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Just fantasy or real?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by lostboy78, Oct 24, 2014.

  1. lostboy78

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    Hey all - updating my post here a bit from a few days ago. Would love some opinions on whether I may be gay or not ...

    I can get turned on by girls, can have sex with them, enjoy it, etc. I've been with three girls romantically in my life, currently married for 12 years. Never been that interested in the female body. I have learned to appreciate them and I can find a girl 'hot' now. Breasts do absolutely nothing for me, never have. I like girls well enough, but I've never masterbated to the thought of a girl or a girl's body.

    Growing up, I wasn't interested in girls or guys. My entire sexuality was fetish-based. I was terrified that I might have been gay since I wasn't really into anything. I do remember being interested in guy's in middle school, but it was a 'puppy-love' 'crush' kind of thing that I don't think I realize was happening at the time. didn't think much of it at the time. Again, it was mostly around 'boyishness' that drew me in ... and the clothes they wore.

    When I go to the beach, its the guy's that catch almost all of my attention. ( guys with their shirts off, etc. - women do not interest me in that way ) When I look at a clothing flyer, or go to a department store, it's the guy's that I look at. Pictures, clothing, etc. Woman have never interested me in that way - never, even though I can appreciate a girl's form and it is possible to get aroused by them, they are a distant second.

    My sexual fantasies are centered around guys in their underwear - I have a crazy men's underwear fetish - always the first place I go to in a store - can't help myself. I have a stash of photos of guys in their underwear that I have masterbated to ( although its the object that is the center of the fantasies - but the rest is nice, too ) Once, a long time ago, I wanted to buy a PO Box so that I could secretly subscribe to a gay youth magazine because I loved looking at the pictures so much - but never did.

    Currently, my fantasies revolve around my wife cheating on me with another guy. Huge turn on for me for some reason - it's insane. It's all I ever think about, and when I fantasize about it, it's always in the POV of my wife and what she's doing to pleasure him. Never the other way around. This one has nearly destroyed my sex life with my wife ... it's all I never want to fantasize about - her screwing with another dude. Makes me absolutely crazy.

    Physically, the male form excites me wayyy more than a females. But since I've lived / gotten used to a hetero lifestyle for so long, the thought of being with a guy in real life sometimes feels very wrong - like, turn-off, disgust wrong. ( when I imagine being with an average, normal guy - if it's a hot guy of my fantasies, I can get into that more ) So confusing. I have all these strong signs, and yet, all I have to do is think up some unattractive scenario and it all just washes away. Could this be just some kind of fantasy with no basis in reality?

    The other night I was discussing this with a close friend and she started joking around about me 'sucking a dick' which at first was awkward / weird ... and then I started getting aroused at the thought of it - my body just responded without thought ... and then suddenly had this crazy surge of emotional energy for 20 minutes and then a panic attack. It was so odd. Then it past, and now I'm back in rumination / confusion mode.

    What do you think? Gay, straight? I have this very strong feeling that I 'want to be gay' and would be disappointed to learn I am not ... isn't that weird? Who the hell would 'want' to be gay? It was the last thing I ever wanted growing up, but now the thought of being 'gay' turns me on and I get a weird buzzing sensation throughout my body ... so weird - but then it's gone when I consider the reality of it all.

    Thanks for reading - would love your thoughts!
     
    #1 lostboy78, Oct 24, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2014
  2. lostboy78

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    Sorry I know this post is super long ... anyone out there have any thoughts?
     
  3. zygnomic

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    This is very dicey and I'm not entirely sure how to approach it but, from my point of view i would think that maybe you are Gay or at the least Bisexual. You clearly are not that sexually attracted towards women, but are you emotionally? Also, you seem to sexually attracted towards men, do you have any gay friends, and/or are emotionally attached to men?
     
  4. lostboy78

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    I think I may be more emotionally attracted towards women, but physically more attracted to men. I dunno though, you know? I've never been with a guy ... so I have no idea what that would feel like. I might love it ... might not. No answers ... only questions upon questions ... OCD strikes again! haha!

    Thanks so much for responding.