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Is this a sign of being gay?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Eric Dave, Oct 17, 2014.

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  1. Eric Dave

    Eric Dave Guest

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    I grew up as an adolescent only thinking about girls and fantasising about them. I was shy and girls didnt really show any interest in me until I was 20. Anyway all my crushes were about the opposite sex all through my life. When I kissed girls I always got very aroused. Im 32 now but in the last 2 years I've noticed that when I kiss girls I still enjoy it very much but I dont get much of an erection. It's a sort of semi now. Before I would be getting very excited and if she stimulated me down there I would ejaculate quickly as I would be very excited. Also I would ejaculate a large amount.

    I am worried that the diminishing response down there is a sign I'm gay. Is it? Or is this a normal part of growing older? That it's harder to get that excitement up after you get used to kissing women hundreds of times? I still enjoy kissing girls and want to take it further.

    Also another thing that worries me is this: When I see a hot girl I feel sort of ''yeah she is gorgeous'' and I would love to get them into bed given the chance. But I dont feel horny just looking at girls.

    I have been diagnosed with ''hocd'' by an ocd specialist but I constantly doubt the diagnosis. People tell me its not called ''the doubting disease'' for nothing so maybe thats it but I dunno.

    When I look at another guy in the face I feel an intensity and I can feel something going on in my groin. It's not arousal as I used to know it but my groin kind of swells a bit and the nerves feel engaged.

    I dont have a conscious desire to kiss or have sex with men. I would never choose to do it if the opportunity arose. I have no romantic attraction for them or never did. However I am worried that these sensations mean something. These sensations disturb me and I dont like it when it happens. Do you think its arousal or fear that I feel this intensity in my chest? Its like adrenaline/fear/sex jumbled up. I never get an erection to it. In fact I have tried to masturbate to the feeling to test out if its arousal but dont seem to get it going well for guys unless theres some weird subconscious mental block stopping it.

    I have romantic interest in girls. I suppose Im scared that I will have to give up women and be forced into a gay lifestyle/relationship. I love hugging, kissing, and being naughty with girls but fear that maybe there was a gay inside me lying dormant and now it will force me to do things I dont want to do.

    The thought of being in a gay relationship makes me sad. Waking up everyday beside a guy. I want a nice soft cuddy girl to love. :frowning2:
     
    #1 Eric Dave, Oct 17, 2014
  2. bitchstewie

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    Do you fantasise about either males or females? You could be asexual??
     
    #2 bitchstewie, Oct 18, 2014
  3. Chip

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    Echoing the above poster, if you feel no actual sexual attraction for guys, don't fantasize about them, don't get aroused thinking about being sexual with them... then it's pretty certain you're not gay.

    It is very unlikely you are asexual, as less than 1% of the population is asexual, and you exhibit signs of normal sexual arousal toward women. But it is possible that the OCD is interfering with your natural attraction.

    I would like to ask a bit of clarification about the diagnosis you received: Was the diagnosis made by a psychiatrist or Ph.D psychologist? If so, did s/he explain to you that HOCD is not a standalone condition (any more than "locking doors over and over OCD" is a standalone condition), but simply a symptom of an underlying brain process?

    That's an important distinction because if the person giving you the diagnosis didn't have clarity about OCD and how it manifests, s/he may not have been qualified to make that diagnosis. It seems pretty clear there are some obessive patterns/thoughts going on, so it's important to know what you're dealing with so you can get the correct help.

    There's a great book called "Brain Lock" that was written for people with OCD to help them overcome it. You might get a hold of it and see if what it is describing matches your experiences.
     
    #3 Chip, Oct 18, 2014
  4. Eric Dave

    Eric Dave Guest

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    I was diagnosed by Dr, Steven Phillipson in New York. I am not sure what his qualifications are exactly but I believe he is regarded very highly in the ocd world by therapists etc..

    I know another poster on here was diagnosed by him too but is now coming out as gay so I am fearing I am the same as him.

    I grew up masturbating solely about girls. I did once try a gay fantasy literlally one time at age 18 but went back to enjoying my straight fantasies until I had suffered E.D. for about 6 yrs which I still have to a degree. My erection quality is not what it should be for someone my age.

    I did have crushes on girls as a teenager, adult, now etc.. For example I would see a pretty girl in a store and hope she would notice me and or I could get to talk to her. If she interacted with me in a friendly manner I would feel very happy etc..

    But I am getting these sensations in my chest/groin in the last few years when I see guys that I never had with girls which is scary and confusing. I know I like girls, cuddling them, wanting to be loved by them etc..kissing them, sex... but when I see a pretty girl its not like my heart beats very fast, or I get a strong arousal down below, and feel like I have to masturbate right now etc.. I did when I was younger but not now. Im 32 now. Maybe this is normal as we get older I dont know? I dont know what others experience.

