Hi everyone, I'm in a complicated situation about my feelings and I reach an end point and I have no idea what to do next (or to get out this situation). So, I think it helps if I start from the beginning. I'm a guy in early 20's and I never have any sexual/romantic relation with anyone (with this point I'm totally fine). I always thought of myself as an heterosexual person even if I don't feel the need that other guys have to run after girls. Only recently I've been confronted with my sexual orientation because I don't feel any kind of atraction from the ideal atractive man that society idealize (pretty guy with abs and hairless). As a normal young man, I watch porn movies and 2-3 years ago I found that I'm attrated to bear man (I guess you are familiar with what a bear is). So far, no problem because I never had a crush in any man, until recently. Even if I know for a while that I'm attrated to men I'm still in the closet to myself (I'm tring to leave the denying fase). It's easy to control yourself if you don't have strong feeling for anyone. But everything chance when does feeling came aboard. There's a friend of mine (probably my best friend) that I know for 3 years and I start to have feelings from him in the last 4 months. I'm the first month I was really happy but then I came back to reality. I'm trying to forget him (because nothing can happen between us) but it's really hard and I thing I'm going to explode. I'm very rational and I always assume that love is something superficial and easy to control but I couldn't be more wrong. I really feel a physical and an emotional attraction over him. The reason I'm writing here is because I have no ideia what to do to move forward, and I think that my body is reacting negatively to this impasse (I'm with stomach problems for 3 months I think that's because the anxiety and tension that this situation is giving me). So... What should I do? Let the time do it's work? Should I see a psychologist? I'm thinking to much over this and stick of not having a clue what to do. :help: PS: I'm sorry for the possibly mistakes. English isn't my native language.
I have never been in any romantic/sexual relationship, either. Like you, I considered myself a heterosexual. I never understood why other women/girls would obsess over men because I never did. I just thought I had more control over myself. It turns out I was actually lesbian/gay and I don't have as much control as I thought! :lol: I guess what I'm saying is that your story sounds kinda familiar. So, you weren't sure about your interest in other men because of how society pushes one ideal? Your confusion is completely understandable. There are all kinds of preferences with a sexual orientation even if society thinks otherwise. It's completely natural for you to be interested in bear men. (*hug*) Yes, it is easy to control yourself under those circumstances. That ease can lead to hiding the truth about your orientation, too. Just so you know, the hardest part is accepting yourself. Once you accept your orientation (whatever it may be) it gets much easier. Falling for a friend is hard no matter what. Falling for a friend and learning that you aren't the person you thought you were is doubly hard. (*hug*) If you know that you can never be with your friend (he's married and monogamous, he's straight, etc.), then, I think, you should put any hopes for a relationship with him aside. It's easier to deal with unrequited love sooner rather than later. You may be feeling like you'll "explode" because of questioning your sexual orientation, rather than your interest in your friend. I suggest trying to understand your sexuality before pursuing a relationship. At least until you can be calm. Go easy on yourself. You don't have to be the rational one always. You have my permission to be emotional and not know what's happening. If you think going to a psychologist would help, then there's no harm. I've heard that there are psychologists/therapists that specialize in LGBT+ issues and coming out. It's hard not to over-think the situation and drive yourself to anxiety. I spent at least 6 months tearing myself apart trying to figure out if I was lesbian/gay. I think you are right in that you need to give it some time. Be gentle with yourself, take a break from the questioning whenever you can, and things will fall into place eventually. You don't need to have all the answers. Lastly, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being something other than straight. You can be straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, asexual, pansexual, queer, etc. It is all completely natural for people to be any of those things or none. I want you to know that you have my support and the support of a thousand others. (&&&) Oh, and your English is fine.
Thank you for the reply. Pretty much that. It took me a while to understand that if I was homosexual it didn't mean that I have to feel attraction for every men on Earth. In my case, I don't have any attraction from young and skinny guys. I research a lot on this until I realise that sexuality is too complex to be closed in boxes. I'm trying to put any hopes aside but when I go to bed, I just feel a huge need to hug my pillow and think that is him (this sound so melodramatic :lol. But it's probably my fault, because I create, unconsciously, a bit of hope. That bit of hope came from the fact that I'm not 100% sure that he is heterosexual. I really hate stereotypes but I don't know a lot of man that have a lot of girls best friends, never had a girlfriend, and is always making jokes on gays (not in a mean way, just things like writting in a board that someone is gay and stuff like that). It help me a lot if I have a girlfriend. I thought deeply on that and I can tell you that it's not my sexual orientation that is making me feel this way. Since I found that I like him I've been thinking a lot on having a relationship with a man (especially him). I'm not over thinking on my sexual orientation but on having a (long and trustful) experience of it. I'm thinking a lot on that. I'll just wait a few more weeks and then, probably, I will see one. I just don't want to go there and he/she tells me that I'm overreacting or making a storn in a glass of water. I'm aware that is nothing wrong with what I'm feeling. For me it's fine, but for the other it doesn't. Homophobia is a reality in our society and is hard to talk about it. I can't imagine the day that I'll have to sit with my parents and tell them: "I have a very special person in my life and it's a man."
