TL;DR I have the emotional and romantic attraction towards women, but for men it's almost as if I want to have a porno scene with them and use them for sexual release. LTR aren't a possibility because they'll end up leaving me before I do. What does this really mean? Thoughts?
I don't think that pornography has anything to do with that. In fact, your situation sounds similar to mine, albeit without the pornography theme... I hooked up with a girl awhile back, it was a two-night stand and it was 48 hours of hell for me. I didn't enjoy it. Maybe I was with the wrong girl, maybe I don't like girls, in reality I was trying to 'cure' myself of homosexual thoughts but it just made them more vivid. I wish I could help more than saying I kind of know where you're coming from, but to answer your question "has pornography changed you?" No, that's a common fantasy, I think, regardless of how much porn you watch or look at in magazines. People have been fantasizing about that kind of crap since we first gained sapience over the apes, I think.
Hm okay. In the past I've been sexually abused (groped) by two older guys, and so is that the reason why I have urges to grab people's private parts (as a fetish, porn-style type of thing. I doubt I'll ever do it. It's one of those fantasies that mess with my mind). Ever since the 2 sexual instances, I started to notice my attractions towards men and the "grabbing private parts" fetish have escalated. And I remember people introducing me to meatspin (the spinning dick lol), and that was my first introduction into the "gay" universe. Do any of the above have something to do with my overall confusion? I think at the time, puberty just started so I can say for sure that it was not a great start to puberty. But even before puberty, I remember having a crush on a girl in elementary. No attractions to males whatsoever. Weird, huh? I know being gay is the combination of sexual and romantic attraction, but I know for sure that I seek older men for sex. Guys my age don't turn me on whatsoever since I don't find it attractive at all. There was something that made me VERY interested in my ex-girlfriend though. I really liked her at the time and I was very close to asking her out, but as soon as we went out for a bit something wasn't right. Maybe because I was lazy, but I really don't know.
No, I don't think any of that has anything to do with pornography as much as it is personal issues. Though the part about how you're having been abused seems to have developed a groping fetish is disconcerting, I think maybe you should like... I don't know, talk to someone about that.
Yeah I thought about that, but honestly not much can be done at this point. It's changed my life regardless. Thanks for the advice though. Offtopic here, but how did you know that you were gay? Not just the sexual attraction aspect, but as a whole. How did it work for females?
When you say 'it's changed my life' do you mean pornography or the whole situation in general? Because I've watched a lot of porn and I never developed any sort of unhealthy fetishes or addictions. I'm not necessarily saying you have, but, I'm just throwing that out there. If you meant the whole situation in general, then yes, it's something that changed your life I'm sure. I had a social worker who acted towards me in a highly inappropriate manner (not sexually but physically abusive) and my parents never believed that she hit me. She's still free to practice, today. Well, I'm not a girl, so I can't exactly say how it works for girls due to their unique and (frankly far more intricate and better built) genetic makeup/DNA whatever but for me? Uh, I don't really know, I think it was the fact that I'd immediately strip down any and all GI Joes I had as a kid completely nude and make them wrestle, much to the chagrin of my grandparents, also I used to wear my Mom's clothes around the house when she wasn't there and that was frowned upon by some (not necessarily because of the cross dressing but because I'd go outside and play and get her 200 dollar dress covered in grass stains! :icon_mrgr) Also because my first crush as a kid was Bob Hoskins in the movies Who Framed Roger Rabbit and that Mario Brothers movie. That's a very long, complicated answer that doesn't have much to do with your question but I hope it helps a little.
