Hey all - New to the boards and this is my first post. I've struggled with my sexual orientation my entire life ... sometimes it's easier to stuff it all away and forget about, but a couple times a year things get stirred up and the questioning start all over again ... which causes a lot of confusion, unrest, discomfort, etc. Then it all goes back into the box until the next time ... I'm sure a lot of you here have probably asked the same thing: 'Am I gay or Straight?' Sometimes I wish someone would just TELL me ... it's so hard to do this work for yourself. All I have are all of these 'clues,' and sometimes I even get so confused that I wonder if I 'want to be gay' because its exciting, forbidden, taboo, etc. Throw the fact that it's actually becoming fashionable to be gay now, and that makes matters even more unclear. There are so many factors that complicate the question ... so many. I'd like to share some of my thoughts and experiences with you - I'd be lying if I said I don't want anyone to tell me what I am ( because that's so much easier and simpler!!! ) but I recognize that this is an inward journey and one must come to one's own ends with these sorts of things. With that being said, if you think I could be this or that, it may help me. Maybe not. I'll try to cover everything quickly ... 1. From a very young age, I don't recall having much interest in either gender. Certainly NOT girls. I suppose that might be normal, but it never felt normal to me growing up. Everyone would tease me and ask 'when are you going to get a girlfriend?' and those questions ALWAYS used to make me CRAZY uncomfortable. In fact, it embarrassed me. Any mention of girls or interest in them would make me really awkward and weird. It always felt wrong ... I don't know how else to describe it. Even as a teenager or young adult, I was always the off man out when with some of my guy friends ... as they talked about girls, porn, etc. etc. You know, nasty guy talk. Never my thing and I could never get into the conversations. 2. I had a couple of very close 'boy' friends in elementary school - and was very very close to them at different times. I wanted to run away with them. I don't recall feeling anything sexual about it, but I did remember not being interested in girls whatsoever - but did have deep, enveloping bonds with boys my age. 3. Because of the confusion around all of this, I used to pray ( I am not religious at all now, but I grew up with the Church ) and beg to God that I wasn't gay. I mean, that would have been the worst thing in the world. I was so scared - I knew something was off or wrong. I was deeply confused; I always thought I would wake up one day and magically start showing interest in the opposite sex, but it never really happened. But then, I didn't recall have strong feelings towards guys, either - at least none I was ready to admit to. Looking back now, I had more interest in them then girls ,which may or may not be indicative of anything. 4. Middle School was different. I was terrified of changing in the boy's locker room. I remember wanting to look at all the guys ( I was curious ) but I was TERRIFIED of changing. I used to avoid the locker room, where my gym clothes under my jeans, etc. I refused to change in front of them - even though it didn't seem to bother most of them. Again, this could be something .. maybe nothing. 5. I developed some really strong fetishes. Guy's socks, underwear, etc. Mostly clothing. To this day, I have in insane fetish for men's underwear ... and have a secret folder on my computer of photos of guys in their underwear ... occasionally I delete it for fear of it being found, but I've always had one and used it to masterbate to on occasion. I have never had any interest in women's clothing in this way at all - or photos of women at all. Also, wearing men's clothing makes me feel really, really good ... highly sexualized. Sox, underwear, hoodies ... anything that makes me feel like a guy or close to one. It's weird. I also find guys more attractive physically - without question. Bone structure, form, etc. I can tell you all the things I love about a guy's physique WAY EASIER and quicker than I can about a women's. 6. I was always terrified that I wouldn't be able to be sexual active with a girl. When I was 18, I finally found my first girlfriend - and I actually LOVED it! She was very cute and I was attracted to her. We kissed once, but that was about it. It didn't last long. It was after that when I realized that I could pull off a 'normal' relationship and I was very RELIEVED. I could get into it; it worked, it was fun. I enjoyed, it too. 7. I do find some women physically attractive - but not all. I don't really care for seeing women without their shirts off, or whatnot .. I'm just not that into them in that way. I mean, I can appreciate a hot girl and get turned on - but it doesn't seem to be the same with guys. ( Case and point, my secret folder on my computer never has girls in it at all ). I never stop to look at girl models in clothing flyers in the mail, and am always curiously looking at the guys and finding that much more enjoyable. Always has been that way .. I can get excited now just thinking about it. Hands down, without question, I find certain guys more physically attractive then women. Not sure about genitalia ... I'm on the fence with that one. I'm not really wild about the idea of sex with a man in that way - but again, I have no experience with that sort of thing - but the idea always was off putting to me. Then again, sex with girls works and I can do it - but I've never been crazy sex fiend for it. In terms of that, my sex life has been kind of 'take it or leave' it with women. I get turned on and I can totally do it - I love it, but ... I dunno. I've learned to appreciate it - and I know that sounds forced, but it isn't. Truly. 8. I'm married now, 12 years, and have a child. We have a happy marriage, nothing wrong with it , but I HATE that fact that I might be living a lie and no being completely honest with myself. Whenever I think about the idea that I might be gay, I get all excited, heart-pumping, a little dizzy, etc .... but then ... all I have to do is think about being with some unattractive male ... I try it all on for size in my head, and then it all gets snuffed out. I get disgusted with myself, tell myself NO WAY, eww , gross ... never. So it goes back and forth like that ... it's such a confusing thing. So confusing. I don't walk around a lust-fiend, either. It's all so private ... I don't necessarily drool when I see a cute guy --- or a cute girl. I dunno. It's all so strange. I do know that even typing 'cute guy' gets me way more exciting then typing 'cute girl.' Gahh ... this is all so confusing for me. Anyway, thanks for reading - I know this was a lot. I've been wrangling with this my entire life - and I just want to feel true to who I am. But the clues are confusing and inconsistent. I'm not really content with being called 'bi-sexual' but maybe that's what I am. I just don't know ... Any input would be helpful. Or, maybe not .. haha!
Well, if you're genuinely happy with the relationship you're in now you certainly aren't living a lie! It's funny, seems like you've been in the same situation I've been in. It's confusing, isn't it? 1. Some guys just don't over-sexualize things as much as most do. So you see women as actual people! Whoo! I can't stand discussing women as objects either, I still like 'em, and clearly you do as well. 2. You had genuine, actual friends. Congrats, they're pretty rare. When you have friends that close it can become something almost romantic (not necessarily in a sexual way), even for someone who's straight. 3. OK, so you were a little homophobic. Nearly impossible not to be when you grow up in the church - also, you mention that you did feel that something was "off". Usually correct. 4. I bet that the way most boys joke around in the locker room is their way of covering up the awkwardness of the situation. Some people just can't "man up" and jock their way out like that. 5. OK, yeah, definitely strong sexual attraction to guys right there. 6. OK, so you are at least romantically attracted to women. 7. Sexuality is weird. Many people feel far more sexually attracted to someone they're close to (a girlfriend / wife certainly counts) 8. No, you're not living a lie! If you're in a happy relationship, that's good enough to be genuine! Think about this - would you be living a lie if you just found some other women attractive? Nope, everyone deals with finding people other than their partner attractive. It's just something you have to deal with (depending on your beliefs regarding relationships) My take - OK, you don't like the word bisexual, and that's fine - check this out! Maybe it will help somehow. If you have too much trouble placing yourself on there, someone even made a test to place you on the Kinsey scale. Just take it with a grain of salt - I took the test and got an X - it had no idea what I was
