I've been questioning my orientation for over 7 months now... several months ago I determined I am most likely lesbian. I've come out to a few friends as "probably gay." I am having trouble shaking my doubts and fears of being wrong, however. I worry that I will come out to everyone and then later find I was confabulating and confusing my feelings. Or that it is some kind of "phase" that I'm cycling through and it will eventually pass. I have trouble reconciling the feelings I've had for men with my attraction toward women, though I know right now I am only interested in being involved physically with women, not men. And that though I've had romantic feelings for both in the past, I've never had any desire for a sexual relationship with a man. Sometimes I feel like a fraud, I tell myself I can't be gay, that's not me and I'm just playing a part. I recognize these thoughts are probably false, if I look at my feelings objectively I'm a woman attracted to women. But part of me still thinks it anyway. Can anyone relate to this? Is this some kind of "bargaining" or indication that I'm having trouble accepting things fully? How can I move past this? I've never been with a woman so I feel like that may be causing some of my doubt. But at the same time I can't exactly sleep with every man I meet to determine whether I want it or not, either, it just doesn't make any sense.
I can relate to your story. I was married for ten years, but I was attracted to women, so I thought I must be bi. I thought, am I just deluding myself? When I finally divorced, I was able to explore who I was, and now I don't question myself.
Thanks for sharing, DarkestDream. It helps to know I'm not alone in these thoughts. It's very confusing, and making me feel a bit crazy and at odds with myself. What were your feelings toward your husband? Were you attracted to him? And what was it that made you stop questioning yourself? Just being able to be with women?
Sorry if I seem a bit insensitive here, but I don't see what's wrong with later realizing that you're straight after coming out as gay. Questioning is a process, sometimes it's shorter, sometimes it's longer, but in the end all that matters is that you are happy with who you are. If you end up deciding that you're gay, that's great. If you end up deciding that you are something else, that's great too. It seems like you have a good support system. I would hope that if you decide that you're not a lesbian after you come out, people wouldn't ostracize you, but it's still good to have that support system anyway. No matter what you decide though, everyone at EC is behind you! (&&&)
I cared for him as my son's father. As far as being attracted to him, I had no feelings in that direction in spite of him being a very attractive man. I stopped questioning myself when I stopped worrying about what my family or society would think, and just let me be ME. I already knew that I was attracted to women, so when I stopped worrying about the opinions of others, I started feeling comfortable with myself.
ChameleonSoul- You're right, and my therapist has said pretty much the exact same thing when I shared these fears with her. Still it would be terribly embarrassing to go through all of this agony of questioning and coming out only to later rescind everything. I think people may have a hard time taking me seriously at that point even if they didn't abandon me, which I don't anticipate happening in the case of my friends. What's more worrying though is I wonder if I should be giving these thoughts credence or not. I guess if other gay people have felt this way it will give me some comfort to know they are normal doubts to have in this process, and not an indication that I am actually wrong about myself. Thanks for your support, and you're right I do have a good support system so I am very lucky there. DarkestDream- I am still having a very hard time letting go of my worries of what others will think of me, and being judged. It has helped that the friends I'm out to are supportive and accepting. It doesn't help that I know some family members will not be. But I guess this is the sort of thing that has to come from within rather than from other people. Did you just naturally start caring less about how others perceived you?
TBH...I started getting angry. Why were other people allowed to live their lives the way they wanted to, and I wasn't? My family lives life the way they want, and each member does what they want, without judgement, why couldn't I? So I got mad, and I took a chance. It wasn't without consequence, mind you..but nothing ever is, right?
I'd say it's quite normal to have these doubts and it's part of the accepting process. I had them too and still have them sometimes though they seem to come less often with time. I don't know if you watch athletics but before every run they show athletes' personal bests and season bests. Sometimes the athlete's PB is amazing but also many years old (it just shows how good athletes they once were) and you know their chance to win is close to zero because their SB is much much worse. What I did was that at first when labelling myself I decided to put more importance on how I felt at the moment and less on what my behaviour was in the past. It helped me to understand how strong my attraction towards women really is and to get more comfortable about myself. I'm sure of who I want to be with now and it happens to be a woman. I noticed that I look at men sometimes but when I do I just envy their muscles because I'd like to have more muscular build myself, or compare whose legs are more hairy:lol:, or check their clothes, things like that. The funny things is that even though I've been with my bf for almost 14 years I cannot call myself bi. And who cares that there's a theoretical chance that I'll end up with a man? I'm not going to live in the past or in the future, I'm living in the present and so gay it is. :icon_wink
Maybe you could give yourself a break... throughout life, its not that we have a fixed end result like a statue... its a process... so instead of working on finishing something, why not saying this is how I feel for now... I prefer women for now... and seeing where it takes you... It might be more fun, by the way, to be open in some way... Your inner feeling for right and wrong gives you safety... and life is a process, if we change a bit from time to time its easier than holding on to fixed images which do not fit ourselves any more...