    With guys I see a good looking guy and become apprehensive like ''oh no I hope I dont feel attracted. Oh no here's that awful groin feeling again...'' and I feel this intensity in my chest, the air is sucked out of my lungs, my heart beats faster and I feel some movement in my groin. This groinal feeling is like blood has filled up the 'root' of my penis between my legs but not the shaft, sometimes my ballsack will fill up with blood and slosh around. I am scared I'm aroused by guys. If I am I'm not enjoying it. I dont get an erection. Its still flaccid.

    This actually happened on a plane lately and I saw a gay male air steward and I felt this groinal and was scared by it and went to the toilet to masturbate about the guy to see if its genuine arousal or not. I couldnt get aroused stroking it but I made myself ejaculate eventually but my penis was soft as I ejaculated. Then I sat back down and started doubting again.

    Anyway are these bodily reactions arousal or fear do you think?

    I know for a fact I used to get seriously seriously turned on by girls in porn, and would also get premature ejaculation if I was fooling around with a girl froma age 19-25. Is it normal for my sexual response to be slower as I get older? Or is this a sign I am gay?

    Other info: All through my teens and adulthood I could visualise boobs or some sexual act with a girl and I would feel arousal kick in. I enjoyed it. Maybe I am in denial or have internalised homophobia but I am scared and feel strange if my groin even tingles when I see a guy.

    In real life I would never want to kiss a guy. Im scared I will someday though and discover I like it. I was kissing a girl the other night and I enjoyed it but only had a mild semi. In the past I would be hard and feel like ejaculating.
     
    #4 Eric Dave, Oct 18, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2014
  5. Peacemaker

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    yes, i think its normal for your arousal to decrease with age and you sound straight to me but you seem overly worried about the possibility of being gay
     
    #5 Peacemaker, Oct 18, 2014
  6. wardrobeescaper

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    I'm 31 and my level of arousal depends on my mood mostly. To be honest aged 30 plus you're mostly looking for a bit more than just sex so don't worry about it
     
    #6 wardrobeescaper, Oct 18, 2014
  7. Eric Dave

    Eric Dave Guest

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    Well the confusing (and terrifying) thing is these bodily reactions around guys. What if its arousal?? I'm scared it is but it doesnt feel like the arousal I had for girls in my teens/adult life-that was exciting and enjoyable. With guys my heart beats faster, the air is sucked out of my lungs, I feel some sort of intense feeling in my chest (adrenaline?) and feel some thing down there without it being an erection. Its like its the start of an erection but never develops into one. Its scary because its like you are losing control of your body. I would never choose to kiss a guy or experiment but fear that confronting my fear is the only way out of this but I dont want to do it. Is this fear/anticipation like PAvlovs dog response or arousal?
     
    #7 Eric Dave, Oct 19, 2014
  8. OnTheHighway

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    Have you ever considered experimenting with a guy to see how it feels?
     
    #8 OnTheHighway, Oct 19, 2014
  9. Eric Dave

    Eric Dave Guest

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    No I mentioned that in my posts. I really do not want to do that.

    I just got a feeling in my groin seeing the new cover of U2's album which has two toopless men on it. I'm feeling anxious now. I have to be gay.

    ---------- Post added 19th Oct 2014 at 06:15 AM ----------

    I just tried masturbating to the picture and couldnt get hard even stroking it. Now you can see my confusion.
     
    #9 Eric Dave, Oct 19, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 19, 2014
  10. Filip

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    Honestly, what you describe sounds more like a "fight or flight" response than arousal.


    On a superficial level, there are indeed some similarities between the two. But there might be some things you're misinterpreting here.

    Focusing on what's going on "down there", specifically: the fight or flight response will try to inhibit erections from occurring (little use for them if you're fleeing a predator, after all). It will do so by constricting the blood vessels. Now, it cannot do so without a noticeable feeling. There's a lot of blood vessels down there, and constricting them all of a sudden will create a noticeable sensation. It's the same system you use for actual sex, so it will share some of the feelings.
    Also, when your body has done this, it has trapped the blood to your penis and contracted the blood vessels slightly, so it's perfectly reasonable for it to be slightly less "floppy" than it is in normal situations.

    Arousal, on the other hand, would result in the body first pumping it full of blood before locking the access. Again, it uses some of the same blood vessels involved in the fight or flight response so there are bound to be some that elicit a feeling in both responses, but the end result is quite different.

    And, then there is of course the fact that arousal os pleasant while fight or flight is not.
    "But what if it's denial?" you might ask? Well, speaking from experience: arousal is still pleasant when you're in denial. It might be a "dirty pleasure" or a "guilty pleasure", but on some level id does come with a desire of wanting to do things with the object of your desire. The feeling you describe is the exact opposite of that, though.



