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My situation

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by victhorgomez, Oct 30, 2014.

  1. victhorgomez

    Regular Member

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    Hello, I'm new here, and my story is probably very similar to others.

    I'm 22 and I think that I've always known that I like guys, because I remember thinking about guys around me that looked nice before I even knew what being gay meant. In high school, I thought I had a crush on a girl, because I really enjoyed spending a lot of time alone with her and I always wanted to see her, but nothing ever happened between us. At the time, I thought that I really loved her, but now that I think about guys I've had a crush on, I never really liked her that much.
    I have had experiences with girls, and sometimes, I do think 'Wow, she's very pretty', and stuff like that, but I do not really get turned on by girls or watch porn featuring only women. I've had sex with girls, but I don't really enjoy looking them naked, and a lot of times, I do not even get an erection with girls when we are about to have sex.

    When I went to college, I fell in love with a guy for the first time. It was the typical story: he became my best friend very quickly, we spent a lot of time together and he had a girlfriend, but I thought that maybe he was into me because of some mixed signals (I probably misunderstood all of those signals and they probably meant nothing else than him being friendly). After a year or so, the situation was so stressful for me that I ended up telling him that I loved him. He wasn't really surprised, because we had had some previous conversations in which I had ended up saying things that could be interpreted in things beyond friendship. He told me that he was straight, but he was glad that I had been honest with him and has supported me all along. It has been two years since that.

    During those two years, I've had a major crush on another straight friend (although I never told him about it, and I probably won't, because I'm pretty sure he's straight). I've tried using gay-dating apps, but I've never been comfortable with that, because I didn't want people in the app to see my face (I knew some of the people in there in real life, and I was only out to my straight friend). I was always afraid of letting people see my face, even in private chats, because I didn't want anyone to find out. All of these has been very frustrating, because I never had the chance to have experiences with other guys.

    I ended up sharing my photo with a few people from gay-dating apps, and I decided to have a date with one particular guy. In real life, the guy wasn't disgusting, but I didn't like him too much either. I ended up making out with him at night, but it didn't really feel as good as I thought it would. I always felt a little bored when kissing with girls for more than a few minutes, like... numb, not really turned on. I thought that it was because I was in fact gay, but I felt the same with when I kissed that guy. It was just probably because I had only met him some hours ago and I wasn't really as interested in him as with other guys.

    Two months ago, I decided that I had to do something about the whole situation, because I'm very young and I still have a lot of things to experience in life. I realized that I was putting other people's happiness above my own, and I am probably gay anyway so I had to come out to some people. I came out as gay to my parents, and as bisexual to most of my friends. Both my parents and my friends were very supportive.

    I thought that I would feel completely liberated once I came out, but it hasn't really been like that. I probably feel less stressed than before, but I don't really feel as comfortable as I thought I would. It's probably too soon and I think I'll get used to it with some time. I just don't really feel comfortable talking about it. My friends feel enough comfortable that they even joke about it in a friendly-supportive way, but I don't feel that good about it yet.

    I want to get more experiences with guys to know more about myself, but since I haven't come out to everyone, I still feel a little worried about showing my face in dating apps (even though it is probably not a big problem anymore).

    Have any of you been in a similar situation? What would you do at this point?

    PS: Sorry about my English skills, it's not my first language.
     
  2. Spartan 117

    Admin Team Full Member

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    Right, first off - welcome to the forum! There are a lot of people around here much smarter and wiser than me at giving advice but I'll give it a go. :slight_smile:

    It sounds to me like maybe you came out as 'gay' and 'bisexual' before you were ready! A very brave thing to do- but now other people are more comfortable with your sexuality than you are!

    You're right - I think you do need more experience meeting and talking to nice guys (and maybe other nice girls!). This guy you kissed recently who "wasn't disgusting" and that you didn't really like - I don't think you can be surprised you weren't turned on by kissing him! I don't think I would have been either, and I'm almost 100% sure I like guys. :icon_wink I wonder if it would have been a different story if the straight guys you had a crush on had kissed you years ago. I think maybe then you would have felt the spark, because you had a genuine connection to them. As you know, a genuine connection is hard to find and takes time.

    I can understand you not wanting to put your face out there in public. Although, now you've come out as gay/bisexual, I don't think anyone could really hold it against you! I think the first thing to do, is not to panic. You've been very quick to say "Oh no, I must be gay!" and then "Oh no, I kissed a guy but didn't like it - I must not be gay afterall!". That's a lot of pressure to put on yourself. It's going to take time to properly figure things out. Follow what, and who, makes you happy - and don't rush into anything trying to prove your sexuality one way or another.

    You're not the only one in this situation, and there's plenty of people here on the forum that have been through this. Be patient and don't give yourself a hard time because you don't feel comfortable and sure about your sexuality just yet. :slight_smile: Whatever happens, you will be okay.
     
    #2 Spartan 117, Oct 31, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 31, 2014
  3. victhorgomez

    Regular Member

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    Thank you very much for your advice!
    Yeah, I think that some people are more comfortable with my sexuality that I am.
    It would have probably been a different story if the guys I had a crush on were interered in me too. A genuine connection is indeed a hard thing to find.
    I don't know why I'm not comfortable with more people knowing about my sexuality once I've come out. I've probably rushed into telling other people without me being comfortable with it, but it just felt so wrong at the time to be faking my own desires that I had to do something about it.