I feel like I woke up gay all of a sudden. Is that even possible? I'm 23 years old and I thought I was straight. But feelings and emotions have never been easy for me. I have anger issues, since I was a kid. School was a horrible time for me... people kept saying I was a bully when all I did was... well, I don't know... Anyway, I got help around the age of 20. I'm still "hot-headed", as they like to say, but it's been a while since I had any rage attacks. I feel better when it comes to emotions and such, but it's still difficult to be open about it. So, it's easier for me to come here, to this forum, and "talk" about this. Like I said, I feel like I just woke up gay. I only had one girlfriend (we started dating a few weeks after I started my "therapy"), but it didn't go well. She said I have a lot of trouble when it comes to affection and maybe we shouldn't have started dating so early. She said I should go on with the therapy and maybe later we could try again. I guess therapy is working, because now I have this group of 6 friends (none of them have anger issues though) and we've been friends for two years now. They're all straight guys (two of them have long-term relationships) except for one, who's gay. But recently, a new guy came along. He's an old friend of this group of guys, but he was studying abroad. This guy is the source of my problem. They told me he was also gay and after I met him I thought they were pulling my leg or something, because he didn't look/talk/move like our other gay friend does. I mean, it took me a month to believe it. I guess I was expecting him to "act gay" somehow... I was ok around him for the first 2 or 3 months. But now I'm going crazy. First, I started to feel uneasy around him. A few weeks later, my hands were shaking and I felt really nervous. A few more weeks and I started to avoid him. My friends thought I had something against him and it took them a while to believe that I didn't... So, I stopped avoiding him. But it got worse for me. Suddenly, I felt like being around him all the time. Out of nowhere. And that's when I woke up one day, thinking about him in a different way... I really like him. A lot. Although I've never felt like this before (not even for my ex-"girlfriend"), could I be gay? I mean, I never felt anything for a guy, I think. Not even for my other gay friend. And then suddenly what I feel is so goddamn strong is driving me insane. I'm really not good with these things... I don't know what to call this. But I can't take it. It actually hurts sometimes. What if therapy is messing up my head? If it is, maybe I should stop it. Could anyone give me an advice/opinion?
Talk it out with the other gay friend in your group. He may have some advice for you. Not quite sure what else to say, but it hope it all works out for you. Your Friend, B
Never heard of it..... imostly it comes with time..... but maybe you suddenly realised something? you never know. anyway; talk this out with a gay friend or therapist! it might help you with your problem
Hey CityBFire, welcome to EC! I guess it would be interesting to explore what you meant by seeing the object of your attention "in a different way"...is it sexual, emotional? How do you mean? Answering that question as accurately as possible is an important first step, but you are so much in a rush to find a label that you aren't taking the time to appreciate the feeling. Instead of immediately slapping a label on yourself, try to delay that a little and get back to the person who is making you feel this way. You stated that feelings and emotions are difficult for you, this is no exception I suspect. So try this: carry a small notebook with you, one you can carry in your pocket securely. Next time you see him, try watching yourself a little. Immediately after he's gone, take out your notebook and write what you did and what you said to each other. Try to remember as much as possible. Next, when you have a relatively complete record of your encounter, try to describe in vivid words, images and colours how it is that you felt when you were with him. If words are insufficient, try colours or shapes in the attempt to pin down what it is you were feeling when you were with him. Try to remember what you notice about him physically, what you like, and what you like less, be as specific as possible. Notice what he says, who/what he talks about and try to ascribe an emotion to these things. After two or three such encounters with the guy, you will probably have some greater clarity as to who he is to you. And if you discover that you have fallen in love with him, despite this obvious fact, one can still not say what your orientation is; whether straight, or gay, or somewhere in the spectrum...it is ultimately up to you. It may very well be that your orientation is toward that one guy...so set the label "gay" on the counter-top (leave it for others to find out and make their own assumptions) and go play!
I do agree that maybe I should talk to someone about it, someone close. But I can't do it. Words just won't come out. If I was able to do it, I would rather talk to this guy directly. He's a nice person... very sweet guy. But just the thought of talking about this to anyone is enough to make me shut down... Thank you so much anyway. It feels great to have at least some feedback, since I can't deal with this directly. ---------- Post added 28th Oct 2014 at 07:14 PM ---------- Thank you! I think you're advice might be really helpful. I felt calm after reading it. I'll try that "investigation" system. It actually reminds me of things people told me in therapy. I'll do that... And, about the "new way" of looking at this guy, it's not clear to me, but it might be all of that... sexual, emotional, whatever. Because there were moments when I just wanted to hug him and other moments when... well, let's just say I wanted a lot more than just a hug. God, I'm so messed up... But thank you, seriously!
