Apologies for the length of this, and a big thanks to anyone who actually reads this, it's taken a lot of courage and basically feelings of anxiety to finally sort out this so I can let it go. I'm 18 years old at the moment, up until now I've never seriously had to come to terms with my sexuality because throughout school my parents didn't let me have a girlfriend until I got to uni... so I guess I'd never fully confronted myself of it. This is my 1st year at uni and about 3 months ago I tried a medication for some digestive issues that had a side effect of anxiety and depression, and it hit me hard so I'm off the medication but I'm still struggling to get back to the way I was because I'm obsessing over my sexuality, it's so confusing I wish there was honestly a blood test to tell you your sexuality, it would make things so much easier! I've never really felt like I fit in completely at school, I cared about studying, I was in the school musicals and I got gay bullied when I wasn't even sure I was gay or not, either way it really hurt, the reason why I guess is because most guys were the horny jocks all over the girls and as for me I just treated girls better than pieces of meat, I really wish a had a strong group of guy friends at school like I do now at uni but anyway. I just really wish I fit a stereotype at school, but I didn't, I was one of those people you just couldn't quite put your finger on, in my opinion most of the guys at school seemed like clones of each other, all played sport, all horny as over girls, all acted the same, and seemed to have girls that liked them. Each guy usually had his best mate, my best friend is a girl who interestingly enough asked me one day if I was gay, at the time I just quickly denied it even though it was something that was starting to concern me. I had crushes on girls at about age 13, the crushes on the girls appeared to be purely romantic, they didn't involve fantasy but I still had romantic desire. At a similar time I sometimes enjoyed looking up larger guys on the internet for casual browsing. I started masturbating at this age, it was purely at the time about the pleasure of the experience, it made me feel so good that I was hooked into addiction for the next 5 years (aka until now). From the advice of some porn obsessed guy friends, I decided to start masturbating to porn and got off on straight porn. Something I noticed quickly is that unlike what other guys made it out to be for them, I did not find every single girl online attractive in fact I was very, very selective. I continued doing this for a while until I decided to look up the guys I used to and started getting off to that, I felt somewhat guilty but the pleasure I felt while doing it was too good for me to resist and I continued. From then on I'd look at much more gay porn than straight porn and I developed a masturbation addiction where I'd fantasise over guys in my head when I was 14. This addiction continued yet I started to have sexual feelings towards some of the girls and occasionally I'd get off over them. It seemed to be down to my tastes, in guys I like well built ones, in girls I like ones with curves and breasts... more often in porn it seemed like the guys were well built but the girls tended to be quite thin and didn't turn me on nowhere near as much (I'm really sorry if those blunt descriptions offended anyone, I'm just being completely honest as possible). I then developed weird gay fetishes as my masturbation addiction called for a better "high", see I masturbated to get rid of my stress, and it turned into a bad repetitive habit, it was my primary coping mechanism to feel good about myself (I was fat in school.. with some self esteem issues that would come and go), it was like a safe place for me to pleasure myself and yet at the same time I never realised I had an addiction, and always thought deep down I was straight, whatever feelings I had of gay denial I just kind of shoved off because they gave me anxiety. From 16-17 I didn't have a crush on anyone, I studied really hard in my final year and ended up topping my year level academically which was great, the only way I made it through that stressful year though was just by masturbating to gay porn just because it was the only stress release I knew and could trust to relieve me, I did also go to the gym a bit. Because I had exposed myself to so much gay porn for the novelty of it, in public I'd notice guys more than girls and fantasise about them but because I had watched much less straight porn in comparison, it never seemed to happen with girls ever. Because I still sort of had at least some interest in girls I thought I may be bisexual but I just pushed confirming my sexuality out of the picture because I was honestly still confused. Another thing I want to mention is that after I masturbate to gay porn, literally after the climax, I look at it, and think what the hell.. that isn't that attractive, why did I find that such a turn on when I was horny, because I just look at the guys thinking.. yeah they're hot I guess but not as hot as I thought they were when I was horny? Let's cut to this year 1st year of uni, the degree I'm doing is pretty stressful and again I find