Hi guys! Shawn here, 25, currently living in the UK. I've been reading this forum for quite a while, but I'm not the online type so I never made an account. This time however, I am having an issue that I need help with and I didn't know how to use the anonymous function, so I made an account. Basically I identify as gay since I started being sexual, which was around 8 years old. Coincidence or not, that was the time when I used to lodge at friends and we did some stupid, childish things back then, like simulating masturbating each other and even sucking each others genitals. Years passed by and during puberty I started fantasizing about boys. I even got to experiment sex with one guy in high school and I liked it. Porn entered the equation (actually it was there before, but not as often) and before I knew, I was masturbating up to 8 times a day watching all the porn possible (gay porn). Fast forward a few years and I'm a student that does two things: study and masturbate to porn. It didn't take long for me to act on my "fantasies" (which I then considered normal) and, not proud of it at all, I found myself having anonymous sex with older guys who I would let "abuse" me. Obviously, it was all role play, but in the end, it was unsafe sex with complete strangers and I was taking it from two sides. However, at one point, the porn didn't do it for me anymore. I was trying to masturbate as I usually did, but I would not get an erection no matter what I did. The closest thing that would seem to do something to my dick was the though of craigslist and the encounters I had, but I'm not going back there. Anyway, I started freaking out, I went to the doctor to exclude any STD or low testosterone and I'm all fine and dandy (still really thankful for this, given my escapades). A friend of mine said it's because of too much porn and gave me a link to a site that explains the dangers of porn, including erectile dysfunction. I decided to give it a try, I was busy studying anyway and didn't have anything to loose, so why not? I dropped porn entirely (still didn't look, been a few months now) and stopped jacking off. Within weeks, my erections returned slowly but surely, up to the point where I don't have problems sustaining one. Now the problem: I was at a party and this girl was sitting next to me, talking to someone. Our legs touched involuntarily and all of a sudden, I got a feeling I never had before. Felt like butterflies in my stomach and a source of heat just above the stomach, along with feeling sexual and good at the same time. Normally I would freak out when thinking about anything sexual with a girl, but this time I felt something I never felt before, as if my true nature was revealed. It did get me thinking about the past and now I'm confused. Here's why: 1. The way I know my sexual encounters with men involve anxiety and some drug-like feeling. I never felt any attraction to a man, only this desire to get an orgasm as quick as possible, more like a thrill seeking. In fact, except for an isolated incident in high school, I never kissed a guy. The one time that I did it, it didn't feel right. 2. These desires were never involuntary, but involved me fantasizing old memories and porn in order to get them going. Outside this state of being, I never considered guys to be good looking or smelling or whatever, nor did they turn me on. 3. Ever since I had that "event" at the party, my fantasies are about women only. In fact, I'm not sure if it's all in my head or not, but now whenever I think of gay sex, It's big turn-off and I get goose-bumps. Women on the other side give me an erection even if I fantasize about their eyes or nails or smile. With men, I needed true hardcore things to get me going. 4. This has been going on for a while now and even if I masturbate, the feelings keep coming back. I asked a few straight friends what they think and the way they describe libido matches exactly with what I feel now. 5. I have an idea of what might be going on, but I need some input from you guys. Fact is, I built my identity around being gay, so the thought of switching sides feels scary, but good! What's your opinion and what do I do next?:help:
In my opinion, sexuality can be very much fluid, meaning you could've been gay back then, but then your sexuality changed. (And, if I might add, this is different from conversion therapy, as you cannot control the fluidity of your sexuality, and for some people, fluidity is not present at all and they will stay with one sexuality forever) Don't be afraid to change. No one should judge you for who you are, be it gay, straight, bi, or anything else. Alternatively, you could've lost attraction to men because of some bad memories, but you mentioned that women turn you on much easier and it was difficult to get hard when it came to men, so I don't think that's entirely the case. And, you may also be heteroflexible. That basically means you're mostly straight and you get more pleasure out of straight relationships, but you're open to non-straight relationships as well. Some people don't like this label, though, and that's alright, but it's something to think about. What you should do next is to follow your desire. Ditch the label for now - if you want to go after girls, go after girls! And if someone who knew you as gay says, "But I thought you liked boys?" just shrug it off and do whatever. Give it time. It'll be clearer eventually. Good luck.
Yup, I've been back and forth with my sexuality as well. Only way for me to separate gay, straight, and bi is the sexual attraction towards either gender. Like you, older guys turn me on, especially when they dominate me. I've always thought of sexual encounters with men as a way to please them, like making them feel good. It's only older men, though which is weird. Guys my age don't arouse me to any degree. I see them as guys that I can chill and hang out with, and that's about it. For a while I thought I was gay, just because of the porn I watched and the people I like at in the real world (masculine and all), but all that didn't make sense when I got to know a girl, and suddenly being with her felt amazing! I'm not sure what my desire towards older men and their dominance feel, but I believe it has something to do with the fact that: I never really had a father that would show me how to be a man, hence the reason why I talk to my mom more since I can talk to her much more easily than my dad. Yup. Exactly how I feel towards older men, like I want to get it on with them and be done with it, then move on to the next guy. Never saw someone as "the guy I would marry". Seems very unlikely for me.
I think in the future ,and even how you should stay off porn for good . And sit back see what happens if you like girls try them if men then go try men , but don't do any of those risky sexual hook ups , try to have a healthy sex life from now on . Seems like porn influenced most of your sexual encounters and since you quit the effects are wearing off . Sounds like you also had a heavy porn addiction as well ,hence losing the ability to get an erection I've also been on a site that deals with the effects of porn addiction and there was another man who had the same problem as you . Come to think of this this happens to a lot of men with porn addiction (not all ) but a lot .
It's me again First, thanks for answering. It feels good to know has been reading to read your problem and is trying to help, you're doing a great job. However, that was not really my question... First of all, it's clear to me that all this time, I was not gay, as I didn't have any of the "symptoms" (sorry, I couldn't find a different word, maybe characteristics?) you guys talk about. I'm not attracted to guys, I don't dream of guys, I don't enjoy kissing them, I see them as sexual objects, I don't get butterflies from seeing them and so on. I don't believe in the fluid sexuality thing, so maybe that's just me, but en fin. I am sure that my porn addiction reached a lot further than that of others, but obviously the childhood things play a role too. Regarding doing what I feel, sure, I will and I want to. But you probably now, since most of you had to come out at one point, that doing something for the first time is incredibly difficult and scary. It sounds very easy to "just go and date girls", but heck, I've never been close to a girl in that way, it's foreign to me. Besides, what if she asks why I'm so clumsy? I mean, I'm not the type who would be a virgin at this age... Another problem would be my perception for sex. If I managed to stay numb to my true feelings for so many years just because of porn, you can imagine how skewed my perception of sex is. As a gay guy, it's easy to find a bunch of dirty old men willing to do things to you without needing to talk or go out for dinner, but I'm not sure that's the case for women too. And like you said, I should try and experience healthy sexuality. What's that, where do I start? It's so stressful. Any other tips, maybe something more precise?
Well, I can't say that I've had any experience with guys before ( my problem is currently more opposite of yours right now ) - but I remember being with a girl for the first time was very scary. I was nervous, unsure if I could 'pull it off.' But, everything went fine ... I think these sorts of things you just need to dive into and trust your instincts and feelings. It'll come to you ... hell, if you can perform for guys who you have never been attracted to, I'm sure you'll do great with a girl that actually fires you up. Trust yourself - go with it. I think your body knows what it's doing more than your mind does most of the time anyway ... ha. I should take my own damn advice!
