I'm so sorry, this became an extremely long post, and I mean Extremely long post, so please . . . you don't have to read it since it is possibly nonsensical to you, but I felt it wrong to leave too much out and end up with everyone thinking badly of me in some odd way or in a way that ended up confusing me more. So please, I don't want to waste your time by having you think that you should read it, because I honestly don't think that time should be wasted on this crazy thing anyways . . . . I just had to do this for a brief time of relief for me. For the past year or two now I have been under a lot of stressful thought, enough that it got to the point I wouldn't go to school (College) and taking a year off to try and see if I can collect my thoughts together. Sadly, my father, who I currently live with, is clueless to why I actually decided to take a break. He thinks that I'm just being lazy. My mother is a bit crazy too, so she is out of the picture now for the most part. My dad doesn't know about my confusion at all and I'd rather keep it that way, since he isn't very approving of such things. I honestly have no clue what my sexual orientation is and my thoughts seem to flip in between me being bi, gay, and then straight. There also is the other mess of my gender identity, but I don't know if that would be alright to discuss because it can make this a total mess. I think the biggest problem is I've grown up most of my life thinking it would be social suicide if I ended up being gay. Couple that with my step-dad always teasing me about being "Gay" even though he didn't actually think it, my closest friends always joking about homosexuality, and everyone else around me doing so as well. Which ended up with me never daring to even think about if I was gay or not. The curious thing was that I was interested in girls, but I think it was simply from social teachings telling me "That you must like girls if you're a boy.", again, not wanting to become a social reject like I was early in grade school, I never even let myself think I could be otherwise anything else. Even though I was interested in girls, I don't think I ever truly was romantically interested in them, just that I had convinced myself that I was. I think I've confused romantic interest with plain interest, because everyone told me that it was that I liked girls. Sure at times I thought about girls intimately, but I was going through puberty at the time, so it's all hard to read what was really going on. It was too hard for me to think about because I was so young, naive, and was biased from social pressures. As time went on, I would occasionally get the random thought "What if I was romantically interested in that guy or that friend?", but I would quickly tell myself "No, stop thinking about it, don't do it. If I think like that I will be a social outcast." Sometimes the thought would come out of no where with the guy right there that I would refuse to look at them till the thoughts passed. The worse part is my step-dad, friends, and people around me never stopped making fun of homosexuality. So I wouldn't let myself think about it through everyone around me reinforcing that idea to never think about it. So I continued telling myself that I was unquestionably straight and, what makes me sick now thinking that I ever could do that, I would even join in disgust over homosexuality just so I would fit in a bit more. I did date a few girls, but the same thing happened every time, even with girls I ended up never dating. I have always been shy and quick to hide my emotions around those I don't know, so I thought that when I saw a girl and my shyness kicked in like it did with everyone, even family that I hadn't talked to in awhile and even family I do talk to, it meant that I liked them. Though, when I did the same with guys, I never let myself think anything of it. I think it was because when I had become a social reject when I was very young at another school, the people who had made me such were all guys and even my "Friends" were too, so I wouldn't allow myself to think about it because I thought it to be a risk to repeating the past. Anyways, the first couple girls I dated I just stayed shy, always telling myself it was because I liked them, even though it was more than likely it was because I never got to really know them to open up and loosen up a bit. So, with help from friends with those few girls I did end up dating, I would get with them, do the whole "We don't really know if we like each other, but let's be all lovey dovey to each other for a couple weeks because that's what society told us is how it works." stage, I would become not interested in them anymore since I had gotten to know them a bit and the shyness went away. Then I would stop talking to them, they would approach me that I had began ignoring them, they would try to push something, I would get ignore them even more because then I was really not interested and we would just naturally go our own ways. This happened with every girl I would get to know afterwards, even though I wouldn't ever end up dating them. I start out shy and think that means I liked them, become friends with them and allowing me to drop my shyness with them, find out I'm not interested in them and was just fooling myself, and then just randomly stop talking to them. Once I had graduated high school I was freed from all that social pressure. I had become a logical thinking person, enrolled in college, went for a week, got confused about my whole mess of a life, started to question who I actually was, couldn't even think about continuing college as this possible character I had fooled myself into believing I was, dropped out of college, and spent a little over a year completely confused over the endless conflicting thoughts. Which ends up with me right now. I'm going to be enrolled back for college for Janurary, having decided that I had fooled myself into believing I had actually wanted to do what I told myself I wanted to do, but still unable to sort out who I am romantically, socially, and sexually. I've noticed that I have been picking up a lot of details about guys I find "Handsome", but past thoughts tell me that I can't be because I told myself over and over earlier in life that I couldn't ever be. So my day consists of me either deciding I'm gay/bi/straight, changing to bi/gay/straight, then going to straight/bi/gay, and ending with me saying "I don't know because everything conflicts with each other" and going to bed just to restart the process again the next day. I know I still have time to figure these things out because I'm still young (19), but I don't know how long I can continue with these constantly flip flopping thoughts without ending up going completely insane. Throw in the gender identity thing in with it all and it overloads at times. I have no one to talk to about this and no one to ask for advice either. So all this just ends up staying bottled up inside my mind for me to inevitably crack down the line and just completely shatter. So, I'm sorry if this was long and wasted your time with all of this, but I had to at least get it out there for the day so I could think like normal people before I begin the crazy mess begins again tomorrow.
Camira, This was a very thoughtful post. So many of us go through similar confusing times. You do not mention if you are attending college locally or away from your home town. Either way, College can be a great place to explore your own identity and determine whom you are. If you are away from home, you should have no concerns about what others from your earlier days say or think. And even if you are at college close to home, school is such a big place that you should be able to find your own space. Maybe you should consider trying meeting some guys. College is a great place to do so. There are LGBT clubs, activities, bars to explore. See how you feel with them, compare that with how you were with girls. Take your time, there is no rush. By reaching out on EC, you have down the right think to seek advice and have begun a journey, continue on the journey. There is a lot to learn about yourself and now is the time to do it. I ignored my initial feelings and lived another persons life for 20 years. On retrospect, it would have been nice if I were true to myself back when I was in University. At least now, I am open and comfortable with my own skin. And very happy as a result.
You mentioned that you're unsure of your gender, and your profile says "Questioning" ... I found that once I confronted my gender issues, my sexuality was easier to accept. I know that they are two seperate issues, but I found that for me they went together in my search for myself. It's helped me a lot just to read the different threads here on EC, to see the wide range of gender/sexuality/fluidity. It's helped me become less confused, just because I can see that I'm not alone out there. What I've taken away from it all is that I don't have to settle on one particular label right away, that it's OK to explore things, it's still possible to change your mind. When I was in college, I was so afraid that one lesbian encounter would brand me as lesbian forever that I never even tried. I regret now that I didn't have the courage to experiment back then, before I got married and had kids.
