So not only am I unsure of my sexuality, I am really uncomfortable with it. I posted in the general advice forum but this seems more appropriate for this forum. I'm really uncomfortable with being gay. Every time I think of a time I may have come across as gay to someone I know irl it just makes me sick. I usually say fuck you or kill yourself to myself and cover my face it makes me so upset. My parents are ultra liberal and support gay events and have really close gay friends and even told me that if I was gay that they would be totally supportive. I told them I go to gay chat rooms and that my best friend on the internet was MTF. I just don't want to fucking act like i actually like guys around anyone I know afk. The ones who I have acted like that around I just want to avoid and never see again. I just don't feel comfortable at all expressing any interest in guys. I did once on facebook and now I feel too embarrassed to even talk to anyone who knows me. I wish that I could just disappear into a different state and live a live independent of anyone who knows me. I don't feel comfortable with my sexuality and I hate it so much when I am talking in a gay chat room and say something about guys and I hear someone outside my door walking by. It makes me so uncomfortable and I hate it. I'm not even sure if I'm gay. I hang out at /lgbt/ on 4chan every day and go to the /hm/ picture board and have over 500 pictures of cute guys on my computer and go to gay chat rooms and only add gay people from gay communities on steam. If I really was gay then I would be comfortable and feel secure doing all these things. However I hate myself for it which makes me feel like a fraud. Most gay guys like all those board mode ultra masculine looking guys and shit and I think they look disgusting. So I dunno. I'm probably just a really stupid self hating 2 on the kinsley scale.
Hey Let me introduce you to something you might have not considered. You need to come out to yourself Let me tell you about something many gay/bi/trans* people face : not being okay with themselves once they realise they're something else than cisgender and straight. If you want an example, look for Hannah Hart's (she is a vlogger, she does My Drunk Kitchen) video in which she talks about being lesbian. She says she was very disppointed in herself when she realised she was lesbian. Now she got past it, and fully accepts her homosexuality. My best friend also used to force himself to say he was bi because he had not accepted he was gay. Now he got past it, and fully accepts his homosexuality. I don't think you should even question your own homosexuality. You are attracted to guys and have even told your closest friends that you are gay. You just wish you weren't. "If I really was gay then I would be comfortable and feel secure doing all these things." ==> Let me correct this : if you were gay and ok with it, you'd feel comfortable about looking at handsome men. You wish you weren't so bad that you are denying it. It seems like a part of you is performing self-homophobia, to a certain extent. I can understand how you feel, but I'd suggest you just relax - easier said than done, I'll give you that. I don't know how you can get past it, but you will. Look, there's nothing you can do about it - you're gay. I know it sounds like a brutal truth, but it's just something you need to accept. But guess what? There's nothign wrong with being gay. Everyone would accept you. Perhaps you should try to have boyfriend? (I know, it's going to be hard, since you do not like the idea of being confronted to homosexuality in real life.) If you explain your situation and he is understanding, I'm sure you'd finally come to terms with the fact you're gay feeling happy and comfortable in his arms. ^^ I'm sorry I'm useless. There's nothing I can say apart that you'll get over it. I just don't want to fucking act like i actually like guys around anyone I know afk ===> I can find two problems in this sentence. Well, a problem, and a solution. act like i actually like guys : This shows that you haven't accepted yourself. You don't "act like". You haven't come to terms with the fact you're gay. Relax. You're not "acting like" when you speak of liking guys. You're just being yourself. There's nothing wrong with this at all. Try to convince youself of that! around anyone I know afk : but what if you went to a place where you don't know anyone? Like, moving out, or going to an LGBT event where you don't know anyone and just introducing yourself as gay (I know it would be hard, but you should try to force youself). You wouldn't know these people beforehand. And perhaps they would make you feel more accepted In my opinion you need to convince yourself there's nothing wrong with it. Probably a boyfrined could halp you accept yourself, but don't gget in a relationship with someone you don't love or it will be uneffective. Here is what I think. I hope it helped. In any case, good luck. Don't hesitate to post something again if you need to. (*hug*) Sheena.
Hey there. I think Sheena gave a lot of good advice, but here's my take.. I don't know you or your situation, so I'm only going on what you said in your post, but from what I gather: you really, really, REALLY don't want to be gay. I think deep down inside you know that are.. which is why you add gay people to your online accounts, hang out in gay chatrooms, etc.. but in terms of anything away from the computer there's a total disconnect. For a lot of people the computer provides a mask/protection.. so you can be whoever you want to be (or simply are) without actually confronting it "irl". It's almost like being two different people. Now I could be way off, but that's just what I see from personal experience. Before I could ever really accept myself as gay, I did the same things.. chatted online, looked at gay porn, etc, but while I was doing all of that I could never really acknowledge it outside of that bubble.. or even to myself. I hated the idea of being gay and denied it completely, even though deep down inside I knew. It wasn't until I really came to accept the fact, and realized that there was nothing wrong with being ay, that I could just be happy with myself and my sexuality. That said, I'm 30 years old. I couldn't even accept myself until just a few years ago. Why it took that long, I don't know.. but I guess fear was the motivating factor. My only suggestion would be to simply learn how to accept yourself. I know that's easier said than done.. but you have to. Sometimes therapy can also help (and there's nothing wrong with that, either).
have you considered that perhaps you are not gay? If you are that grossed out by the idea then maybe you're trying to force yourself into a box that just isn't for you. I mean, you could be bi or pansexual or something else entirely. The only way to truly know what and who you are is to explore yourself. What I mean by that is find what makes you feel GOOD about yourself and about others. Take it slow, maybe you need to grow into being comfortable with your sexual orientation. It really sounds like you're stressing over something that you don't have a firm grasp on at the moment. Personally, based on what you've written, I think you are deeply in the closet as far as accepting yourself. It doesn't matter how accepting or supportive your friends/family are if you can't accept yourself. Analyze your emotions and your thoughts rather than trying to MAKE them mean a certain thing. ...I hope all that made sense. . Just try to relax and find out what you enjoy rather than hating yourself for things that aren't wrong.
I consider that I'm not gay all the time. That's what I constantly say to myself. I don't see pansexual as real, because I don't see transgender as a third gender (although I like transgender people). I certainly don't have a firm grasp on my sexuality. I don't know what to do about it and I feel confused about it all the time. The last thing I want is to get into a situation where I'm with a gay guy and it gets intimate and I discover that I'm not actually into guys. I love exploring all the possibilities in my mind and I'm definitely not afraid of being gay. I'm just afraid that I'm a very very curious straight guy who's going to get in over my head. It's not that I wish I wasn't. It's that I am just not sure. I want to join the gay/straight alliance at my school but I am very uncomfortable with trying to do that. First of all I would have to tell my parents. The thing that makes me most uncomfortable with the prospect of being gay is that I don't feel secure about it. So I don't want to put it into people's heads that I'm that way when I don't even want to be looked at like that in the first place. Maybe internalized homophobia isn't the right word. I never thought of myself as homophobic in the slightest sense. So it wouldn't make sense that I feel that way towards myself. Well. I'm just not sure. It's probably because I am so introverted I spend every day in my house. I spent the last two years basically in my bedroom taking two years off of school. In that time I didn't grow as a person and I basically stayed in my room for weeks, months, never going out and doing anything. So your guess at my orientation is as good as mine.
Then it sounds like you're not going to figure anything if you stay where you are. Why don't you try attending some gay alliance meetings at the local college or something like that to see if you eventually find a way to get comfortable with it? The fact that you're so introverted is definitely not doing you any favors.
