I think I'm gay, but I'm obsessed with heterosexuality

I recently went through the process of telling my girlfriend of 2 years that I am gay and that while I love her, I can't have sex with her, we can be friends and support each other through the rest of our lives. She was very helpful, hurt at first, but understanding. We are incredibly codependent and I think we both still need to go through the long process of detaching one another's personalities.

However, even as I am trying to come to terms with that strange beast within me that makes me like looking at men's penises, I cannot shake this incredible obsession with heterosexuality. I crave it. I want to hold hands with my girlfriend in marriage, then pull off her clothes and fuck her until she begs for more, as I did for the past year or so. The sense of being straight and having this incredible woman who shares nearly every aspect of my life just brings me into this amazing place. But the penis does not respond.

I have begged it numerous times to do my bidding, but it remains obstinate. I cannot force it to find her attractive the way my brain does. I look at her and see the most beautiful woman I have ever met, one whose presence makes my life heaven. We've had our ups and downs, and though I've resented her at times, I can't see a world without her. My dick just wants me to lie down and get plowed in the ass.

She recently issued an ultimatum, that we would not have sex anymore as it was harmful to the development of my acceptance of my homosexuality. However, by the end of that night, I had pulled off her clothes and ravished her. Romance is powerful, and though the orgasm takes longer to reach, sex with a woman makes me feel so good about myself. Not to mention her... I've always had an ability to effortlessly make her toes curl. The look she gives me when I've given her orgasm three times over is amazing.

I want to stay with my girlfriend, but in all circles I've turned towards, the consensus is that I'm gay and that I have to accept that. Why I would accept a life of hatred and loneliness tinged with meaningless sex is beyond me. I've found someone that I want to spend my life with, who I can give endless pleasure to, the only thing I need is a way to reliably enjoy it myself. If the mood strikes me, I can give her a good tumble, but there's no formula. Sometimes I can kiss her passionately, pull her clothes off, bare her magnificent breasts and kiss that gleaming mound of womanflesh and feel no stirring. And then comes the pounds of anger at my miserable organ for its betrayal.

I suppose the question I've asked, now that my neurotic exposition is complete, is why is it that I am so obsessed with having sex with women if I'm gay? And why then, if I am not gay, will my penis not respond? Even if I am, is there any way to make my relationship work? The answer to the last question is the one that I find the most interesting.

The inevitable answer that creeps into my head is that I will never be able to find happiness in the way that I want - with the woman that I love or with any - though I beat it back. I've tried to discuss my plight with the LGBT community within my university, but they do not have the answers I need. To appropriate a term from transpeople, I feel a very strong dysphoria against my sexuality and though I wish to change it to my liking, currently no one cares. I'm just told to accept, accept, accept, even when it feels uncomfortable to do so.

 

I personally could give a rats ass about other peoples' opinions, really. If I had no attachment to my girlfriend and I fell in love with a guy, then I would probably be with him, but I don't fall in love with guys. I've never had a crush on a man. It's all just a porn fixation in the sense that I find it hard to get off to anything other than gay porn.

However, what I want is a woman. Romantically, I want to woo a woman, fuck her, make her feel like the most amazing woman in the world. I already do this for my girlfriend, but it feels disappointing to have sex with her and not really sexually feel good about it. When my thoughts turn naughty, it's not about her, it's about some imaginary guy, no matter how hard I try to think of her. And even though while we're in the moment, it feels good, when I come it feels so empty.

And yeah, I have thought about having my girlfriend plow me in the ass, and she's expressed a desire to do so, I'm just afraid that we'll do it and it won't work and it'll cause us more issues. It's an amazingly hot idea in that I've seen a lot of porn like that, and I enjoy it, but I'm not sure if it's the guy getting plowed that I enjoy or the thought of being plowed.

Gah, I hate it so much. I feel trapped in my stupid gay body. Why can't I just enjoy my relationship on every front like every other straight couple can? It's funny because every couple around us envies us. We have sex regularly, we communicate amazingly, don't really get overly jealous (though I have had to tell some of her male friends to back off of my woman), and we genuinely enjoy each other's company. The number of my male friends that complain about their girlfriend and how much they hate everything but her tits is maddening to me. I love everything about my girlfriend except her tits! (Not true, very fun to lick and nibble and slowly drive her insane with)

I don't know if that helps at all? I confuse myself as I write. I want my girlfriend to be happy, and to make her happy in every way, and I want her to be able to make me happy in every way. The only issue there is that she can't make me happy, and I wish she could. She is an amazingly attractive woman, and fucking kinky as hell to boot. If I were straight, we would have a hell of a relationship. I'd wife that bitch tomorrow if this were fixed.

 

It was actually her who suggested the idea of pegging me. I had thought of it, but I was afraid it wouldn't work. We're going to probably try it in the near future, when we get the time to find somewhere to get one.

And yeah, obviously straight guys can get aroused by girls. I wish that were me so bad. I think the romantic love for her is what really makes my dick hard, not her body, and that feels unsustainable in the long term even though I want her so bad. We have never had any issues in the past that were so difficult we couldn't overcome them. We could always communicate through them, and I feel like this is the slow, sad death of our relationship because of my inability to find pleasure in her body.

I never really had a big deal with this until recently when I was discussing my relationship with a lesbian friend of mine, who basically told me I had to break up with her. Now I feel this incredible performance anxiety, and even if I do get a boner, I get so scared of losing it that I get this anxiety in my chest and it goes away.

Most of all, I miss the feeling of excitement when I used to drive to her house and jump into her bed and just feel so into it. And then when her pants came off and I slipped inside her it used to feel sooo good. And now it just doesn't. It feels like I have to try and it used to just come naturally. The thought of being inside a woman just drove me wild, and now it doesn't? Why isn't there medication that helps with this sort of thing? It's so frustrating!