DarkestDream- Huh, that is interesting and not what I would have expected, but it does make a lot of sense. I'm not a very angry person, but when I get angry it tends to turn inward. I'm still sort of stuck on the "I hate myself because I'm gay" stage and "Why do I have to feel this way?" Though occasionally I move forward a little to "Why should I have to feel so much shame for my feelings?" paris- Thanks, you make a lot of good points. If I look at myself now I feel like lesbian is the most appropriate label. I feel a little stuck "in between" which I think causes a lot of my hesitation too, I feel like if I were to use the Kinsey scale I'd be a 5, so "mostly gay" and "not quite bi." Feeling like I'm in a slightly amorphous area I think makes me a little insecure, and I try to remind myself that I choose what to call myself, no one else, and that "gay" or "lesbian" may carry a slightly different meaning from person to person. You're right I need to try to work on staying in the present in my mind. I can't know the future, and the past is already gone. jay777- Yeah, I've never been good with gray areas or "going with the flow," clearly it's something I need to work on if I'm ever going to feel ok with exploring my sexuality. You're right, this is a process, or a journey, not a destination as I've been thinking of it. It's hard for me to relax and "let it go" (cue music) and just let things happen. Perhaps I'll learn something even deeper from this journey, if I can start to figure out how to do that..
Most people have an inner feeling what is right or wrong. Often the mind gets in the way with what ifs. If those two can be balanced and you simply listen to those inner nudges, things should be fine...
I think the biggest thing here is for you to remember that there is no time constraint on figuring out who you are. I know it's frustrating and scary and that's okay, we're all here to help you with that. There are kids who know they're gay when they're five who come out to their parents when they're 6, then there are people like me. People who even though they were never attracted to guys don't get that first little inkling that they're gay until they're in their 20s and then deny it and fight it and hide it and process it and beat it to death for years of their adult life before they accept it and are comfortable with who they are. My point is, relax, breathe, and take your time. It's okay to be unsure. It sounds like you're pretty sure that you're gay, you're just having trouble accepting it. For a long time I told myself I was asexual because it was easier for me to accept. However it turns out, you'll get there, and we're all here to help you.
jay777- Thanks, that is good advice. I've just spent so long doing my best to ignore that little voice, so long arguing and repressing, it's hard to hear it anymore. I know the fact that I'm going through this at all means I am finally listening, though. RainbowSocks- I'm pretty much going through the exact same thing. I also thought I may be asexual. Never wanted a relationship, and even when I did eventually want it with a guy, and quite badly, I still had no sexual attraction to him. Had crushes on girls and stuffed them way, way down. I think I'm just having a hard time facing facts and accepting this as my reality. I know I have to take time, I just feel I am already on the older side to be finally figuring this out... I don't want to waste even more time. I just want to be able to move forward, but clearly part of me is screaming that it's terrified to do so. :icon_redf Some days, I feel, "I'm gay, so what?" Others, unfortunately, are like this.
Hi StormInside, This is funny because I just wrote a long post last night about not being able to get past my doubts and wanting advice on how to overcome them, and then I didn't post it...I do that all the time. Anyway, I will say that it boils down to three main doubts for me: 1. having no experience with women 2. not sure if I am recalling my past feelings for men accurately/maybe I just haven't met the right one and 3. feeling pressure to be certain about my orientation soon because I feel like the clock is ticking and I want to get out and date. Then, at the same time, there are days when I feel absolutely sure that I have zero interest in guys and I am definitely gay and all of those doubts seem absolutely ridiculous! I think what it really comes down to is that I have been uncertain for a while about this and really want to feel certain. But now that I am approaching certainty, sometimes I feel great and happy about it, and other times I worry that I am forcing an answer just because I want to be certain finally, and not because it is truly right. So for myself, I am going to try to do things to take the pressure off of myself, like meditate more and use some other relaxation techniques that I learned, and just try to find peace with being not quite there yet (which is something I have had a lot of experience with while healing from various health problems), because from past experience, me trying desperately to get something usually ends up with me being farther from it than before. Easier said than done, though!!!! Really, though, I don't have any advice on solving these doubts because I was just about to post wanting help with them! I just thought I would let you know I'm in the same boat.
Thanks for your post, freeapril. I could have written much of it myself! I have the same exact doubts, and that same feeling the pressure of that "ticking clock." It helps to know I'm not alone, though I'm sorry you're dealing with the same thing.
You might daydream a little bit... not excessively, but a bit... and see what that shows you... You might take it slow... lots of caressing and kissing and exploring... neck and behind the ears and thighs are a possibility you might show what you like... or ask her to do what she likes...
I been married 3 years and knew I was gay since I was kid now after 3 years of marriage its been tearing me down and I am finally ready to stop hiding who I am
