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Well I am terribly confused

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by onlyshallow, Oct 20, 2014.

  1. onlyshallow

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2014
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    Location:
    Boston MA
    Gender:
    Female
    Here's the deal... I just joined on a whim to post this because I feel like I just need to get it out of me. I'll try to keep it clear. If you feel compelled to post, please do. It will really help me regardless of what it is you say.

    I will not break out the dreaded "HOCD" word, however, I am well aware of my irrational thought processes and anxiety driven nature. I have not been diagnosed with OCD as I have never seen someone qualified in doing just that. I do suffer from paranoia, depression, and generalized anxiety. They are not particularly severe but they are very nasty when I am in a vulnerable state. Before you tell me to see someone, I unfortunately don't have health insurance. And lastly, this is relevant information because it may contribute to my flawed thinking.

    I am a female, 21, and I've always been aware that I've wanted to be with a man. I'll spare you the details as that's pretty much set in stone as far as I'm concerned. BUT... I am deeply insecure about relationships for some reason. They never work out right or I never find what I'm looking for. Have I just dated the wrong guys? Am I expecting too much? Well, eventually that evolved into the question "am I gay"? Not only that, I crave emotional recluse in a man more so than anything. All the sexual stuff comes after that and I've found it pretty hard to blend in with my age group because of that. Not saying casual sex has never been a thing for me, but it hasn't been a memorable one.

    Unfortunately, I have been experiencing conflicting feelings that I can't reconcile. I've never particularly wanted to pursue a woman but I have played around with the sexual idea once in a while. It's never gone beyond fantasy or curiosity. There have been quite a few instances where a girl wants me, but I usually don't pick up on it until someone tells me. Otherwise I would have said something to avoid the misconception. There has also been very distressing instances where I would get stuck on a female teacher in school. This has branched off to random women I deem attractive, but I don't really get it. It makes me feel like I'm just in denial because I'm so confused.

    But... I can still find some girls attractive I suppose. I don't know what to make of it really, and it's different than being attracted to a man. Spontaneous isn't the right word, and this is where everything I mentioned before with the anxiety, paranoia, etc steps in. I get really bad intrusive thoughts of a sexual nature that I don't entertain and I've become caught in this "Am I bi/gay" cycle. I've been stuck here for years and I feel pathetic about it. Can't I just accept it and move on? Well, I can't accept it because I don't really want to be this way. I never even saw it coming. It just makes me feel weird. I feel like I get "butterflies", and everything a crush is associated with, and almost a perverted sense of being turned on, but it's also mixed with borderline panic attack feelings. It's really different than what I'm used to. Not only that, I have convinced myself countless, countless times that I'm in love with a best friend because of these automatic reactions and very... strong mental images flow through my head, and I'm sitting there like "This is it. This must be the truth." And it really messes me up. It's like I'm stuck and I can't move on. Of course, I convince myself otherwise and fall back into these cycles constantly.

    I've been trying so hard on online dating sites trying to enter a relationship but I have sadly just end up being used or not making a strong connection with men. I'm so messed up inside. I feel like I'm never going to figure this out. Maybe I'm actually gay? Everything I'm trying to do is a subconscious attempt at denial? Hell, maybe the reason why relationships are so hard for me is because I ain't even straight! :eusa_clap Good job self!

    I apologize for this being so long winded. Every time I vent it turns into a big sob story.