    On another note: yeah, it's normal for sex drive to go down as you get older. That doesn't mean it's low, though. It just means it's high when you're just out of puberty. It is quite normal to be mostly asexual for most of any given day, and only get aroused by very specific people or in very specific circumstances. In the circumstances in which humans evolved, at 30 you're supposed to start caring for your grandkids already ;-)


    So, as most everyone here has said:I don't think you're gay in any way. Just regular OCD (with a current focus on sexuality). Dealing with OCD is a lifelong task, but it shouldn't stop you from finding a decent girlfriend!
     
    #10 Filip, Oct 19, 2014
  11. Eric Dave

    Eric Dave Guest

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    Your explanation makes very good sense and I think it could very well be whats going on. When my groin reacts to guys it feels like something is tightening down there before any erection has occured. When I then try to masturbate to the trigger that caused the tightening the rubbing almost relaxes my penis and makes the feeling of arousal go away if that makes sense.

    But I'm constantly fearing that I do enjoy it and that Im in denial and not allowing my body to get aroused. But if I am gay then is it normal to have such strong reactions at the least sign of anything related to homosexuality? I could see a topless catonn character and feel this response. It feels like being raped by my own body to be honest. I have tried to enjoy it but any time it happens I find myself feeling terror and its been going on 7 years now since age 25. Thanks Filip! :slight_smile:
     
    #11 Eric Dave, Oct 19, 2014
  12. Filip

    Filip
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    When I was in denial (speaking from 10 years of experience, here), my experience was pretty much the opposite of what you describe.

    I'd get aroused to gay thoughts (Not just "slight clenching". I mean really aroused. Hard, hot, sexual fantasies happening by themselves, the works).
    I'd masturbate to them and enjoy it. Then the denial kicked in, but that was all about convincing myself that I didn't enjoy myself after all. That what I felt was some sort of "false enjoyment" and that it would be way better with a girl, etc.

    Denial is not some sort of mental block that completely blocks your enjoyment from you. It isn't some amnesia that comes over you. You're conscious of your thoughts. You're enjoying things while you're enjoying them. After the fact you just try to convince yourself that you didn't feel what you felt.

    So, again, the opposite of what you describe. Which does again point to the OCD. You're not trying to black out an experience that you very conciously had. What you're describing sounds more like "distrusting your own mind and body". Which is, again, one of the major symptoms of OCD and not of being gay.


    Finally: I do think that by now, it's normal for reactions to be extreme. By now, you've been training your body for years into panicking at pretty much any sensation in your penis.
    Call it conditioning, call it Pavlovs dog, but that's pretty much what it is. It'll take some time to uncondition yourself, but it can be done. Any time it happens, remind yourself of the simple fact that a penis is, like any organ, connected to the rest of your body. Every so often, you're bound to get some sensation by sheer virtue of it being connected to your circulatory and nervous system. And often, slight clenchings or tinglings are just the penis equivalent of your stomach rumbling.
     
    #12 Filip, Oct 19, 2014
  13. Eric Dave

    Eric Dave Guest

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    Thanks Filip. Thats seriously great advice. :slight_smile: I just wish I could get rid of pathological doubt. Everytime I feel happy after a whileI will feel something down there and my heart will sink to my boots and I start doubting again. Even now I'm thinking maybe I enjoy the thoughts and telling myself I don't. I'm the ultimate 'Doubting Thomas'.
     
    #13 Eric Dave, Oct 19, 2014
  14. prussianblue100

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    You have an obvious attraction towards women, so I don't think you're gay. But you could be bisexual.
     
    #14 prussianblue100, Oct 19, 2014
  15. nowia

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    Hello Dave, first excuse me for my english since it is not my native language. Anyway When I found out your topic and your posts, I immediately thought to myself:"omg, this guy is me". Only difference i find between you and me is, that im 25 years old and this shit in my head and my groin just happened few weeks ago. I have always been straight, a bit of shy perhaps, but I knew I liked girls. I dont have a time to describe my situation right now, cause my gf is about to come. but I will tell you this, Yes i do watch and masturbate to "normal" porn practicly everyday since 10 years old, yes i found that i lost that "arousement" i had when i was younger. yes i do have exact same thoughts when i think im gay, or bi, or whatever nature made me, but I just dislike it, it terrifies me. I have a girfriend which i like and enjoy sex with, but yes i have E.D. from time to time. but again some days im able to have sex with here 3-5 times per night, sometimes, she can do whatever she want, but nothing happens. yes, im in fear that i like boys too, checking them out on the street, but then again. i KNOW and Im SURE i have never did that before this thought popped in my head. And when it happend? I will tell you exactly, i was lying with my gf in bed after sex, comfortable, satisfied, and this fucking thought pierced my head:" What if Im gay?" and since that day, every day is a terror. and no i have never had any experience with guys and im not willing to. I have nothing against gay people. its just not me. but again, there is my head and sometimes it says otherwise. fuck this, FML.
     
