community and has know all those terms for practically forever. She explained the term to me, since I'd never heard of it, and I identified with it. Of course that didn't last.

    Late that spring, I saw a girl who visited my study hall, and I couldn't stop looking at her. I'd glance at my paper, but then I'd inevitably look back up. I dismissed it as aesthetic attraction: her body and facial features were perfect and what I'd always wished I had myself, and she had a pixie haircut, something I'd already started desiring. (I cut my hair short last spring, 1 year after this incident, in case anyone's curious). I saw her again the next year, though, and she didn't have any of the same compelling feel to her.

    Late in the spring of sophomore year, I had what may have been a crush. See, there was this guy I'd been friends with for the whole of that year. Occasionally we sat together on the bus, and eventually I noticed that I missed him when he was out sick, instead of just living my life as normal. It was little things I missed, like how weird it felt not talking to him that day and how strange it was to not have the heat of his leg on mine during the bus ride. I couldn't and still can't imagine ever having sex with him or even kissing him, but could see hugging him if I weren't uncomfortable with public displays of affection in general (just one of my issues). I got over it, though, and when I came back to school this fall, I wondered if I'd just imagined it.

    And now it's junior year, and I think it's happening again with my best female friend, the lesbian friend I mentioned earlier who asked if I was asexual. We don't talk much on the bus, but it feels so wrong when she's not there. Even if we're both listening to our MP3 players, her presence means so much to me. I could see kissing her. I could see a future with her. I still can't see having sex with her.

    Sometimes I worry that even if I'm not asexual, I might be sexually repressed or have other issues along those lines. I'm still at the point where the idea of sex disgusts me, after all. All those fluids :eek: Possible TMI in spoiler:
    I also so far have not felt anything when I masturbate. Nothing. I may be doing it wrong, though, since I'm female and my understanding is it's generally harder for us.

    Any advice or ideas?
     
  2. theflyingelf

    Regular Member

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    Hey! You could be a homoromantic asexual, or a demiromantic asexual and romantically attracted to girls. Or even biromantic but with a much stronger attraction to girls. Demiromantics feel romantic attraction after developing an emotional bond, like a close friendship (if you want to be real specific, demi homoromantic, demi biromantic, etc.)

    Sex-repulsion can be found in sexuals and asexuals, I don't know much about it because I'm sex-neutral, but it would be worth checking into.

    Hey, so relationships may be harder because you're ace, but the chances of a successful relationship are still very good. I've seen hundreds of panromantic aces out there, there are also biromantic and homoromantic aces as well. There are also allosexual people who are okay being in an asexual relationship. Don't feel bad about who you are. No matter how much you want to, you can't change it. Its much healthier to think positive. When you accept who you are, you feel sooo much better about yourself. I did.

    Good luck!
     
  3. jay777

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  4. KayFortnight

    KayFortnight Guest

    Thanks for the advice! I suppose I could see myself as demiromantic ace...
     
  5. kaypulu

    Regular Member

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    "Late that spring, I saw a girl who visited my study hall, and I couldn't stop looking at her. I'd glance at my paper, but then I'd inevitably look back up. I dismissed it as aesthetic attraction: her body and facial features were perfect and what I'd always wished I had myself, and she had a pixie haircut, something I'd already started desiring. (I cut my hair short last spring, 1 year after this incident, in case anyone's curious). I saw her again the next year, though, and she didn't have any of the same compelling feel to her."

    This to me sounds more like you wanted to be that girl, instead of you wanting to be with that girl. Think about it.

    I never had crushes on anyone, like really, before I turned 16. I'm not saying that it'll magically happen to you now, now that you're sixteen too, but it's just that not everyone has sexual feelings towards people at an early age. I always made mental notes of people that I found attractive... but then, one random day, something clicked and I felt like these good looking people were also desirable and sexy.

    It's fine for you to feel like your lost. But the thing is (imo) that no one can tell you what you're looking for, until you know what you're looking for. I didn't get comfort from different labels people told me I was when I didn't know what I liked. I still haven't found my label other than just "queer" or "not hetero" or "if hetero is on this far left side and homo is on this far right side, and then bi is in the middle, you'll see that there's a lot of grey area? I'm somewhere in the gray zone"

    It is difficult to not understand your own sexuality and on top of that at your age you have so many other questions about your identity, your future... Even the smallest things, like your taste in music, are developing and it might feel that there's nothing you can hang onto. At least I felt that way. It's fine.

    I feel like I can't help you at all, but I just wanted to tell you that it's okay if you don't know what your sexuality is. Especially if there's people around you who have known since they were kids you might feel weird for not understanding "such simple thing" about yourself, but who says that sexuality is simple?

    Think about what you like, who you see in your dreams. Who you find attractive, who you don't. Is it an emotional thing? Do you feel like you fall for people when you get to know them more? Some people need an emotional connection in order to feel sexual attraction (this is something I understood just today).

    Take your time.