Hey all - Will keep this short as I am exhausted, mentally and physically. Long story short, been battling with sexual orientation for a long time now ... 20 years ... and tonight had a conversation with a good friend and we were discussing the subject and homosexuality, etc. - we were getting deep into it when suddenly, seemingly from out of nowhere, my body started reacting to a tremendous energy ... felt it in my heart, my groin, everywhere ... near put me into a 20 minute panic attack the energy was so strong ... felt very liberating but also terrifying, as if a damn just got released and it might drown me ... almost as if something old woke up in me. Total body experience ... I have never felt like that before. Almost like I could throw up if it were much stronger. I ended up stuffing it back down. Couldn't handle a ton of it. Anyway, recovering and feeling stable now. Sorry if this sounds dramatic but wow ... what an unleashing of energy ... very scary ... but damn, it also felt tremendous. Can anyone relate or am I crazy?
Can't say I've ever felt that but I don't think you're crazy. Sounds like a case of nerves. A big one but you sound like you survived it.
I can't say I have, but when you are discussing something that is very personal to you - something that has been suppressed for so long - it's hardly surprising that you may have an involuntary reaction like this. I don't think it's crazy at all. What is most interesting is that everything started to happen as the conversation moved ever deeper. Was there maybe an unconscious desire to finally release what has been hidden for so long? Was your body telling your mind something? Sometimes these things happen. Just out of interest, how did the conversation continue and what sort of vibe did you get from your friend about homosexuality?
Well, this seems to be exactly the same type of feeling I had when I had my catalyst moment which begun my journey concluding when I accepted being gay. I was a bar, got hit on by another guy (it was actually a few guys but one was leading the charge), and I had a very similar rush of energy. For me, it was an awakening.
Thanks for the replies Patrick - we were discussing something homoerotic and out of nowhere my body just responded and I got incredibly aroused and then probably for the first time ever I 'allowed' myself to feel it ... And then my whole body started buzzing and then I went into a full anxiety attack. The problem I've always think I've had around most of this is that my mind will constantly get in the way and try to snub or negate and feelings I might have around this stuff ... Been doing that my entire life ... So last night really felt like my body was releasing all sorts of repressed energy around if all ..... Who knows. Maybe means everything, maybe nothing .... But it was very strong. USUK - that's exactly what this felt like! Like my body totally just took the drivers seat, regardless of what my mind wanted to say or think. Still sitting with this ... It feels so right and so good and so clear one moment, then in the next I'm saying to myself 'no, no ... It didn't mean anything. It's not true. This is all wrong'
Lostboy, it took me another five months from when I had that rush to finally accept for myself who I am. There was a lot of back and forth in my own head. All I know now - I absolutely came to the right conclusion and I am all the better for it. What a rush it was!
Wow,yeah. This totally felt like a rush of feelings around everything - a rush of emotional and sexual energy combined ... The wave was so strong it almost felt like it could destroy me - but it also felt good, too... To just let my body fully 'feel' something without being policed by my mind ( which would surely have run through everything and convince me that I'm NOT that and here's all the reasons) And I'm totally not big on this type of stuff. I'm usually the skeptic and would probably raise a brow if someone told me this happened to them ... So it's been weird.