    #15 nowia, Oct 20, 2014
  16. onlyshallow

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    Hi Dave-

    I hope this isn't weird but I've read a lot of your posts in my obsessive search for my own answers and wanted to message you (but I have been a user for only 2 days and I can basically do nothing to contact people :bang:slight_smile:. You seem to have a lot of experience with HOCD. I am a 21 year old chick who has been having a horrible time of it for years. I used to be an avid contributor on a forum, one of the more popular forums for HOCD sufferers. It has since gone down and that's kind of why I'm here. For the record, I am no longer a believer that HOCD exists by itself, but is an offhand way for people like us to refer to the whole obsessive process. It's kind of like slang. A lot of people are upset here by the use of it because, from the outside perspective, it seems like a denial tactic. It very well may be. But for us, in our heads, it's the only crutch we have to try and figure this stuff out.

    Anyway, I just wanted to reach out because it might be beneficial for you, and me, to communicate about this as we probably have mutual experience. I have a lot of triumph and failure with this. I don't want to be someone who will enable your compulsions, but I think if us really confused people can band together and just talk and have empathy, we can figure this out. Or at least not feel so bad about it. I know for a fact relationships are hard when you have to keep this a secret for fear that everyone will think you're not who you think you are, but in reality, we have a bad problem.

    Anyway, I hope things aren't going too terribly for you and hope something useful can
    come out of this. :thumbsup:

    Unfortunately I have no idea how we could talk about this elsewhere as my privileges are pretty limited right now. :roflmao: I'd prefer not to just post nonsense in order to get full member status.

    Anyway, best of luck and let me know if this is something that would interest you.
    Amanda
     
    #16 onlyshallow, Oct 21, 2014
  17. onlyshallow

    onlyshallow
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    So sorry, I meant to type Eric.
     
    #17 onlyshallow, Oct 21, 2014
  18. Eric Dave

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    I'm back. Felt fine after reading your posts Filip. Then the doubts come back in force. I see a hot girl and can see shes beautiful but dont feel any urge in my groin. In my youth/adulthood I could get a bit aroused just by thinking about her in a sexual way. Then I can see a guy and get this automatic feeling in my groin. like Its a horrible feeling. I cant make it stop. I sure hope its not denial. I am close to entering into a new relationship with a girl and the doubts keep killig me that I'm gay and that I am being a terrible person misleading her etc..

    Argh..

    Its like my straight self wore off and now this new gay me is here. Its horrible as my reactions are the opposite of what I used to know them to be.

    Ihope this is just ocd.
     
    #18 Eric Dave, Oct 24, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2014
  19. Eric Dave

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    These groinal feelings are driving me nuts. Im wondering if its gay sexual repression busrting to get out and so the sight of any half decent looking man is causing a feeling down there. Am I not getting erect because my mind views homosexuality negtvely??

    I have tried masturbating to the feelings and can orgasm but the erection is still quite soft.
    I do it to check my arousal levels.

    Now I am telling myself maybe if I was with a guy I'd get uncontrollably aroused and would get rock hard.

    But I don't want to. I'm scared I would. Do you think somehow I am repressing my erections? Would I get hard masturbating about guys if I was gay easily?

    I dont enjoy when my penis reacts in any way whatsoever to guys. It scares me and makes me question myself all day long.

    My arousal to women has decreased significantly. Kissing a girl I like now only gives me a small semi. In the past I would have blown my load had she statred to grind me.

    I really am afraid I'm just in denial or repressing my arousal or something. The thing is I actually try to masturbate about men to try to get this out in the open if I am gay but I hate doing it and I also dont get that aroused. MAybe I'm too scared.

    I am entering into a relationship with a girl again and I like her. I'm scared I'm lying to myself and to her though and that i'll have to come out in future.

    I just want to get aroused by the sight of boobs like I used to. Or kissing or anythingmy body has stopped reacting the way I was used to it growing up.. I have turned gay or was gay all along or maybe its just ridiculously bad ocd.
     
    #19 Eric Dave, Oct 27, 2014
  20. Jax12

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    Don't use gronial responses to determine your sexuality. It NEVER works. If I blind folded you and someone was giving you head you would enjoy it. Doesn't matter who it is because your dick is designed to respond to that. It's the same with porn. Even for an individual that was 100% straight, how likely is it that his future wife would be like the one he sees in porn?

    Don't look at it from a sexual perspective. In doing so it only tells you who you would have sex with in the porn world, but not the real world (if that makes any sense). Look for a relationship where you like the person for who they are AND NOT because he has a big dick; not because she has nice boobs; not because she looks hot in undies, but because you are attracted to who they are.
     
    #20 Jax12, Oct 27, 2014
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