So, I've been doing some research into asexuality and I think that I might be a homoromantic asexual. Looking at my relationship history and how I've felt about sex, it really seems to fit... 1. I've never initiated sex and if my partner never initiated it, it never happened. 2. Most of the time, I'd rather do other things with my loved one rather than sex(such as cuddling, kissing, holding hands). 3. I've never found people 'hot' or gotten 'butterflies' from being around someone. 4. When I masturbate, I don't fantasize about anything, I just enjoy the sensations. Same with sex...I can't look at the person I'm having sex with because it makes me think too much about the act and then my brain goes off on a rabbit chase, making me lose any enjoyment I'd get from it. 5. I don't get turned on by porn or erotic pictures because I usually get distracted by their apparel, location, or storyline 6. I think nothing of going 6 months or more without sex and dislike having sex more than once or twice a week, if that 7. I often feel as though it's my 'duty' to have sex with my partner or just 'what people do' in a relationship rather than actively seeking it out. 8. I've never fantasized about sex with anyone, including people I'm in a relationship with. What do you guys think? I mean, I'm pretty sure I am, but it's very hard to know what sexual attraction is and whether or not I feel it.... But, if I'm right, is there any advice someone could give me about being asexual, and particularly a homoromantic asexual? I'd love to hear some insight!
I have the habit of going for the posts which have least answers, and yours had none. I understand why now! It is hard to answer you, and I realise that being bisexual, I'm not the better-placed person to give you a satifactory answer. However it does sound like you are homoromantic asexual! I'd say just go with the flow, don't try to label your (a)sexuality too much. Find a lady who is like you and you'll be perfectly happy
I totaly agree on the fact that it's difficult to know what sexual attraction is! it just intensifies the doubt! But people seem to experience it pretty easily and regularly, so I just go by that; people find other people hot, and can get sexually aroused by some. I don't. Never. So I believe I'm asexual (and maybe even aromantic :'(). But maybe not a 100%, cause I do believe psychological factors can have impact on that too (in my case anyway), so I may not identify myself as one. Nothing seems to go into contradiction with your theory, so I'd say you are. ^^ P.S. sorry I'm tired and I feel like this message is really badly written aha but whatever, it should be understandable (ok even "understanble" sounds weird here) ---------- Post added 11th Oct 2014 at 10:35 PM ---------- Yeah I agree with Sheena ^^ But here in France any other labels than "lesbian", "gay" and "bi" aren't very common or known, so I personally feel like I'll never meet anyone like me aha might be the same for other people in other countries (?). Didn't even realize there were so much asexuals before coming here ---------- Post added 11th Oct 2014 at 10:38 PM ---------- (Oooh Sheena's french, cool! )
Hello! If you don't know what sexual attraction feels like, you most likely haven't felt it. Welcome to the club! *Hands you some cake* By what you describe above, it most certainly seems like you're asexual. ---------- Post added 11th Oct 2014 at 10:58 PM ---------- On the subject of finding other aces. AVEN has people in lots of countries. You should check there, I believe there are lots in Europe, I have an ace pen pal there . Stats show that one out of every 100 people are ace, so it is possible to find another. I found out that 4 of my friends are actually ace/demi yesterday.
Thanks for the responses everyone! @Sheena, thanks for the advice! Honestly, I'm not too worried about the label at this point, I'm just exploring what it would mean if I am. @Keane, the only thing that I can think sexual attraction might be is that during puberty, I would get this funny feeling in my stomach whenever I read Yu Yu Hakusho fanfiction? I would get warm, and then my stomach would kind of quiver. But, honestly, I haven't ever felt that way about a person and haven't felt it in general since puberty However, I also have psychological factors that make me somewhat leery of considering myself asexual. That said, it feels like a huge relief to know that I can have a relationship without, or with infrequent, sex if I want to. @theflyingelf, thanks for the cake! I'll definitely check out AVEN!
Oh thanks theflyingelf!! Wow that's more than I thought! but still not much...I always have to be in the minority of society don't I..... And that's cool aha! But just a question, aren't you guys embarrassed? I can't even imagine myself telling people xp they just wouldn't understand! And I do understand that, cause I'm the one not understanding people complaining for not having had sex in like a month and all most of the time aha..
