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social factors and the desire for certainty

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by enigma 25, Oct 5, 2014.

  1. enigma 25

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    I never REALLY seem to be 100 percent sure of my orientation and what might make sense for 6 months (or seems very close to making sense)sometimes gets flipped around a bit later on.The things that end up making me question (although these days I have tried to get myself to not think about it too much,you know blocking it out) seem to present themselves at certain times in certain ways.I do not care too much about exactly WHAT my orientation is at this stage of time (I used to),its more that I want to figure things out and whatever it may be,I will go from there.

    Okay back to things that make me question: social factors.I go through periods where I do not have all that much social contact so that can make things tricky I suppose.Thing is when I do happen to have social contact,the attraction seems to waver a bit according to which gender I spend more time with,in what setting and what personality traits the person involved happens to have.Most of the time I seem to be interested in men regarding sexual fantasies (hetero fantasies do not happen very often,but not always sure whether its incidental or not regarding frequency),but when social factors come into play it seems to be more reliant on personality.I do not really feel emotional attraction all that easily unless the guy is pretty much unusual (same with females).Thing is with women,I tend to find them more interesting but the sexual attraction usually does not come as easily as with males,tends to not happen most of the time,and is pretty much reliant on an emotional bond being formed.Its pretty clear to me that I feel more sexually attracted to guys most of the time though.


    Thing is,in general,I do not view sex as all that important these days.There are times when it does not seem important to me at all.It has not always been this way,I used to feel more sexual,but the more time passes the less interest there is.I suppose it could of course have to do with the fact that I have not had any type of sexual contact in quite awhile,but even then it was more of a temporary interest.I mostly feel more comfortable with just calling myself gay,although I am not all that sure if its accurate.It just seems that it would be easier to stick to guys since I probably feel more attracted to them most of the time.Then again,there have been times where I have shown interest in the opposite sex and then its the feeling of not knowing what to do about it due to lack of experience in romantic relationships,so I end up doing nothing about it.That could also have to do with the fact that it would make my dad happy if I had an opposite sex relationship and I do not want to give him the satisfaction of saying ''so you were not so gay all along''.I usually like grey areas in life,but regarding to who I end up with I tend to want it to be more black and white.


    I guess I should go with the flow and see where things lead,its a bit tricky to know how things will end up at this stage I suppose.Just wondering if anyone can relate or give me something to think about.Not really 100 percent comfortable with posting this,but its how I feel at the moment so will see if I get some response.Thanks.
     
  2. enigma 25

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    Just hate the idea of somehow " fitting in" if I happen to act on feelings that may or may not be incidental.I know it probably sounds silly,but I don't want to end up appearing ''normal'' at this point (kind of the opposite effect on my feelings from the past)so I try to brush off the feelings as nothing when they probably mean more than I want to admit.
     
  3. enigma 25

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    Aw **** it. I am being ridiculous.Seriously.

    I think I have just become so good at confusing myself on purpose that I take little things way too seriously and do not always know how realistic I am being.Probably just not feeling all that good so making an issue out of this needlessly.

    Just because I have had the occasional hetero fantasy (which is probably mainly because I went through a period of trying to force myself to have them when I was younger) and might have felt some emotional buzz (and the criteria for that usually has to be someone slightly unstable and attractive in the way that it is impossible for someone not to notice) does not mean it will lead to anything.The fact that I seem to be recognizing that the buzz does not happen all that frequently anymore feels threatening.It was probably a bit of a lifeline then since it gave me some weird small kind of hope of "living up".Fact is I am probably just becoming queer as the years go by (that type of thing tends to happen) and now I am starting to panick.Whoops.Just making things worse for myself.And all the people that did their thing by trying to convince me to fit into their little mold can think what they want.Its not going to change the situation.Yeah,it might be harder to find someone in the end but that does not mean it wont happen.And there are some decent guys out there,just have to find them.I came so close to accepting myself awhile ago and I am not about to mess all of that up now.I mean most people have moments of doubt,but looking at the bigger picture its pretty clear what is going on.Plus I am just making myself less appealing by making an issue out of a non issue anyway.

    For now its time to focus on things that actually make me happy and take things from there.