The first time I told someone I might be into women as well as men was in high school, over 10 years ago. My first kiss was actually with another girl a few years before that, in 5th or 6th grade, when a friend asked me to pretend to be the guy she liked so she could "practice." I didn't kiss a woman again until a year ago, when I was 25. In the intervening years when most women my age were experimenting with their sexuality, I shoved my attraction to women down the memory hole, and was far more interested in crushing on (and occasionally dating) men. Toward the end of that time I took two years off dating entirely after a man I was in love with died from a sudden illness. In the last year and a half I've been taking baby steps to understand my sexuality more fully. I'm allowing myself to be more open about what I'm feeling with close friends, many of whom are queer themselves. I definitely have been finding women physically attractive. I've been doing some online dating, and have dated and/or made out with three women. But I haven't yet been with any woman I've felt more than lukewarm about and I haven't had sex with any women. In the meantime, I briefly dated a guy who I slept with on the second date. This making me wonder if I might actually not be queer, or if I've got some latent shame that I've got to work through by just going for it even if I'm not totally sure I'm into the person, or if it's just a matter of not having found the right woman yet. After all, it took me 5 years after I started dating men to have sex with one... There's a woman I currently have a crush on, but can't approach for another month or two until I'm no longer in a position of quasi-authority over her (we're the same age and pursuing the same academic degree, but I'm a TA for a class she's currently taking). Again, I'm wondering if I like her because I have that excuse to avoid actually doing anything about my feelings, and can continue being queer in theory only. I live in a very accepting part of the country and move in supportive and liberal social circles with lots of other queer people, so I don't hide my interest in women from anyone here, though I also don't exactly advertise it. I am not out to my family (who live in a different state), and only out to a very select group of high school and college friends. I don't want to fully come out until I know that I am, in fact, interested in romantic and sexual relationships with women. How do I take the next step?
Hi ApplePear! Your story sounds pretty similar to mine, in the overall arch, if not the details. As a kid, my first "proto-sexual fantasies" were actually about females, and my childhood best friend "played pretend" with me in a way that I now know was a hell of a lot like roll playing. But... that was waaaaay back in early elementary school, and growing up in a conservative Midwestern community, I was only ever told that I should be into guys, so I never really gave being into women much thought. Fast forwarding, I dated guys, was in a serious relationship with one, and saw it come crashing down, resulting in my being in an emotional black hole for a while. But even before that happened, as well as afterwards, I'd been in the process of reevaluating what I really wanted. What I really liked... Recently, I've started to realize that oh hey, maybe I am in to women more than I thought... But I live in a rather male-dominated social sphere with limited networking opportunities, so I never really get much female interaction to begin with, period. But... I WANT TO KNOW. I want... experience? I want to know whether my queerness extends beyond my head into the real world. But I just... don't know how to do that. So, no answers here, sorry. But I did want to say that I relate to the dilemma and the confusion and all that. I don't have any answers for you, but I do have sympathy! You're not alone, at least, in this struggle.
