I guess I've always known that I was somewhat different than my friends but I just never thought it was my sexuality. This post might be quite long so please know that I very much appreciate every single respond I get. I need to hear others thoughts on this. So, others my age would always talk about boys and how hot they were and I never really "got it". My explanation for this was that I just didn't like those boys in particular. I would hear girls talk about their obsession with Justin Bieber and One Direction but I all I felt was 'meh'. A part of this I believe also has to do with me having different interest than what others my age usually have. However, to never feel a thing when talking about that stuff is strange. While girls around me crushed on all these mainstream boys I would develop these strong admirations for female celebrities. I would become obsessed with them and watch every single interview and paparazzi video I could find. I've never had a real relationship with anyone. Worth pointing out though is that here in Sweden we don't really go on dates like in America, so relationships when you're younger works differently. When I was 11 I remember thinking I was so in love with this boy. A week into the "relationship" someone dared us to "kiss" and after that it just felt wrong and I broke up with him after a while. When I was 13 there was this other boy that I thought I liked. We used to text a lot and hung out a couple of times. After a while we decided that we were in a relationship (ha ha). It immediately felt absolutely wrong even though I was convinced I really liked this guy. So I broke it off. During this time I never thought of being with girls. However, I remember that when I was even younger me and my (girl)friends would often play that we were girlfriend and boyfriend which I enjoyed very much. Then my parents got divorced which started my depression. I'm still struggling with it to this day (the divorce doesn't bother me it just started it all). So gradually I sort of isolated myself from friends. Love wasn't something I really cared as much about anymore. When I was 14 I had a "crush" on a P.E teacher at my school, but I don't think it was him that I really liked. He was engaged and had two children, so I guess it was sort of the adventure and not the guy himself that I wanted. At this point I explained my general disinterest in boys with depression and thinking they're immature. I first made out with a guy when I was 13 years old, at a 'disco' during summer camp. Or rather, it was three guys the same night. I can't say that I hated it, but I remember thinking "how long is this going to go on?". It felt empty. Since then I've made out with more guys, but never someone I knew. It has always been at 'discos'. As I said, I didn't dislike it. But I believe the main reason I didn't could be because it made me feel mature. I've never kissed anyone I've had actual feelings for. Fast forward about two years of depression and now here I am. :smilewave I love social science and have been very interested in human rights (I'm active in Amnesty). For a long time I've been the most pro-LGBTQ* person you'll ever meet where I live. However, I've always considered myself straight. My devotion to the LGBTQ* community is something I've explained with my interest for human rights etc. I just never thought I would actually be apart of it. It might sound crazy but that's just how it's been. Now when I'm questioning myself I feel that it could partly be explained by that interest, but also because it's probably a part of me. I don't really feel attracted to anyone my age, of any gender. I often feel like a 30 year old in a 16 year old body though so it might be that their immaturity is turning me off. Then there's my depression (which has caused my to mature quite a bit). But then there's this person. This amazing person who I can't get out of my mind. Let's call her X. X is perfect except from the fact that she's 35+, has two kids, probably has a partner (she doesn't have a ring but it's not rare to just not get married here in Sweden), is probably straight and is my teacher. I hate my life. I just started my first year at the 'Gymnasium' (google it), so I've known X for about two months now. A couple of months back I visited the school I now go to, to get information. X was the teacher who greeted me and explained how the program worked. She sort of stuck in my mind. The first day this semester only one of our class' teachers was there and she said that our other teacher would be there the next day. I remember hoping that it was X, which it was. After a while I realized that my feelings for X was more than just an admiration. Now I can't get her out of my mind. It's the first time I understand what other people have talked about when it comes to 'love'. Anyways, it's affecting my work in school and I always act so weird around her. I feel like she knows. I also get this 'vibe' from the way she looks at me but it's probably just on my part. This might seem similar to the situation with the P.E teacher, but with X I wish nothing more than that I was older and she was available. With the P.E teacher, again, it was more the 'adventure' I longed for. So, I might sound pretty gay from all of this. I know I'm not straight. It's just that I don't know if I'm lesbian enough to call myself lesbian. I still feel like I could have sex with a guy. I don't want to say that I'm a lesbian because I like the attention from men in my life. I feel like I would exclude a part of me by identifying as lesbian. So maybe I'm bi? But I prefer women to men. I can't really see myself in a relationship with a guy at the moment. Perhaps I'm homo-romantic and bisexual? I feel like I don't want to identify as straight much longer, but I wouldn't want to come out as bisexual and then end up being lesbian (out of respect for bisexuals). I often feel like I don't want to label myself anything, but that would never work where I live.