myself masturbating to predominantly gay porn because it's a cycle that I never really bothered to break out of simply because it felt so good and I'd become so accustomed to it. Meanwhilst at uni I met a girl through a friend who I realised I had a crush on and we talked for a few months until we started a relationship together in July, there was also another girl that I had a crush on in one of my tutorials (nothing major but I felt something quite special for her), yet there was also a kind of crush on a guy I developed (because I have some self-esteem issues with my identity I kind of get turned on by guys I envy.. I could not stop checking him out because I wanted to be as hot/attractive as him). I had both emotional and sexual feelings for my girlfriend (as I said there are few girls that turn me on, but she did) and suddenly I had extreme straight feelings in my sexuality. I really wanted a girlfriend as soon as I started uni, not being allowed to have one only made people at school more suspicious of my sexuality, but I guess there were no girls at my school I'd ever want to be in a relationship with because I'm picky like that. Back to being suddenly a very straight guy, my masturbation habits started to focus on fantasising about having sex with her or looking at photos of her on facebook, I found her really hot and she really fell for me romantically. My general masturbation suddenly began to find women a lot more attractive before when I figured that curvier women turned me on, sadly I felt so much better about myself for climaxing over a girl because I felt straight and good because I don't want to be gay and I've been gay bullied in my past and I think that's affected me, when I did it over guys i always felt not completely content with that at all. When I started to consider my bisexuality, it felt good, it felt like I belonged somewhere, it it all clicked for me. I had finally faced what I had been surpassing for years and my sexual fantasies now had women in them, so much so that I could start fantasising over women, then a man would come into it, then by the end of the fantasy another women would enter. And for a while there I was quite content with this, because I have no real desire for a relationship with a guy, but I do for girls, yet sexually I can be attracted to both. My girlfriend and I began hooking up which was my first kiss and I enjoyed it, but at the same time my relationship with this girl was primary me trying to test my sexuality for the first time in my life and honestly I got a lot of anxiety around her, but visually I really wanted to have sex with her.. when guys at school talked about girls like pieces of meat to have sex with I never understood them, but now I finally did get where they were coming from if I was horny enough. 1.5 months later we had a bad breakup, she was getting incredibly clingy wondering why I didn't text her every single day, she felt a lot more about me than I did about her and it ended badly. We got into a fight over facebook and she kept making herself the victim and I felt so bad because of what she was saying about me, but after talking to my friends they told me she was just saying all this to guilt trip me and I wasn't as bad as she made me out to be. I used to look at couples and think I wanted that, but after this relationship I feel sick. Literally 3 days after I started taking that medication I mentioned which gave me anxiety. I've developed extreme HOCD since this, where with every girl I see I start thinking.. why don't you think she's hot!? are you gay!? but then I'd look at another guy and think I'm not attracted to him so I'm just being plain unreasonable, for some reason my mind can't be at rest with the fact that I'm probably bisexual because there aren't many bisexual guys and it feels like I'm just covering up being gay in denial and it's giving me bad anxiety. I can't figure out my sexuality, at events when I've had some drinks there have been girls I've really wanted to kiss but I still wonder if I'm gay in denial, I just can't tell whether I'm bisexual. Since the breakup I have been fantasising about my ex sexually, and continued to have straight sexual fantasies with gay ones too. But this HOCD and confusion about my sexuality is taking over my life and giving my anxiety, I want to know who I am, and feel completely comfortable with that, I was comfortable for the brief time that I thought I was bisexual but my mind just rejects the concept as me being secretly gay because I crave the straight life of meeting a wife and having kids, sometimes I feel tense around my gay friends because I'm constantly judging myself to see if I act like them. Please help me, I'm going insane, I just want to know who I am and be happy. I've actually completely stopped watching porn and masturbating for 2 weeks now as I feel it's time to face the music and stop living in sexual fantasy and getting rid of my stress via useless masturbation, some of the side effects have been increased anxiety which has made me freak out more over my sexuality.. I can't even focus on my studies.. help! :icon_sad: (I realise this message is incredibly hard to follow, I have so many thoughts in this issue!)
