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Confused - had sex with best friend, want more..

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Kensington, Oct 13, 2014.

  1. Kensington

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    Hello, everyone. I'm new here, so hopefully I am posting in the right forum :slight_smile:My story is not very original, you all have probably heard it before. But for me it's the end of the world - literary.. Ok, short version - I have a really good friend, we know each other for more than 10 years. 4 years ago we first slept together..I was already married to a man at that time and was sure of my orientation. She also was in long-term relationships.
    That night she came on to me. I was shocked at first, but something felt weirdly right about that. The next morning we had a talk and decided that we have to stop drinking :wink:
    However after that one time we had sex again and again.. Not often, maybe twice a year, but it kept happening. She told me she can not explain why she feels attracted to me, because she does not feel this for other girls. I am not sure she is telling the truth, but there is no way I can check it, so I have to believe her.
    This last summer we had sex again twice in one week, so it kind of put all our situation to another level and we both felt we have to stop pretending and finally deal with it. How I see it - I would love to keep our relationships on friends with benefits level, but she does not want that. She wants to stop it, because she feels unsure and does not want to loose me as friend. At the same time she says she loves me and wants me, and I see how she looks at me.. It drives me crazy. I dont know what to do, because she is more than a friend to me.
     
  2. Emotional love

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    it all sounds quite confused! She wants one thing, you want another. Just tread carefully and sensitively as you don't want to lose each other's friendship. Have a real good chat together, thrash it out and if need be set ground rules.
     
  3. Sek

    Sek
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    The best way to unwrap what it is you're feeling for each other would be to talk it out openly and honestly. I can't emphasise enough how much communication can be the best solution to unclarity. You should talk it out and explain how you both feel about each other openly and honestly. Only when you can understand how each other feels can you work out the best route to go from there.

    Just be careful about how you keep this relationship. You mentioned having a husband, so if you're still married or in a relationship, your partner might consider it cheating despite it being with another gender or a "friends with benefit" agreement.
     
  4. Kensington

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    I agree, talking it out would be the best we both could do, BUT she does not want to talk about it unless she is drunk. I dont believe in drunk conversations, so there is no way for me to find out what she thinks. Every time I try to talk about it, she changes the subject. I know she is into me, but I dont know what she wants. I suspect she is afraid of what she feels, because it does not fit intonher idea of how she should live her life. I understand that. I also think she does not want to get hurt. So maybe I should leave her alone and just be her friend.. I dont know what to do, honestly.
    As for the cheating part - I still have a husband, but our relationship is far from what I need emotionally. I have told him about this situation and he thinks its sexy.. Well, that is soooo not how I see it. I guess I am more emotionally attached to her than I would like to admitt.
     
  5. Kensington

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    Help- I am seeing her tonight, dont know how to act!!!!!!!!!! I am tired of all this pretending, should I just tell her I want her?! Or should I respect her wish to keep pretending we are just friends?
     
  6. FireSmoke

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    What I suggest you is to telling her all you want. Maybe you will lose her as a friend but at least you will be free, trust me.
     
  7. RainbowSocks

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    What do you want Kinsington? She isn't the only one in the relationship.

    First thing I would say is to stop having sex with her until you talk. If she comes on to you tell her you're not sleeping with her until you talk about what's going on...sober. I can tell that you want her, but I think you need to know what's going on more than you need to have sex.

    You said you'd be okay with friends with benefits, but do you want more than that? If you're emotionally attached to her then the FWB situation is only going to last so long before you completely fall for her and if she doesn't feel the same, you'll get your heart broken.

    Do you want to be just friends? CAN you be just friends? Can you be with her platonically and NOT sleep with her again? If that's all she wants, can you live with that? If this is what the two of you decide on, you need to stick with it. Its easy to say "we're not having sex again," it's harder to actually not do it. And if you fall back into it, you're going to be back exactly where you are now, not knowing what's going on.

    Look at it from her point of view. You're married. She knows you're taken. There is no future there except for friendship and an occasional roll in the hay. What if she wants more? How much are you willing to give her?

    These are all questions you have to answer for yourself. And whether she wants to or not, you need to have this conversation. Keep in mind, that she's probably scared and confused too, especially if this is something that she doesn't even want to admit to herself. You need to go into this conversation knowing what you want and knowing what you're willing to settle for.
     
  8. bi2me

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    I think you should probably try to talk to her before you guys start drinking or get into bed. She can't be the only person to decide what happens in your relationship, and if your husband is ok with it, there isn't a reason on that front for you not to engage in the relationship.

    My situation is a little different, in that my husband would def not be ok if I act on my bff attraction.

    We've decided to spend more time talking to each other and rebuild our long-neglected friendship, but we both know 1) we can't be together and 2) we aren't really compatible if we tried. Can't say I'd mind the fwb, but I don't think it's in the cards for us.
     
  9. Kensington

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    Thank you all for your very valuable opinions! We had a little conversation and I told her how I feel - that She is more than just a friend, that I would like to be able to touch her and be close to her, and all that stuff. I tried to be as honest as I possibly can in a situation like this. She said she wants us to be just friends, because she does not believe in friends with benefits. She wants all or nothing.. I can not give her all, so nothing it is..
    So bottom line is - we are staying friends, because I can not offer her what she wants and she is not ready to be fwb.
    That all would be great, of course, if I would not be sure next time she will have that one extra glass of wine, she will forget all this and will try to sleep with me again. I can even predict her moves.. However I have decided I will never have sex with her again, no matter what. It will be hard, because I really like her and the sex is amazing, but I think I need to free myself from this. Let's hope I'll have enough willpower.
     
    #9 Kensington, Oct 14, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2014