How do you tell the difference between the two? I'm trying to figure out if I'm using certain mental tactics to avoid accepting a potential attraction to women. I just want to move on and be done with it at this point- it's like a monkey on my back. I have a fear that I have mental blocks that are preventing me from getting over this and coming to some kind of closure. I guess the only way I can describe it to you is like I'm at a fork in the road, and no matter what path I choose, I end up at the same fork all over again. Ever since this questioning started. No progress has ever been made in the past 6 years or so since I had that lurking suspicion that I'm not as straight as I thought I was. I'm just so freakin' tired of it.
I can relate... Looking back, I spent 20 years trying not to accept being a lesbian, even though over that time, I dated several women, it was still something I couldn't accept... it's only recently that I am coming to terms with it.
Thanks for sharing that- I imagine it's not super easy to talk about. Denial is confusing to me because for some people, it manifests much like yours did- a person's actions really represent what they want, but they are not ready for that introduction to their new self. Whereas some people never even make it past the mental stage of repression and convince themselves they're something they're not. All the while they are experiencing the sensation of something "missing"... I am really worried I am one of those people. I have experiences that contribute to that feeling but it's hard to tell why or if they are even relevant experiences.
I think it's something you have to be ready for... I've only told a few people, so I guess I'm not completely there yet either... but at 39, I have finally reached a point that I want to be. Good luck!
I would have these disturbing images pop into my head where I would basically (and I'm generalizing this quite a bit) want to rape guys with the right body. Who they were was not my concern; as long as they had the right physical features I would do what people in porn basically do. I thought that's who I was and so I thought that was reality; it made me think I was gay. Today, on the bus, there was this macho guy who sat next to me and I felt extremely anxious and very tempted to grope him and basically violate him. No desire to "get to know him" for a LTR. Terrible, right? Exactly why I felt so guilty; but I knew one thing: I would NEVER do that in real life. It would hurt me and the victim, like "wtf were you thinking?!" And I can't imagine what that person would be going through. Quite traumatic I would imagine. I hate seeing people in pain. The opportunity presented itself, and now I know I won't do it. That's my reality. I won't deny these disturbing thoughts, but I know thoughts alone dont have every reason for me to determine my sexuality. It basically didn't feel right. It doesn't matter who you are attracted to, but you'll know it when you get that certain feeling; it feels right.
I understand how you feel because I've been there before, and eventually it became mind consuming. To the point where it literally made me physically ill. I think in order to get closure, you need to verbally admit your attraction to women while you are alone, in the bathroom mirror. Crazy, I know, but seeing your reaction to what you have admitted to yourself will speak volumes. For me, I laughed, because it good and genuine. I've also been down the fork in the middle of the road path, and without ever making any progress, it eventually became exhausting. I was doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result in the end. And that's one quick way to drive yourself insane. You're going to have to make a decision, by changing your path, and you can start by taking baby steps. It may seem like a leap, but for me, it was signing up for a dating website, where I would only exclusively seek women. My next step was to go to a gay club, which I accomplished with the help of very good friends. Your progress of acceptance is obviously going to be different than mine, but I just want you to know that you're not alone. A lot of us here were where you are today. I just want you to know that things can and will change, you just have to make a bit more effort, although I know that it is difficult. It only took me 5-6 years, so I think you're at a good start
That's basically my life. If I let it get out of control, I start having sexual thoughts about everyone and everything. It explodes into a kind of neurosis. That really made me think I have a bigger issue. I'm a deeply romantic person so the sexual feelings and attraction usually comes with me getting to know a guy, due to some caution I take with trust and openness. It's weird because at this moment there is a guy who is newly single that I want to be with. He's incredible. It's a very emotional thing for me. But going through this makes me very insecure about the whole thing. Like, am I being genuine? Should I even consider being with this guy while I'm having these doubts? Is that even fair? I've done that countless times. I've even come out on internet forums to see what would happen. I've told several friends I think I might be bi, but it never sticks... It just feels forced. And then I start all over again trying to figure out it out. I have found one label recently that describes me in a way I've never felt is accurate by other terms- demisexual. I thought it was hilarious at first, but it really clicks with me. Not 100% but enough to consider it.
I'm a mess over this and have been for years; seems like I tuck this issue away every couple years and then it creeps back in and then I'm off ruminating again, driving myself insane ... obsessive over whether I'm gay or not. It can be extremely frustrating, and worst of all, can feel completely futile ... but it's infinitely unsettling to think that you've been in denial of who / what you might really be ... but is it all in you head? Are you deluding yourself? Is there truth in it? It can be very cyclic and answers can be unclear - especially when the mind is involved. The mind will lie to you ... but then, it's hard to trust your body / gut solely, too. I'm currently in this process again lately. I too have 'had enough' and just want it all to be solved. If I'm gay, let me be gay so I can just move on with myself / my life! I'm at the point where there's a part of me that very strongly 'wants' to admit I'm gay - I'm not sure where that comes from. Is it because of all the evidence, or because I feel it in my marrow, or because it's trendy and I want to feel 'special' or something? No answers seem to come, so the process just keeps going around and around and around and around and around ... Point is, I know what you're going through. I wish I could help you ... but I can't even help myself. I think I'll probably just tuck this away again after I reach my over-saturation point ... and then maybe it'll come back to haunt me again and I'll start all over again ... So Exhausting.
Exactly. This is exactly it. I hate that you're going through this, but I hope with enough time, this is something we can get through. Everything is so logical/rational for me. And I enjoy that aspect of life. But this? It's like I'm stuck, forever
Sorry OnlyShallow ... I know how you feel only too well. I'm actually going to try to talk this out with a professional soon ... I need to get to the end of this road this time; I'm tired of the question! Have you ever thought of doing that? May not help or be for everyone ... but might not be a bad idea to talk with someone. I'm going to try, see how it goes ...
I have, but I don't really have the money to do something like that. I have a laundry list of other things I need to work through that have happened in my life as well. Someday...
