I feel like I need a "questioning my sexuality life coach"

Does that exist?

In all seriousness, though. I'm a 35 year old woman who has never really questioned her sexuality all that much until recently. I gradually occurred to me that it seems like I'm maybe way more attracted to women than what some might say is "normal". I have realized that I much more often than not check out women more than men (or do all straight girls do that?). I have realized that I hate when a female friend starts dating a guy or even worse gets married. I'm jealous of the guy. I've never really thought about that from a romantic standpoint, though. In high school while my friends were discovering sex with guys, I was mourning losing my female friends. I really had no interest in dating or sex in high school.

I've had 3 semi-long term relationships with men. They were sporadic and mostly dysfunctional. I've dated several guys casually and mostly felt like they were kinda "meh". I've hurt a few guys who were really ready for a relationship and even though everything looked perfect in writing it just wasn't "there" for me. I wanted to keep the friendship and not muddy it up with their feelings or anything deep. I've had no real experience with women. When I was 13 I kissed a girl friend, but I wasn't attracted to her (we're still friends and I still don't find her attractive).

I don't feel comfortable right now trying to have a conversation with any of my female friends about any of these things. I have so many questions that mostly start out with "Do straight girls...?" For instance...Do straight girls fantasize about sex with men? Because I never have. When I've had sex with men it just kind of happened, heat of the moment kind of stuff and then "Oh, I guess we're dating now" or I broke it off the next day because I wasn't into him and he was thinking we were dating now (horrible, I know). Also, do straight girls really want to hurry up and get sex over with? I dig foreplay, but no so much the "main event". Do straight girls like looking at naked men? Because mostly it just makes me uncomfortable. I do think lots of guys are hot, but I never think "I'd really love to bang that guy", it's mostly just "Oh wow, he's hot" end of story.

If you've made it this far, thank you! Please, if anyone has any insight or advice, I'm so open to it.

 

Thanks for replying! Yes, I do have my best friend who happens to be a gay male. We've been best friends for nearly 20 years and the other day we were talking about this some and he said to me "honey, I knew you weren't straight the first day we met. Personally, I think you're bi." His opinion definitely counts as he knows me better than pretty much anyone else on the planet.

 

Thank you, Jay. I'll check those out.

 

Michael, yep I understand what you're saying. to clarify his saying he always thought I was bi was a response to my bringing up that I was pretty sure I was crushing on a (female) friend of mine and wasn't sure where that came from and then my realizing out loud that "nope, this isn't the first time". He's super supportive and he made sure I wasn't feeling any shame and that I could always come to him if needed.

Not sure how significant this is, but: I forgot to mention in my original post that I DO have sexual fantasies about women and when I meet a girl I think is attractive I sometimes get distracted by wondering what it would be like to kiss her, date her, etc. I know the label shouldn't matter, but this is literally a new discovery for me so yep, I'm picking it apart lol.

 

Thanks!