Yesterday my GSA celebrated national coming out day, and I ran the table almost all day. We included a lot of the flags, and everyone asked us about ones they didn't know. They were all very understanding about all of the sexualities, and once they understood that your body does not equal your gender, they understood (mostly). People asked me what my sexuality was, and if they didn't know what asexuality was, I told them. They were all like, 'Oh! Okay'. Or 'I get it!'. And a lot of them were younger 9th grade freshmen (younger teenage people tend to be less accepting I find, so this surprised me) All of my friends were completely understanding of it, and some of my friends are veeeeery sexual cis boys. Only one of my friends doesn't believe me, as she still thinks that I'm not queer (because I like guys romantically, but rarely), and I'm just slow to admit that guys are cute. I tried explaining to her that, in my one and only past relationship, I didn't even want to kiss my ex, just cuddle him and talk to him and be with him forever, and that I didn't find him attractive (or anyone). I always knew my ex wasn't 'conventionally attractive', but I loved him and I think looks don't matter. That whole relationship experience helped me realize I was ace. Obviously it didn't help my friend realize I'm not straight. I'm tempted to say, what, I'm not queer enough? According to straight people* I'm not straight enough, and I'm not queer enough, so where does that land me. *yes, not all straight people... Sorry that turned into a rant. Lots of people understood! (We also told them about being aromantic, and they understood that just as well). There's always going to be those few people in life that are going to be jerks, but that comes with everything. Don't let it embarrass you
I'm not really embarrassed, I don't think. I just started to examine my relationships and realized sex was the giant elephant in the room. I mean, I've always felt kind of ashamed in my relationships. They always wanted sex and I just...didn't care. I didn't see why it was a 'cornerstone' of a relationship. At first, it was just a way of release, a pleasurable sensation, but I never felt any more connected to the act or the person because of it. It was just like masturbation, pretty cool but not something that had anything to do with who I was with. But then, they would want it more often, or just as frequently, and the idea of sex began to feel vaguely uncomfortable and I'd get really depressed after a while because I didn't want sex but felt like I couldn't say no. I didn't feel connected to them in a way that mattered through the act of sex and felt horribly alone during sexual encounters. I would try to be intimate in my relationships by trying to cuddle or kiss or touch a part of their body I thought was especially beautiful(for one of my partners, this was their rhomboids, another it was their stomach) but they'd immediately think it was something sexual, when it wasn't... I haven't told anyone(aside from here) that I'm asexual, but I suppose I'll have to eventually. Honestly though, I think I'd be more scared of being rejected by someone I care about than embarrassed about being asexual. It seems like honesty is the best policy with this type of thing. Sorry for the long post!
I'm going to post a contrary, and somewhat unpopular, alternative viewpoint. It also happens to be a viewpoint shared by the majority of mental health professionals who work day to day with clients presenting with these sorts of symptoms. There are an awful lot of people who don't feel "butterflies" or strong attractions, and this has nothing to do with being asexual, and everything to do with not having deep, fluent access to their emotions. Additionally, there is very little, if any, credible research supporting the idea of a separation of romantic and sexual orientations, though this hasn't stopped a small group of people from essentially creating a consensus-based reality that isn't grounded in any actual credible clinical experience or research. In fact, there are far, far, far more people who numb emotions, statistically, than people who are genuinely asexual, as asexuality occurs in substantially less than 1% of the population. This doesn't mean there aren't people who are genuinely asexual, but it does mean that the incidence is rare. So the old saying... when you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras, applies. If you are the type who doesn't have open access to emotions (you rarely show anger, and/or don't often cry), or emotions are challenging for you, it's far more likely that it is the numbing of emotions that's causing you not to be able to feel the normal butterflies and other positive feelings associated with love. If that's the case... it is a very solvable problem. For my money, it's much better to consider first the possibilty you have something you can change, so you can experience the full range of love and emotion... than to assume it's something hardwired that you're stuck with.
Thank you for the input, Chip! This is a good point, and one that I've also been considering since I do have severe emotional and physical trauma in my past. And a few years ago, I would have probably said this was the case. There's just one problem with that diagnosis--I DO feel emotions associated with love. I get giddy when a crush of mine calls, I feel happy when I get to spend time with someone I like, and I'm walking on cloud 9 if they hold my hand or snuggle against me. I just never have any desire or initiative to have sex with them--I never see them in that way. I completely agree with you on the whole 'think horses, not zebras' thing. Considering my past, it's entirely possible that my reluctance to engage in sexual activities and my association of other activities with intimacy is caused by trauma, rather than true asexuality. However, it feels like a huge relief to know that there's a chance of never engaging in sex with someone I'm dating. It gives me hope that there's a relationship that will be fulfilling for me, instead of knowing that sex is something I'll have to consistently cave in on for the pleasure of my partner. So, for lack of a better label(or because the only other label I know of that fits this description is 'damaged') and due to the similarities between the two possible conditions, I feel as though true asexuals wouldn't mind my adopting the label to describe my expectations and hopes in a relationship, even if the reason behind it does turn out to be psychological.
1% of the population is still a LARGE number when you take in account of how many people exist. Think about it; at least 5% of the population is LGBT, and look at how many people are on this site, or to which you meet in your every day life. Asexuality is about not being attracted (sexually) to both genders. There's a huge difference between someone who will admit a guy is hot but hates sex/thinks It's gross (repressed sexual) and someone who simply doesn't feel attraction to people (asexuals). Many asexuals are sex-positive. Basically, in other words, you sound ace to me.
There are aces that have had their sexuality caused by psychological factors, and still call themselves ace. The definition of asexual is the lack of sexual attraction. Not, the lack of sexual attraction only if it wasn't caused by outside factors. Most aces are perfectly okay with other aces calling themselves ace
@fallingdown7, thanks I don't believe it's repressed sexual attraction, but just that I don't feel sexual attraction...I'm sex-positive, I just don't believe that it will be a factor in my relationships, much the same way that baseball wouldn't be a factor in my relationships if my partner enjoyed baseball and I watched it with them occasionally if that makes any sense lol @Quem, thank you for the response! @theflyingelf, That was what I thought, based on the definition of asexuality, but it's great to have it confirmed! Honestly, I've felt so much better about myself since I realized I'm probably asexual. It feels like I can breathe around people now without worrying about whether what I say or do is going to be taken in a sexual way when I didn't mean or want for it to.
