Obsession vs. Love and dealing with complicated crushes (advice wanted!)

Hello lovelies,

It's been a while since I posted here last - I hope that everyone's had a good summer!

If you have the time, I'd like to talk about something that's been hanging heavily on me for quite some time now. I have to admit that I'm not expecting any straight answers for what I'm going through, but I'd love to know how some of you might have dealt with similar situations! It's honestly very confusing for me.

Bear with me now...

I got to college about 2 months ago now, and have been doing very well. It's a very small school filled with wonderful people, and I never have a lack for friends or activities. Every now and again though, when I'm all alone, I'm overcome with a sadness about coming to terms with my sexuality. I really dreamed that college would be a place for me to blossom in some sense, but it feels like I'm trapped. I'm 100% out here, and people are really accepting; it's just a personal issue that's so hard to get over.

The issue is that I've fallen for someone whom I could never be with. A very common problem I know, but it goes deeper than that. This person is in his 40's, is married, and has children. It's not the first time that I've had crushes like this, but the last one was more than 4 years ago, and I thought I had matured and come to better terms with myself since then. More than anything, it confuses me. I wonder whether what I'm feeling comes from a deeper issue that I have to deal with, and don't know what exactly I should do with these feelings as I experience them.

I do what I think is best, and I try to sort of "redirect" my feelings towards a more role-model-esque way of looking at it. I try my best to abstain from thinking about him in a sexual way, but I know that the attraction is still there, underneath the skin.

Even when the sexual aspect of it is cut out, though, I still find myself in a state of obsession. I think about him very frequently throughout the day, wonder what he's up to, think up ways to talk with him. It's all very normal for a crush, I know, but I think it's unhealthy when I start to hinge so much of my own happiness on his approval, and what I perceive him to think of me.

I've talked about this with my best friend here, who is also close to the man in question, and she says that she thinks it's completely normal. He takes genuine interest in the students here, she says, and she thinks that that's something that I crave. I've told her a bit about my relationship with my parents and my brother, as well as my last crushes which were similar to this, and she thinks that I'm looking for closeness and acceptance from an older, father-like figure in my life.

It's true that my relationship with my father has been confusing for me. He was not often there when I was young, and I never was able to connect with him on an emotional level. He loves me, I'm sure, but especially when I was very young, he was abusive towards my mother and my older brother. I can't remember exactly how he was abusive, but both my mother and my brother will mention stories from about the time I was 5-9, before the divorce, that just seem to be cut out of my memory. I sometimes will dream of those times in my life, though, and I'll get pictures of arguments, and occasionally even of physical abuse.

My friend might be right when she says that I'm looking externally for father figures, and perhaps that's getting tangled up with my confusion about my sexuality. In past experiences with these types of crushes, the entire crush would end as soon as the man in question got angry. In the case of the last crush, the man actually got angry at me and yelled at me for a while. It hit some very deep nerve and affected me for a good half of a year. After that, I thought I was sure that my crush on him came from some sad search for a 'better' father than my own, and once I saw him get angry, the entire obsession came crashing down.

With all that background in mind, let's return to the matter at hand. I worry that I'm stacking too much trust onto this person, and that it could end in the same way as that crush 4 years ago. He could get angry, and it could end up really hurting me. Now, I'm much stronger and more capable of dealing with emotional issues now, but I'm trying to be aware and smart in how I handle it all the same.

It's hard though to think objectively about someone who has this kind of primal power over me. Sometimes I just curl up on the floor and think about what will become of this. I'm on a first year exchange program, so I'll be leaving in May of next year. I know that I can't hope for him to think of me once I'm gone, and I know that he will never know how important he is to me. I can never discuss these issues with him obviously, so I know it will end up as just another loose end in my life.

I put my hope on that I will end up being friends with him, like many of the previous students here. It's an emotional mine-field though when it comes to dealing with him, and I wonder whether it's healthy for me even to want to get to know him. I wonder where that desire comes from, and it torments me.

I can't just stop feeling, though. There is some deep part of me that craves for him to accept me, and I just can't ignore that.

And that's where I stand.

He has been very nice to me and interested in my well-being since I got here, and the same goes for all of the other students. I say this just to make sure that you know that I'm not obsessing over someone who is abusive or apathetic. This is someone with whom I would be friends; a genuinely caring individual. I worry that I might be throwing the baby out with the bathwater so to speak if I let my doubts consume my relationship with him. I think it could be very helpful to come to terms with these questions, and be able to say that I'm still friends with him in the end.

It's also important to know that I'm actually very happy. I have problems to deal with like everyone else, but I enjoy my friends, my classes, my life here. I'm not swirling in depression, and I feel very confident about my own identity and ability to handle issues as they come. I have people that care about me around me, and can talk with some of them even about my most personal issues.

Sorry for the long read, but it helps me immensely simply to put all these things down into words, which I know others will be able to read.

If you have had a similar experience, or any advice, I would love to hear it!

I hope you have a wonderful day (*hug*)

 

I'm glad to hear that I'm not alone with these feelings - thank you for the advice!

You're right that it's very hard to take, but I know that what you're suggesting is the right thing to do. The more I think about it, the more clear it becomes.

We both have time and we'll both be alright. I wish you all the best