I'm older so I remember all the mumbo jumbo that has gone around about how the absence of a mother or father figure might make one gay, blah blah. We can't deny, however, that our parents have had a tremendous influence on who we are. So I'd like to ask...which were you closer to? Mama or Daddy? How has this imprinted you, sexually or otherwise? Both my parents are now deceased. Father when I was 14 and mother passed in 1991 when I was not quite 28. I was closer to my mother because my daddy was a bad, sad alcoholic. Lots of intimacy issues (he was a Mama's boy but over shadowed by a golden older brother.) He alternated between complete verbal and physical cruelty to blubbering guilt, showering us with gifts. I can remember as a child watching him beat the ever loving shit out of my brother, who is ten years my senior. My mother was what you might call an enabler. She probably also spurred his alcoholism by being a completely needling, judgmental person. After he passed I at 14 had to be her mental caretaker, listening to paranoid ideas that he'd hired some other drunk to kill her, being made privy to the fact he had left us with absolutely no money, having let the insurance payments lapse. I have to hand it to her, though. She was the queen of melodrama but in between the late late show she got a job and put food on the table. We were poor but no longer had a raging drunkard in the house. That was something. When I got old enough to date I staged a few melodramas of my own, boo-hooing over my sad childhood, playing it to the hilt until I realized dudes really don't want gals bursting into tears after coitus. I grew up. I "got over" my bad childhood, and I stayed close to my mother, caring for her exclusively when she got Cancer. My bother and sister were about as useful as tits on a bull. Now when I look back I think...definite mistrust of men, but not pathological. I tend to react very emotionally like my mother, but I recoil into a shell just as quickly. I vigorously protect young people from pain because I don't want them to feel what I did. I over compensate. I let people run over me at times. I am working on that. Sexually I am only just now exploring how it might have affected me. Am I finally in my waning years giving up the idea of a good man (for me at least?) I still find men very attractive, usually lost souls like my Daddy was. But women...particularly child-like, searching, timid women really get to me. It's like a mirror, you know? How about you?
My father isn't mentally stable. He was horrible to me, and nice to me. It was hard to decide how to view him. I didn't find out till my mother started to seperate from him that he raped my sister for many years when she was young. So even though I still perceived him as my father, he's been ostracized from the family and will remain that way. Fuck him. However my mother is INCREDABLE! And I talk to her almost every day ^.^
This is a bit of what came first, the chicken or the egg. I am gay, hence I was bound not to get along with my mother; or, I have serious mother issues given how I was raised and as a result I am gay? I was definitely born gay, and the fact that I have the cliched mother issues is nothing more than coincidence in my mind.
Same. My father certainly tries, but he is a product of a conservative, abusive family, which shows in how he has raised me and my brother. He's misogynistic, homophobic, racist, and he starts fights with my mother fairly often. I am much closer to my mother than I am to my father.
That's aggravating. Why do people have to be like that? It affects everyone involved so much. My father is a heroin addict and hasn't really been in my life. I've always felt like I need him to be here but he just won't give up the addiction. So my mother would pretty much tell me how bad men suck, how they will only hurt you, etc... and as much as I knew why she was saying that, I do believe it gave me a lot of fear and foundation for putting up walls.
I'm so sorry to hear that. I can understand what you say about your mother, though-- I've grown up afraid that, if I'm straight, I'll marry a man that's like my father. Sometimes I'm afraid that that fear has made me (wrongly) think that I'm gay.
My dad's an adulterer that I haven't spoken to in years and my mother drives me to the brink of insanity almost every day with her obsession for me to be perfect. Whether or not that has anything to do with me being gay is anyone's guess.
Growing up I was always closer to my dad - I was the tomboy of the house and we bonded over sports and fishing and whatnot. My mom had a lot of mental issues to work through, and was closer with my sisters who are a bit more feminine. When I was 19 or they split up, and on a day-to-day basis I'm closer to my Mom, mostly because she's alone and I feel responsible for making sure she's okay. My dad remarried, and has more going on in his life, so I don't talk to him as often. But he's the one i confide in if I feel the need to do so, and although he's blunt with his opinion when he gives it, he's also supportive and non-judgmental. So I guess I'm a Daddy's girl.
Snever2late, my very good friend who is a lesbian had a great relationship with her daddy. She is very much a tomboy, used to work on cars with him, etc. She definitely thinks of him as a deity of sorts. Oh lawsa, ChameleonSoul, my mama was the same way! As the baby of the family she relied on me as the last she could depend on. Whenever I did anything independent she would totally freak out. I remember changing my major from journalism to theatre, omg you would have thought the world ended. But when I started to get awards in theatre she was right there basking like a proud parent. I kinda resented that. I mean, if you only love me when I am in the sun then...well...pooh on you, mama! It's sounding like our parents did not imprint our sexuality but they certainly complicated our journey. I love you all!
