I'm 34, I'm gay married, but I still am struggling to understand my sexuality. I am attracted to men, but I hate nearly all forms of gay sex. The basis of my self-identification as gay is in that I attracted to men and that I enjoy to perform fellatio. Yet I do not like to receive fellatio. I do not enjoy giving or receiving anal sex. I have difficulties replying to a question as to whether I am a top or a bottom. I enjoy masturbation, and I enjoy giving blow jobs. That is it. I did try to enjoy anal sex for a while. It never turned me on, but I found it tolerable when I experimented with it in my early 20s. It was during an expermintal period that I met my future husband. I was a bottom at the time. For a few months, I reall tried to get into it. But that was doomed to be short-term, lasting a couple of months. We became close friends, but sexual chemistry never again really has figured into our relationship. Ten years later, we are still together. It's comfortable. We're close. But we're not sexual. And I have no interest in returning to my experimentation with anal sex. Meanwhile, I find that my private fantasies have shifted. I fantasize more and more about three-ways involving another guy and a girl. I like the idea of a cuckolding scenario, where I am married to a woman who cheats on me with a guy, and might force me to engage in oral sex with her lover. This fantasy has a lot of salience for me. I feel out of place as a gay man who does not enjoy most forms of gay sex. Now I compound that confusion with these fantasies that involve women. I know that many guys who have similar fantasies identify as bisexual or even straight. And here I am, married but really unsure if I am truly gay or something else altogether. Sexual identity is so confusing. I can't imagine ever really jumping ship on my marriage as a result of my confusion, but I am nonetheless sexually unsatisfied and often wishing that I were with a female partner. It gets more complicated than this, but I'll cut off here for now. I mostly wanted to let something out of my system that I have been having inner dialog with myself about for several years now.
