It has only been a month or two since posting last, but I still haven't made a lot of progress on my sexual orientation discovery, but this is what I have noticed. I don't have much self-esteem at all and most days I really hate who I am as a whole not just with my sexual orientation confusion. Some days I feel really confident in who I am as a person, as a whole, and on those days I feel that I am straight. On days I feel less confident/average I feel that I can sometimes be gay or bi sexual. When I look into the possibility of being gay I just think that I am not gay. Sometimes when I think about men as more attractive than women I feel that those thoughts are incredibly intrusive and that I shouldn't be having them. While other days I will that it is okay it doesn't really mean anything it doesn't matter. Sometimes my thoughts can flip mid day and while in the morning I will find only women attractive later on I might start noticing men as more attractive and when that happens it usually seems more intrusive. I feel happier when I think women are more attractive. like my life makes more sense. when I find men more attractive I feel down on myself like its not suppose to be who I am. but this could be because of society, but it might just be internal only. I don't know if I am straight like i think I am suppose to be, bi sexual like I might be or gay like I sometimes wonder if I am. I also don't know if this happens to be HOCD. :bang:
This link was very helpful to me: http://www.ocdla.com/blog/sexual-orientation-hocd-gay-ocd-treatment-1010# You know, I think a lot of us on here struggle with orientation OCD. There are so many subtypes of it, too ... I think the takeaway for me is that the confusion about orientation itself has absolutely nothing to do with your orientation; it's just a cyclical ruminating process that keeps perpetuating itself on an endless loop ... hence, the OCD of it all. A lot of professionals seem to say that if you are confused about your orientation, then the problem isn't really your orientation at all, but the obsessing on it that is the root problem. Not very helpful in terms of solving the 'issue,' but I think the real issue, if there is one, is the worry and obsessing about it for hours and days on end. In my experience, that type of thinking has yielded ZERO results, and I've been doing it for over 25 years now. Something to think about. I believe this follows under the 'definition of insanity,' which of course as they say is repeating the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
I may have HOCD as well, since I'm always jumping back and forth between my sexuality. Sometimes I feel straight, sometimes I don't. I'm going to talk to a therapist about it and see where it leads to. One thing I noticed though, is that there a couple key differences between HOCD and gay: - HOCD: You have these sexual thoughts about the same gender, and you keep asking yourself "why do I have these thoughts?" And it bothers you. Rather than realizing you have these thoughts, you keep thinking about the possibility that you could be gay, simply because you have these thoughts. You're not comfortable with identifying yourself as gay because you know you are not attracted to guys in terms of a relationship. - Gay: You are attracted to guys. You want a relationship with them because you are physically, emotionally, and romantically attracted to them. You want to date guys because you get a tingly sensation when you're with a guy. You ARE NOT gay just because you stare at a guys bulge: you are not gay because you like dick more than vagina; you are not gay because you want to have sex with them; you are gay because the relationship you seek is with guys.
Lost boy thank you for that link. I will look into that when I get time. I have been rather busy with college life. I would say that when I don't think about it at all I notice women more often. Not always but most of the time. If I for a moment start a doubt it just gets out of hand and its three days later or something before I stop. Jax12 I hope that you figure out your dilemma As far as the gay not gay thing. I guess that goes into romantic, vs physically attracted and how you can be anywhere on the spectrum in both areas. you can be straight in your physical attraction to someone, but you are bi romantic or something of that nature. obviously you can be any variation of each thing. do you guys think that environment plays into sexuality or romantic attraction to people. Not saying that you can just choose to be straight, bi, or gay, just that how you were raised can influence your preferences even without you knowing it?
It's probably a really complex answer when you consider how many different things go into making us who we are. I personally think that environment can influence who we are attracted to to a certain degree. It also depends on what kind of person we are and if we unconsciously let that direct us or not. At a young developing age, we are susceptible to many suggestions about who we should be. Some of us fit easily into that mold and others do not. Some people forge their own path and follow it. So I guess my thesis would be- it is highly dependent on the person and their circumstances.