That's exactly what I do, 110%. I'm more accepting of a lot of things because I've been through those situations I don't want to see people going through the exact same thing. I can sympathize with those individuals more. Wow, couldn't put it in a better way. Sometimes when I find men attractive, I think that maybe I'm so "attracted" to them because I want an ideal father; one that is masculine and can show physical dominance in the family. We'd assume that, right? That the dad is suppose to be the dominant one in the relationship in the family, while the mom stays home and nurtures the young ones until they're old enough to be on their own. To be honest I think I've looked at my life too ideally, or as your put it "a mirror" for what I want. I'm closer to my mom simply because she's a good listener and I talk a lot (much like my dad). It's also a reason why I can talk to my mom more than my dad, because my dad's personality and mines are very similar, to the point where all we do is argue with each other. Casual conversations are seldom. That's our main form of "communication". Not only that, but ALL of my cousins are girls (yup, all 10 of em). If there's any reason for me to act feminine, it be that. What do you think? I think it's because girls (women more specifically) are really good at listening and talking about problems verbally. You don't hear guys talking it out as much as women do (although, there are other ways for guys to "let it out"). I think it's stereotypical to say that guys will keep their problems inside, and act like they're tough on the outside. They don't prefer to show any kind of weakness, but the truth is that everyone has a weak point.
This is very intereating Tallu. I've been thinking a bit about my dad lately. He passed away in '06 and I miss him. He was a real gentle man and I've been thinking he may have inadvertently taught me how to treat women. One thing he did was he always walked on the curb side of the sidewalk, switching as we crossed the street to always be on the outside. It was probably for safety but I always fancied it was a holdover from when people threw their waste out of second storey windows - so he'd get dirty but we wouldn't. (Yes, I know that was before our time). Anyway, I was always more like him - studious, quiet, a thinker and a reader. My parents had a great marriage and even today my mom notes how she lucked out with my dad hearing all the complaints her friends have about their various husbands. Boring, stuck in their ways, headstrong. He would have done anything for anybody. And let you do whatever even at his expense. I do get along with my mom, slightly better than my siblings do, probably because I'm quite like him but we've always been fine. She was a super relaxed mom growing up and never pressured us or butted in to anything vaguely social - although I think she would have liked me to have been a bit more outgoing like my sister. All that being said, I'm not sure how he would have taken his "news" about me but I do know if he had even the smallest problem about it, I would never have known about it because he loved me unconditionally. Crap. That hit a nerve. Anyway, thanks for letting me have a few minutes with me old dad again.
I would like to say that I am questioning my sexuality I guess, but it is a complicated questioning. at least to me, but I have been closer to my mom as I was growing up. I wasn't athletic and my dad always pushed me to do better in sports. I enjoyed playing,but didn't like all the nagging. I was tired of never being good enough so I pushed my dad away I guess. I feel like a bad son from time to time about it. but I have been away from home for a little over two years as I went to college out of state. Since being here most of the things I wouldn't do because my dad pushed me to do have started to have a better appeal to me if people aren't pushing me to do something. Growing up I have always found a strong physical admiration to men that were really fit, but I have always wanted to date a girl, kiss a girl and all of that. I never really had a friend growing up so I was socialized by my mom since my dad stopped trying. I think how we are socialized plays a large role in our lives. I am not saying that environment plays 100% in our orientation, but I think it plays some role. The longer I stay away from my parents and hang out with my friends in college the more I seem to become my own person and I have shifted the amount I see "attractive men" to a lesser degree and I have started to think about a relationship with a woman more and more, but I still am not certain who I am, but I am learning slowly, but surely.
@himmpaul2014 I can relate to you very well. My dad always nags me to do things, and I basically (and I am generalizing this quite a bit) tell him to fuck off. My mom, on the other hand, doesn't force me to do things as much as my dad does. She knows I don't like being nagged, so she rarely does it. I want to be on my own. Socializing is a great point that you're bringing up. The fact that I was always around females is a pretty good reason as to why I'm able to talk a lot with girls. Doesn't matter how they look, I've talked to a lot of women. I still talk to guys, and hang out with them a lot as good friends, but whenever I see the dominant "father figure" I've gotten aroused and desired to have sexual relations with them. This bothers me a bit, because it really makes me wonder "What is the reason that I want these types of guys?". I'm not attracted to guys in a relationship sense, yet I like those guys physically. Do you ever feel like you could be like them? Dominant, buff, show people that you are strong? It's good to see that you're making progress. Nice to see that someone is also going through the same thing I am.
I'm not very close to my biological mom or dad... Growing up, I was a "Daddy's girl", then around 2-3 years ago, my mom and I started to have a somewhat better relationship... I don't think my parents had a "tremendous" influence on me, because I wasn't solely around them while I was young (I also didn't care for how they were... Not always the best people)... I spent time between their home, my godparents (my godmother was my heart), and my maternal grandparents. Constantly shuffling. Which explains why I don't have personality traits or views that are all that similar to any of them.
I had issues with the way the Mom was growing up. She had a lot of problems, but now that she is gone, it is hard and confusing. It is just shy of 2 years since she died.
I am closer to my mom. With my dad, and this wasnt anything that he did or said, but i felt like i had to be perfect. It was just the completely absurd idea that i got into my head. Being the perfect child has had some problems on me. I dont have a good relationship with him anymore. We can still talk, but its not like it used to be when i was younger.
@Jax12 for me it doesn't have to be a father figure, but more of what society sees as the "alpha Male" I just want to understand why I like that, but don't want anything else from that. I would love to just figure out what it is because it isn't all the time. Part of thinks it might just be wanting to prove to them that they are wrong about who I am to get them to shut up because I got crap for it, but I am unsure. I put up another thread with an update on my "progress" earlier. I hope that you can figure out why you think the way you think about these things. I feel that other thread might be of use for this discussion since we are so similar.
