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I think she likes me but I want the D

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by weegee, Oct 14, 2014.

  1. weegee

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    Here comes my life story:
    So, I'm in my final year of school (OMG) and the coming weeks leading up to final exams could not be more stressful. I've been struggling to fit into my own skin all throughout high school and seeing everyone else feel comfortable with who they are makes me even more desperate to find myself. I have never been in a relationship, never kissed anyone on the lips (except for my grandmother one time accidentally), never so much told anyone who I 'like' mostly because I don't really understand what it's like to fall in love.
    I had some epiphany a few years ago that I actaully have been 'looking' at boys for a long time :wink: I am male btw. What confuses me is that I can't imagine kissing a boy, but the idea of seeing a girl naked is a turn off... Although I don't look out for the usual things like the butt or other physical characteristics... I usually focus on facial aesthetics and people's personalities.
    I haven't told anyone how I feel, not even my closest friends. I just moved schools last year (2013) so I kinda feel like the outsider a lot, but that's been happening less frequently now.
    Okay so here's the deal. There was this girl last year who I started a really strong friendship with (she's still a really good friend today) and I actually thought that I liked her. We would message each other all night and we were in almost all of our classes together. But then I found out she had a boyfriend and I felt betrayed and was extremely distrustful of her because she never told me about him (he went to a different school down the road). I got jealous, she had relationship problems and kinda asked me and another guy for help, but I'm not really an expert in that field, so I felt left out when they would spend all maths class talking about it. Anyways, she dumped him and about an hour later she had a new boyfriend. Me. JUST KIDDING xD
    T'was another guy in our year level whom she apparently had her sights on all of the year before I arrived? They've had a bit of relationship troubles this year and I'm kind of glad that I didn't start anything with her. And I realise now that she probably never was nor will be attarcted to me (although she is very clingy).
    Next up, girl number two: her best friend recently broke up with her boyfriend (more troubles) and the friendship group has been a little tense the past few months. I've drifted away from most of my guy friends and have been hanging out with mostly girls at lunch (they're really nice and the guys don't really talk to me anymore...) But this one girl in the group (the one who just broke up) has been literally down in the dumps sulking and having a really hard time getting over him. I feel like she's really vulnerable and desperate... like we all are with exams exactly two weeks away!
    She's been hanging around me a lot more recently, as I've noticed. And when ever she can she laughs at my jokes and trys to touch me (to poke my arm or sits really close to me at lunch - our group sits on the floor outside) and last night we had a graduation dinner and it dawned on me that she has a crush on me, badly. We were dancing on the dance floor with our friends and she grabbed my hands to dance with me. I danced a little but I didnt linger. Later she was complaining that she will never find a husband and that she'll die alone - all this to her best friend and I just happened to overhear - because her ex was now dancing with one of her other friends (gee school life is complicated!) Later on we were leaving our dads all went to pick up the cars because it was raining. It's crazy I know, no on can drive :/ so we were standing outside in the rain. She put her arm into mine and cuddled up to me. I didn't really say anything apart from the fact that I was cold, etc.
    I feel really bad because I don't want to lead her on, l dont want to get involved with anything now before exams, and I'm frightened the I might be gay. AAAAHH THERE I SAID IT!!!
    When I'm lying in bed at night, the only thing that gets me going is when I fantasise about the D... >:grin: I can fully accept that I like guys and find them attractive. But I'm not ready to accept it when I am me during the day - my daytime consciousness... does that even make sense? I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO SHE IS REALLY VULNERABLE AND FEELS LIKE MOSt OF Her friends are siding with her ex (who is a part of the group but doesnt hang around as much during lunchtime since the break up) so I dont want to be mean to her feelings, but on the other hand I don't want to start anything now, and what if I am gay? then I'm just going to hurt her even more. I WANT THE D SO BAD, but I don't think the day me nor the real world is really ready to accept yet.
    Phew I just needed to get that off my chest. If you have any advice, appreciated. But thanks for even taking the time just to read my story. It's not often that I open up to tell it so feel special peeps. ok it's quite late now, time for a sleeeeep :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  2. nerdbrain

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    Well, based on your post it seems pretty clear to me that you are gay. You're fantasizing about men while most of your friends are girls, and you don't seem to have any romantic/sexual feelings for girls.