Who knows?...Perhaps this has been the source of your anger all along; living a lie. Furthermore, you may possibly be bi if this is so. As greatwale said above, don't just label yourself as yet. Explore and ensure that is whats really happening and that is what you really want. We are all right here to support you if you need any help. I wish you well
Thank you so much for your help and support, all of you! After reading your opinions, I found the courage to talk to some of the therapists today. I was prepared for a serious discussion, with ups and downs, but mainly downs... But those guys were actually happy for me. They said I'm fine and that I'm only struggling with my emotions, because I never learned how to deal with them. And that's why it was causing me so much anger. It still does, but it's a much lower level now. They said that the fact that I'm feeling this way right now (towards this friend) it's because I'm finally letting it "flow naturally" (whatever that means). And they believe I'm actually in love... So, I spent the afternoon with him (actually with all the guys and their girls) and I felt a little bit more confident. I'm trying to forget about labels, like you all said. I think the therapists are right (and some of you said it too) about what I feel, but I still can't say it. Not even to myself. So, how could I even get closer to him? I felt so many things today while hanging out with him. I was anxious, eager, scared as hell... but excited at the same time. By the end of the day, I was very calm and happy. But still my heart kept beating like crazy. When everyone decided to go home, I managed to hug him. It was not a romantic kind of hug though... He's been worrying about his grandfather all day, because he's ill, and we all supported him, so I wasn't the only one hugging him. But it was out of this world anyway. Specially because I've never done that before... you know, hugging is not really something I do everyday, so it was a big deal for me. How do you tell or show someone you like them? I mean, more than just "like"? Should I even do that? Or should I try to get signals from him, trying to figure out if he feels something for me?
This looks like a great beginning to the rest of your life! As for the part that I bolded above...well, that is the mystery of attraction my friend! The best you can do is watch him carefully, notice where he is looking, and whether he is looking at you from time to time. Ask him if he is willing to go for coffee, or something, be interested in him, use his name often, smile, and listen to what he has to say...there is no greater attractiveness than you being interested in him, if he is even remotely sensitive to your advances, he will pick up on it.
Thank you! I read your message this morning and thought it would be easier to put into practice... but I got overwhelmed. I guess I was thinking too much. Either way, he surprised me today. We (the whole group) got together in the afternoon and there was a moment when me and him were standing outside alone (waiting for the guys) and he said he wanted to thank me for the support I was giving him, because he knows it's not easy for me to express my feelings. That blew my mind, for so many reasons... I didn't expect him to understand my problems and be so cool about it. After all, the group knows me for two years now, but he basically just met me (a few months ago). I managed to tell him it was ok and that he could count on me anytime. I expected a "thank you" or something like that in return, but instead he just smiled while looking into my eyes for god knows how long... and then finally said "I know". Seriously, why took him so long to answer? I couldn't stop thinking "What's happening here? What did I say?" And what kind of answer was that anyway? I couldn't get close to him for the rest of the day, there was too much going on, but I tried to watch him, like you said. I think I got distracted from my goal and instead of "studying" him, I just couldn't stop noticing how attractive he is. Not just physically, but also his personality. I feel calm when I look at him. It's a bit weird... Again, thank you for your advice!
You think I could go for that already? I'm afraid to scare him off... Isn't it a bit too soon? What if he finds it weird and asks me why I invited him alone? I can't tell him why. I can't even admit it to myself... Heck, I can't even write it. You know, I just remembered... He was very understanding when talking about my problem with emotions. What if I try to tell him what I feel, without actually saying it? Just like asking for his help with things I've been feeling... and then kind of letting him get there by himself. You know, instead of doing this alone and trying to be someone I'm not (confident and self-assured) I would expose my "mental chaos" to him and hope he could help me. Should I do that? Or am I going to ruin it?
Instead of mental chaos, you could try something bold...I don't think it will scare him off: Say this: "I have a confession to make [this always gets someone's attention, pause a little to let him turn to you], as you know, I have a really hard time expressing my feelings, but if I don't say anything right now, I will probably regret it [pause, let your anxiety show a little]...I think you're an amazing guy and I'd like to invite you for coffee, maybe this afternoon, or tomorrow? [don't leave it indefinite, make definite plans!]" As you're saying this, your body language is very important; face him squarely and close, look him in the eyes, say his name often and smile gently. He will probably be taken a little aback, there may be a long moment of silence while he is processing this...DO NOT SPEAK, let the silence talk, keep looking at him smiling...when he says yes, smile a little more, maybe touch his arm gently and say you are looking forward to it as you are saying goodbye. Walk away or let him walk away, after a few seconds, turn back to look at him and wave. If he doesn't get it, he may be more than a little clueless, don't let that faze you. Just go on that date!
Hey! Just wanted to say that things are finally working out for me. I did call him a few days ago and asked him on a date. Turns out that made him suspicious right away. Well, the guy's smart as hell, so I should've known that. Anyway, we got together and I froze up. It was terrible... But, fortunately, he got it. He said he could see I wanted to tell him something. And that was it. I didn't say anything, he made a move and we kissed. Strangely, that was a lot easier than telling him how I felt. Actually, it was so easy that I couldn't stop kissing him. It was so much better than I thought it would be. My fear went away, completely. I guess I just needed to man up and go for it. I don't care if I'm gay or whatever it is... I just want him. We didn't have a serious date that day, since we were making out all the time. So the next day we went out, for real. Just to be with each other without the loud noise of a group. I told him I wanted a relationship, not some kind of "friend with benefits", and he feels the same. So, we're officialy together. I'm still struggling with the idea of labels and believing I was straight and all that... But the way I feel right now is unbelievable. Although we're out to our friends, I'm still going to keep this from my family for a while. I can't deal with so many things at once.
Thank you. I think you just described how I feel right now. One of our friends told us he felt like there was some chemistry between us, so he wasn't surprised by the news. The other guys were cool too. Except for the other gay guy... he didn't say a word and kept some distance. Friends can make a huge difference when we need support. It feels great to date him and be around friends at the same time.
