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Confused for almost 15 years...

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Comicbookgirl, Oct 3, 2014.

  1. Comicbookgirl

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    Ever since I could remember, I had an attraction to men and women. I thought I was bisexual as a teenager because of this, because that is all I knew. When I tried to come out, a school counselor pulled me aside, got my parents involved, and it was so traumatizing, I pretty much went back into the safety of my closet.

    "How do you know? You never kissed a girl! You are doing this for attention" Were words that plagued me. So I forced myself to date only men, and it never felt 100% right. My attraction to other women was still there, along with a few men.

    I was even more fearful as I reached my 20's, as my only sexual experience was an assault by a man. I was scared people would tell me my attractions to women were a result of that, and that it was a way to feel "safe". My attacker was never charge, and I had the police and some people saying it was my fault... despite the fact I had psychologists willing to say I was a victim and could not have given my consent. I now felt even more ashamed of my sexuality and feelings, so I bottled them up some more, and did not dare try to explore them.

    As time passed, I met new friends, and one of them had a mutual friend who was a trans male. I found myself attracted to him, but never said anything. Again, I was scared what my parents would say, or anyone else, really. I just stuffed more feelings into my closet and went on with my life.

    Even more time passed. I met even more friends who were more diverse. I found myself growing attracted to personalities rather than gender. Male and female no longer had a label to me, after I realized I was attracted to someone who was trans. If someone had an attractive and kind personality, I found myself drawn to them.

    I am now in a state of confusion, and feeling quite stressed and sick over it. I have conservative parents who I cannot turn to in hopes of finding advice, and because I cannot drive or live near anywhere with transportation, I cannot find support in a physical sense. I have come here, hoping to weed out my confusion, perhaps accept myself, and stop feeling so bad for having certain feelings.
     
  2. IcelandLover

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    You should NEVER be made to feel lesser than anyone else. Enjoy your faults, that´s what separates you from the rest of the world; that´s what makes you special.
     
  3. Will2M

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    Well. You aren't straight. You have determined that much. There is so much to address here I am struggling to figure out what to write.

    First let's start with your first coming out experience. It has been years since this happened but it seems like it kind was the beginning of barring you into the closet. It sucks to have a counselor be there to help you and then turn on you like that. Plus on top of that having your parents be so negative :frowning2:

    It seems like you have some emotional trouble based on your unsupportive parents as well as your assault. It is unfortunate that you can't find the physical support you mentioned because I think it would really help you, EC can help to an extent but will only do so much.

    It does sound like you are forming a much better support group around you though! That is exciting! Use all your new found friends to help you through the process. Going to your parents would only make the process of accepting yourself harder than already it is.

    I too am attracted more to personalities and there is nothing wrong with that. In fact I would say it better because it means you are really attracted to the person. If you truly love a person everything about them is beautiful so looks really don't matter. Eventually you are going to find someone, male or female, in your life that you just can't resist and they will be able to help you with the process of acceptance as well as be someone who understands what you are going through.

    I wish I could help more but I don't really know what else to say, your position is a difficult one but I am sure that you will come through it okay. Just use your friends, be open with them and they will be able to understand and help you move on from your dark past and remove the bars keeping you in your closet.

    Good luck!
     
  4. Comicbookgirl

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    One of the big problems is I have always been made to feel lesser, so I ended up feeling like a lesser person. I could not even walk two feet in Elementary school without getting bullied for being that weird girl who liked football and comic books. If I went to a teacher or a Principle, I was told it was my fault, and I should change myself to avoid the bullying and be more acceptable.

    It progressed as I got older, and then as I started to develop and wanted to naturally explore my sexuality. I was told I was wrong about it, I did not know what I was talking about, and it made me kind of give up. I felt like I was forcing myself to be "normal" or "straight" for years, just to prove I was. I was not always attracted to the men I dated, and I felt like I was just doing it to please the people around me.

    For years, I have been bottling up my orientation and natural sexual feelings for all these years, and now I think it has come to a head. As time has gone on, I've wanted to explore, but am too scared to. Despite my age, I am still always desiring my parent's approval for some unknown reason.

    My friends are mostly online these days, but highly supportive. I feel safe to turn to them if I feel that I need help or an ear. Unfortunately, they do not know much about what I am dealing with in regards to my sexuality. I did searching online and found EC, and am hoping it can help me deal with some of the issues I have, and the questions that keep plaguing me about who I am (I do not wish to use the term "what I am", it does not sound right and might be insulting to some people).
     
  5. AsheTheHuman

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    Schools suck in that way. Anything to avoid being held liable. Even if it means becoming the bully themselves. It's disgusting and hypocritical. Anyways, I think it's natural to want your parent's approval. No matter what you may decide, we're here for you. If you ever want to talk, I'm open. (*hug*)
     
  6. Starfleet

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    Hi comicbookgirl. :slight_smile: I'm sorry you were treated so badly.

    Have you heard the term pansexual? What it is, is if you are more attracted to the other person's personality and the connection you make with them than by whatever the persons' sexuality or Gender is. I'm discovering that I am pansexual.
     
  7. Comicbookgirl

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    Thank you, Ashe. :slight_smile: I really appreciate it. This all happened before school shootings and anti-bullying campaigns even existed. Schools used to like to put their hands over their ears and pretend it was not happening. I thankfully survived it, though it did leave some mental scars.


    Hi, Starfleet! I have, which is what made me question if I was pansexual. The minute I realized I could be attracted to a transperson, I knew there was more to my sexuality than just male and female. The friends who I recently confided in that I may be pan were not surprised in the least. I was thankful that they were supportive, but they lacked information that I needed in this journey.
     
  8. Starfleet

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    I only recently discovered the term pansexual, but then I only admitted that I am transsexual last Sunday as well, so I can understand the questioning and confusion!

    My friends here were the real key to understanding myself. I'm glad you are here now, too. If you ever would like to talk, I'm around like all the time. :slight_smile:
     
  9. AsheTheHuman

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    What kind of info are you looking for exactly? Do you have any specific questions?
     
  10. Comicbookgirl

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    I have so many questions and many I am too embarrassed to ask, yet. I think I want to know a bit more about being a pansexual. If I am in a relationship, how do I explain this to my partner? Would I be accept in a regular LGBT community if I wanted to go and take part in an activity?

    That is all I can think off the top of my head and am comfortable with asking, currently.
     
  11. AsheTheHuman

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    Of course. Hopefully you'll become more comfortable over time. It's kind of intimidating at first, though I know. Anyways, the second question is easy. Yes. You will be hard pressed to find ANY LGBT group that doesn't accept pansexuals. The first one's a bit harder, but it all depends on whether or not they understand gender is a spectrum and not binary. If they are already aware, it should be easy. If not... Be prepared to talk to them about it.