    As for this girl who has a crush on you, it seems like that's more about her own desperation than any attraction to you in particular. If you wanted to pursue it (which it doesn't seem like you do), you could probably try straight sex and maybe prove to yourself that it's not for you. But things might end badly with your friend.

    I can identify with your description of night/day personalities. At night, no one is watching and you can be yourself; during the day the self-police come out with their rules and restrictions. I think everyone (gay and straight) has this dichotomy to some extent. I think the way to go is to get more comfortable with those nighttime thoughts and see if there are ways to bring them into the daylight at a pace that makes sense for you.
     
  3. Unkempt Harold

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    This helped me out a lot thanks XO
     
  4. weegee

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    Thanks for your advice. I've been fantasising about boys for a looooong time. I think you're right about it being the true me. I remember back in year 11 psychology about how the consciousness that we are aware of is only the tip of the iceberg. there is so much more going on that we are unaware of.
    As for the sex, well, I've never been in a relatioship and I'm not really going to start looking for one just so I can have some action. I don't believe in sex before marriage, but that requires too much plotting in TV shows these days, doesn't it?
    Sigh.
    The big thing I'm scared about now is stereotypes. I don't want people to think that I'm gay because I've always thought being gay is "bad". (oh, that's so GAY) Maybe next year when I'm in uni when I'm a little more relaxed I'll see where my feelings take me. (!)
     
  5. ChameleonSoul

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    Well, uni tends to be a much more accepting place for people and you'll be able to meet a lot of gay people there as well. And yes, there will be homophobic people out there and there may always be, but the world is changing and people are realizing that being gay isn't sinful or unnatural and shouldn't make you a second class citizen. I've found myself that using the term gay in a negative context is starting to become outdated and frankly, homophobic people are starting to look like dinosaurs as the 21st century goes on. Don't worry about people who would judge you. There are so many open minded people out there who would still think of you the same way, no matter what your sexual orientation is.
     
  6. samtheman3

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    I have had a similar experience to you
    I'm in high school (year 9) and I know I'm gay (fact)
    One of my best friends (who is a girl) broke up with her boyfriend and afterwards seems really clingy to me. Sho would always cuddle me as I'd I was her dad or something.
    At this point in time nobody knows Im gay and I am pretty convinced that because she had just come out of a relationship, that she just felt alone and needed a friend. Weather or not she had a crush on me, I'm not sure but I just comforted her and tried to be there as a friend. she is over it now and happy to be single.
    So my advice to you would be to simply be a true friend to he and comfort he until she stops skulking about her breakup and accepts it's over. Do your exams (which you may have already done by now) and after you will have time to think about your sexuality
    Once you have decided, you don't necessarily have to tell anyone. but just stay friends, give it time and see how it goes

    Thanks, and best of luck :slight_smile:
     
  7. kindy14

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    Let me say first, very astute, mature advice from a 13 year old.

    OP - if it comes to physical contact that you are uncomfortable with, just say NO. That works both ways, just because she might be able to get an erection out of you, doesn't mean she's free to use it without your consent.

    Some lines that might suit you:

    I'm sorry, I just like you as a friend. Let's not complicate things. << I heard this a lot from women I wanted to date, even after kissing, and petting >>

    I don't think you should be hooking up with someone when you are feeling this vulnerable. << this one is always true, it's easy to take advantage of someone just coming out of a relationship >>

    It's not you, it's me.

    Practice what you would do in your head. She leans in for a kiss, what do you say and do. If you want to be friends, you need to make boundaries.

    Prior planning prevents poor performance and panic. My rule of 6P's

    Good luck with your struggle. Find what makes you happy, and pursue it. Don't worry about fitting into a defined space or label. The more people I talk to, and read about, the more I find out that everyone has a unique view about sex, gender, identity, ect...

    Be yourself, be happy.
     
    #7 kindy14, Nov 11, 2014
    Last edited: Nov 11, 2014