I may be completly wrong but from what you have said you may be Bi but with a strong preference for girls. But then again you may be lesbian. As much as I hate being told this myself and my curiosity wants to know my own sexual orientation now, I think you may need a little more time. Maybe focus a little more on your own actions and thoughts towards each gender. I know this may not help at all. Sorry. You might also want to see someone about the depression wether it is one of your parents or a therapist or even a close friend who won't judge. Just to talk to someone who you trust wholeheartedly may help you. I know it did for me. Even though it was my friend and she never really gave any advise. I really hope it sorts out for you soon.(*hug*)
No, you got it right! :eusa_clap Thank you for the advice. Yeah, I just want to know because it's keeping me up at night. It sort of makes my depression even worse. I've been in treatment for depression for quite some time now, so I am getting help! Thanks again. (*hug*)
Hey Phalange, I know it's been a couple of days since you posted this but how are you? Are you still having feelings for this lady? I agree with what ET said. If you need any help or advice, we're here for you.
Hi, Yeah the feelings are still there. I very seldom fall for anyone, so when I do I guess I fall hard. It's just so difficult as I can't get over her when I see her nearly every single day. Her intense eye contact doesn't make it easier either. I have autumn break this week so we'll see how I do after a week away from her. Thank you. (*hug*)
It's just that right now I feel like I'm excluding a part of myself by calling myself lesbian. I also think this crush of mine is making everything even more dizzy. Like, I don't feel much for anyone but her - of any gender.
Hmm... to me you sound possibly lesbian or bi... Have you heard of the terms "gray-romantic" or "gray-sexual?" It means you are only occasionally attracted to people, romantically or sexually. This sounds a bit like you, and maybe it just happens that one of the rare people you are interested in is a woman. Which doesn't mean you're definitely lesbian, but I'd agree with you that you're not straight. I can't say whether you are or could be at all interested in men, but I've been to a "disco" at a summer camp in Norway, which is probably similar to those in Sweden, and I wouldn't expect making out with anyone at one of those is ever very meaningful. So you could be lesbian, or if there are men you'd be interested in, they're very uncommon and you haven't experienced any yet. As for the being-in-love-with-a-teacher, I don't have any real advice for that. I suppose all it can do is teach you about yourself and your orientation. I don't know.
Thank you so much for your reply, poison53sumac. I've heard the "gray" terms before, though I haven't looked into it. It does sort of sound like me. However, depression can cause you to not be as interested. So until I'm well again that's hard to determine.
You could start a bit of sports activities, maybe that would lighten your mood... Is there a way for you to meet people a bit older than you, one or two years, so you could meet a bit more mature people, but still kind of in your age group ? Like a photography group at school... or any kind of sports group...
I don't know. There are "clubs" at school, but not any I'm really interested in. People have tried to get me into some kind of physical activity but they've all given up on it. I think that it might help in some way (though this depression is quite deep I'd say) but I get anxiety when I plan things (like a work-out), which causes me to become even more tired (I have major lack of energy). I do see my therapist every other week though which helps a bit.
Hey! Sounds like you just described my life! I also had a huge crush on a teatcher in high school, and that was probably the most powefrul feeling i've ever felt! I got over int as high school ended, though. Then, cause still in denial, i decided to do military service (in finland it compulsory for the guys and girls can volunteer) i tought that a year with a year with a lot of guys would somehow make me have deelings for them (not the reasom i joined). Did not work at all. Only realised how much i really love strong women! Im in college now & i still have crushes on the most impossible people (like older women, celebrities and so on..) i dont know what was the point of this, maybe just to say that i feel u!
Thank you for your reply Infinitewonder. I wish you weren't struggling, but it feels good to not be alone. (*hug*)
