Am I Lesbian?

Hello.
I'm not sure what is going on inside my head but it is ruining a lot of things for me and I just need advice from people who may have gone through this or can answer my question.

All my life I have always loved boys/men. I can still remember the names of the boys I liked when I was under the age of 10 and upwards. I was bullied when I was younger for wearing glasses which made me feel that no guy was ever going to like me and I became very shy and had self esteem issues. I always had a crush on famous people and also boys at school and just walking past them in the street, and I always wanted a boyfriend, I always hoped I would find a nice guy and dreamed about them pretty much all the time.

The first time a boy paid attention to me was when I was 14 and I was so excited by it, I could barely sleep that night, I thought if I died then and there, I'd die happy. We went out and he was my first kiss and I just thought he was wonderful(turned out to be a shit bag)and I was upset when he wasn't interested anymore. I kept on having crushes on boys and I went through an 'emo' stage and wanted to fit in with my friends who were bisexual so I said I was as well even though I had never been attracted to a girl. I then met my first boyfriend who I fell head over heels for, and we were together for 2 years. Half way through our relationship I got worried incase I didn't love him but I would do anything for him, i justmwanted him to be happy. When we broke up, it broke my heart.

I then met my second boyfriend who I was with for 2 years and I fell even harder for him, I remember looking at him and just thinking "I am in love with you" and I felt so incredibly happy with him for the first year. One day I got worried that I didn't love him and i got very bad anxiety from it like I did with my first boyfriend.i questioned reasons why I may feel like that and one was "maybe I am gay" but then I thought I have never liked a girl though and dismissed it. Our relationship wasn't the best and I'd always end up hurt, I've never shed so many tears over a person. When we broke up i was once again heartbroken. I slowly pieced myself back together again.

I was attracted to so many different guys when I finally felt better, and kissed quiet a few both sober and a few drunk kisses with guys that I liked. I felt on top of the world when a cute guy talked to me, and when a guitarist serenaded me at work, I thought this is what it feels to be attracted to someone, like fireworks attracted, I still think of him today.

Anyway skip forward to a year ago. I had a really tough year last year, I was raped by someone I thought was my friend and obsessed about the possibility that I could've had hiv(he wasn't hiv+). I became depressed. My first thoughts were how am I going to break this to my parents and now I will never be able to spend my life with a man and have a family with him. I have never felt so low. Slowly but surely I decided not to let that event define me and picked myself up and became a better version of myself. But I had had to so much stress and anxiety, I felt like a time bomb ready to explode.

So a few months down the line, I started feeling a familair anxious state that I had felt with my ex boyfriends, and I got worried incase people thought I was butch and that's why I no man wanted me. "If I'm butch, does that mean I am gay? Am I attracted to women?" And then I had a panic attack, I thought to myself, have I ever been attracted to a woman? Not that I can remember, sure some women are stunning and I'd love to look like them but I don't want to have sex with them nor kiss them. But i started obsessing, what if I am? What if my whole life was a life and I didn't really love my boyfriends and I didn't really want to marry a man or jump on that guitarist? I became depressed. I tried to accept it thinking well if I am a lesbian that's cool, I'll still love myself, but I couldnt, it didn't feel right, how can I be a lesbian if I love men and never felt attracted to a woman?

This has came and gone in waves. I began liking a guy I met, and I thought well this worrying was worthless, but after feeling the butterflies and really falling for him, I began
worrying, what if I didnt really like him? Anxiety kicked in.

I then met a guy working at a hotel and I didn't feel anything for him at first, sure he's alright. But over time I started seen g him in another light, I think I liked him. We got together and I started falling for him harder and faster, I'd find excuses to see him between shifts, I'd slow down walking to an area so we would run in to eachother, and I fantasised about us being together. When other girls spoke about him or the were talking to him, I felt very jealous. When I realised we werent going to work, I felt very shit. I tried to hold it in, but one night I just cried, it hurt.

But I still have this worry, what if I'm gay? What if I'm so in denial I can be attracted to a woman? I tried to fantasise about women but I just have no interest and I try to get the image out of my head. When I think of guys, I get turned on. I just get scared when j think of guys romantically, I get scared of the thought that what if I don't really like them and I won't ever have this.

Please can someone help me, if I was a lesbian, I'd have no problem with it and I wouldn't have a problem coming out and I know I wouldn't lose the people I love but I just love men and I want to be with them(in fact im talking to a really cute guy, and i don't want to feel anxious about anything if me and him date, I just want to enjoy it). But am I in denial or am I just obsessing over a fear of not meeting the right guy?

 

Sorry for the really long post, but I'm so tired of worrying if I'm lying to myself or not. I should also add that the first time I hot turned on by a guy was when I was 13 and I was reading a book, this was the first time I ever got turned on. When I look at a girl and ask myself do you fancy her, I get like a tightness down below, it's isn't pleasurable, it feels more tense and anxious. I once also felt this when I looked at a dog and wondered if I was attracted to that

 

Thank you so much for your replies! I need to just relax but it's so hard, I just keep obsessing. I would totally be cool being either lesbian or bisexual, but the thing is, I've never felt sexually or romantically attracted to a woman, I've tried to think hard about if I ever have, and nothing comes to mind. I've just always loved men and being physical with a woman doesn't appeal to me at all, do I sound like I'm in the closet? When I relax and don't feel stressed, I feel happy and I realise that I don't have any attraction to women, but when I am stressed, I feel anxious and I start doubting everything, when I first wondered about myself I even worried incase I wa attracted to my own mum.

 

Thank you so much for your replies! Yeah I have got a lot of anxiety, I always have. I get worried about things that mean a lot to me. It's so weird, I can see that I don't have any attraction to women, but I just worry that maybe I have lived a lie, and I didn't really fall in love before and that tortures me. I have never once felt attraction to a woman like I do with a man, with a man its hard to explain but it's like magnet, I'm drawn to them and I just go crazy about them. When I wonder if I am attracted to a female, it's none of these above, I just ask myself and I say no, and it's just like a nagging thought, but what if I was an I was unaware of it even though I feel no desire to be with her, and it can be any woman, any age, pretty much every woman I will question myself, it's like its mechanical and not natural, but with men it is, I dont ever wonder am I attracted to him, it just happens naturally before I can even think about it