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Inside my head

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by smiles30, Oct 23, 2014.

  1. smiles30

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Boston, MA
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Here goes nothing...

    I am trying to figure out my head and thought that maybe writing it out and getting some feedback could be helpful.

    Where to start...

    I guess the best way to sum up my current state of mind is that I am attracted to women, always have been, but date men. I experimented a little bit with women in late high school/early college, but haven't explored same sex relationships or intimacy since then. I kinda thought that was behind me. I honestly hadn't really entertained the idea until a few months after I got out of my last (2 year) relationship.

    I now wonder if I wasn't being honest with myself. My family is conservative and that definitely doesn't help. Most of my close friends assume I am straight and have no knowledge of the experimentation etc. It probably doesn't help that I have dated men exclusively for the past 10 or so years and also am not one to openly talk about sex for the most part. I am also not super open about personal things. I did disclose my attraction to women recently to an older gay friend. I can't even bring myself to disclose it to my therapist. She asked me the other day if I am ready to date again, and I am, the only thing is I think I may want to date a woman... It's all very confusing for me. The past two guys that I have been in long term relationships with I thought I loved, but something was always missing. I am starting to wonder if I was only dating men because that was what was expected and what I feel like I am "supposed to" do.

    This resurfacing of feelings has been going on for a while now. I guess I am trying to figure out how to explore these feelings. And how to be honest with myself. Am I gay? Am I bi? Am I just curious? Have I just not met the right guy? Am I just intrigued by having a fairly close lesbian friend? This all brings me back to high school. The first girl I realized I might like was a close friend who was openly gay, and I guess I was kinda fascinated by it. Could that be all this is? The truth is, I don't really check out men. I don't like being asked my opinions on the physical attractiveness of men. I would much rather look at naked women than naked men. I just don't really know what this all means..

    Thanks for listening :slight_smile: Any advice, feedback, support is greatly appreciated.
     
  2. bi2me

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    It sounds like we are in a similar situation, although I'm a few years older and in a marriage with kids. I experimented a small amount with girls in HS (mostly my bestie), and when I saw her again this summer on a trip (first time we had spent that much time together in 20 years) I realized I still had really strong feelings for her. She is bi, and although I had "decided" I was bi in HS, I never really owned it b/c I was dating my now husband and never thought about it again.

    I'd take the time to date around and figure out what you really want (whether men, women, both, neither) before you settle down (if that's your ultimate goal). I wish I had done more of that, even though I'm generally happy with my destination.

    Don't know if that helps, but good luck, and try to have fun and not stress too much!
     
  3. FancyGummy

    Full Member

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    Well, you're certainly on your way to figuring something out. The thing is, people tend to put way too much emphasis on factors other than attraction. If you're sexually attracted to the same sex, but not others, you're gay! Simple as that. Not saying you are - I don't want to jump to conclusions. What I'm trying to say is that you should stop worrying about weather external factors are influencing things (other than fear, because fear can influence everything). Your sexual orientation has nothing to do with anything else. It isn't an indicator of your "lifestyle" or your personality, it's just what it sounds like.

    Step #1: Drum up the courage to say something to your therapist. You know what I did? I just casually mentioned something about it as I left. No need to discuss it further right then. I immediately felt more confident of myself afterwards, and by the next time I saw the therapist I was ready to talk more.