Very confused. Is this a normal experience? Did anyone go through something similar?

[Sorry about the incoming wall of text]

Hi, I'm an 18 male and am very confused about my sexuality. I'm not even sure how to go about writing this, but I'll give it a shot. I've been questioning my sexuality lately and I just want to know if what I'm feeling is normal. Did any of you have a similar experience? I guess I'll just fill you all in the best I can:

I've always been attracted to women, although I've never had a girlfriend. I've had a few minor crushes, but because I attend an All-Boys school and am not the most social person (I have reasons for this, but they're problems for a different forum) I haven't really had the opportunity to have a crush develop from a "Wow, she's pretty" to anything more serious. I've also had a few crushes on friends' girlfriends, but I'm not sure how many of these were actual attraction to the girl or attraction to the idea of having a girlfriend. Not sure how important this information is, but I'll let you decide that.

Guys on the other hand are more complicated. I think my first male crush was when I started First Year of Secondary School, which is around age 13 for those of you unfamiliar with the Irish education system. I developed a massive crush on one of my classmates nearly at first sight. He was very cute, but not very feminine. I don't know why I developed a crush on him and none of the other attractive guys in my year. Over time the crush faded away. I still look at him and think he's very attractive, but there's nothing else there anymore (he was also a bit of an asshole).

The second major guy crush is a bit more complex. He was, and still is, a friend of mine. I don't know what I see in him, I think he's really cute even though when I look closely I realise he's not that cute. He also has a terrible personality. The crush has subsided a bit over time, but whenever I'm alone with him I really want to be with him. I think he might be attracted to me, as well. The problem is that I'm not sure if I'm interpreting the signs accurately or if I'm interpreting them how my mind wants to. He has a really nice body, too. I've been swimming with him a few times and I'm not sure how I controlled myself.

While talking about this friend, it brings me onto the topic of his cousin. His cousin I only met twice. One time at a birthday and one time last year. At the birthday we were probably only around 14, maybe 15. Oh my god he was gorgeous. I probably made an ass out of myself in front of him with how nervous and desperate I was to make a good impression on him. When I met him the second time more recently all my feelings were gone. He wasn't as attractive as he was back then, and my hormones probably had a major part in my initial crush back when I was going through puberty. I'm far more attracted to his sister now, although she has the personality of a pretentious boot (but a very pretty pretentious boot).

Besides those, there haven't been that many guys who I've had feelings for. There have a couple who I found cute through the years, but nothing major. I find men's bodies attractive sometimes. Not big muscular bodies, but more slender ones. I guess it's the more feminine ones I like. When it comes to the guys that I've found attractive they've been more on the cute side of things.

After saying all that I want to make it clear again that I am attracted to girls. Everything that I've felt for boys I've felt for girls. That is except for guy #2, the friend. The reason for that is probably that I don't have that many friend who are girls that I could feel that was for.

I'm able to appreciate the beauty of a man. I'm able to look at a man and think "Hey, that's an attractive guy" but not be attracted to them, although sometimes I mistake finding a guy attractive for being attracted to a guy.

And that brings me onto my next dilemma: I'm starting to question my attraction to girls. I am definitely attracted to girls, both physically and emotionally. The problem is that over the past few days I've been looking at girls and asking myself "Am I attracted to these girls or am I just appreciating their beauty". It's worrying me. Girls who I used to think I was attracted to I'm now realising that I was just acknowledging their beauty. I feel as if I was only attracted to them because I felt that I had to be. I find it odd that I can be aroused by a man's body and penis, but be turned off when I see the man's face. I'm not sure if this is how I feel or if this is how I was taught to feel. The same goes for gay sex. I can easily imagine myself having sex with the friend I have a crush on, but most other people I can't imagine it. I can imagine oral sex and kissing, but when I try to imagine sex it just feels not quite right. I'm not sure if this is because I'm not sexually attracted to men, or if it's just because of what I was taught.

This is really weird for me. I'm not entirely sure what's normal for a heterosexual and what's not. Is this what other people experienced when they found out they weren't heterosexual? I'm usually only attracted to very cute, almost feminine boys. Is that normal?

Before I finish this I'd like to say a few more things. I've felt a strange way about homosexual relationships. They've always felt right to me. If I realise in the future, however near or far, that I am bisexual (I doubt I'm fully gay), then I'm alright with that. I know my family will support me, they're not homophobic in the slightest. I feel I'll be comfortable with whatever it is I am, but right now I'm just very confused.

 

Re: Very confused. Is this a normal experience? Did anyone go through something simil

OK, so over 3 weeks have passed since I made this thread and I've been thinking it over...

I'm starting to think more and more that I'm bisexual, but I'm not sure. The problem is that I've had these feelings for guys (plus 2 more since starting the thread, another crush on a guy at school and a celebrity crush), but that's it. It's just these select few. Other guys I feel nothing for. I'm pretty sure it's not the same way for women but I've been dissecting my attraction to women so much recently I'm not sure what I'm into anymore. I know I still like women, I actually developed a massive crush on a girl I saw on the Random Members thing on the front page.

I also feel I should mention pornography. I've heard people say on here that it's not a good indicator, but I feel it's worth a mention. Whenever I watch porn it's always with women. Usually straight porn, sometimes lesbian. I usually find lesbian porn boring, I assume it's because there's no male role for me to put myself into. That said, there still were many times I didn't find it boring, though. Gay porn I feel nothing for, though. I've tried it a few times but got nothing from it.

Another thing is that even with the guys I like, it's never really sexual. I find them gorgeous and want to kiss them, hold them, and be held by them, but I never really think about sex with them. With women I do. Is this normal? Am I bisexual or something else? Am I in denial? I really have no idea.

Thanks to everyone so far, you've been a great help to me.