First, it's best not to get a girlfriend just for the sake of it. That will only bury the issue further down. (You are probably not thinking of doing this, but I'm throwing it out there just in case. ) I'm not sure if you can ever help hoping someone will love you back. It's not so much your fault as it is out of your control. There's no easy solution, hence all the poetry on the subject of impossible love. :lol: I may be going out on a limb here, but "making jokes on gays" is probably some internalized homophobia. It would be best to cut back on making jokes like that for your sake and for other gay people. Even the little stuff hurts. Perhaps I am misjudging the content of your jokes/teasing, but I have never heard any joke/tease about gay people that wasn't hurtful in some sense. Just be careful. Also, there are gay men who have nearly zero female friends. There are also straight men who have nearly zero male friends. Then there are men who don't have any friends. The gender or sex ratio of your friends doesn't necessarily indicate anything about your sexuality. Your desire for this man has got you thinking of men in general, but this man is the true subject of your thoughts. It sounds like a good old fashion crush! That makes sense. That means that you are not reacting to your new found attractions by reaching out to any and every man in a sexual way. It also seems that you've gotten past the idea that you must find all men attractive in order to be gay (as you said earlier). I have had my own trouble with that, too. I'm happy to see that you seem to be approaching this in a healthy way! I was worried that we were dealing with a meltdown. I think you have come a long way already in exploring your sexuality. If they are a good therapist, then they won't undermine your concerns. Coming to terms with one's sexuality (especially if it is seen as against the "norm") is no easy task and should never be brushed off as nothing. Find another therapist if they think coming out is trivial. Again, I am very glad to see that you are accepting of LGBT+ people! Yes, homophobia is definitely real. We are discriminated against and attacked every moment of our lives (through the media, individual people, etc.). I sometimes wonder how I can live in a society that hates LGBT+ people so much. The situation is better than it used to be, but it's still bad. :tantrum: . . . Sorry for the rant. *phew* I'm ok now. I think you can put aside the issue of coming out to your parents for the time being. You don't ever have to come out to them (or anyone) if you don't want to. Right now, just learning to accept how things are is most important. The best time to come out is when you are as comfortable as possible with yourself. I haven't come out to anyone but my sibling (who is very accepting) and I have trouble voicing anything related to my orientation in person. Until I can say "I'm lesbian" or "I am attracted to women" out loud to my sibling I probably can't come out to my parents. Maybe you feel more confident than me, though.
I write it wrong. I wanted to say that it would be helpfull if he has a girlfriend - in that scenario I could leave all the little hope aside. I know i'm being really naive and irrational in this point but he isn't sky, has a lot of friends (male and female) but he hasn't any girlfriend... Before this 'crush' I had my moments of thinking of some man in a sexual way but now I'm more focus on emotional and intellectual attraction. Also, I don't like to share my intimacy with a random person (casual sex isn't for me). I need to be in a relationship with mutal attaction and trust in order to work. True. In legal terms my contry is ok (same-sex marriage is allowed) but there are many people that are still blind in this issue. My father said this summer that homesexuality is a disease and my uncles are quite homophobic... And I won't tell them. At least not in the way "Mom. Dad. I like men." I don't like to share my private life so they will only know if I meet someone special that I need in my life no matter the consequences. Again, thanks a lot for the reply. This is the only way I have to talk about this problem right now.
I can see how it would be nice to "confirm" this guy's sexual orientation without having to ask him. However, even if he did have a girlfriend he could be bisexual. The question is if he is looking for a relationship, if he is open to a relationship with a man, and if he would try a relationship with you. You can always try to ask him these things and see where it goes. You won't know until you try. Unless there is something that clearly makes a relationship with him impossible, then I say give it a go. You can be naive and irrational here on EC. This is a safe place and we're here to support each other. (*hug*) It is very healthy to know what you need and to stand by it. Oh, my. I'm going to give you the usual advice and ask that you make sure you can support yourself completely before coming out to your family. You don't want them to cut off some sort of financial support that you require. You tell them (or not) in any fashion you like. It sounds like you are very confident about yourself, which is good. If there comes a time when you are living completely out (and some people never do), then you will need this strength. You are very welcome! (*hug*) I post and give advice on EC just to have a place where I can talk openly about these issues.
