Hi, i'm new here, i joined this site because i really don't know what my sexual orientation is. I need some advice on that and i also have some things to get off my chest. Background: I was born with growth hormone deficiency, which means that my thyroid gland didn't produce enough hormones. So i had to get shots everyday in order grow to a decent height. I stopped taking the medication at around 18 since you stop growing at around that age. This deficiency is the reason that i look so young for being 27, i've had people tell me i look like a 14 year old to this day. It also hinders the development of muscles, so i'm not as muscular/strong compared other people. In addition i have a fast metabolism, so i 'am pretty skinny/lanky. I've partially blamed this condition and also my own lack of "game" for being the reason that i've never had any luck with girls. So, as you can guess i've never had any real relationship with a girl, nor have i even kissed one before. Anyway, I grew up in new york, and i bounced around from there to florida to texas. This resulted in me leaving friends behind a lot. During the time when i lived in florida with my mom, i joined a LGBT group in high school because of a bisexual friend that asked me to go with him to one of their meetings. I did it for him and also because i wanted to feel like i was a part of something. Before this, i had no experience with homosexuality and really no concept of it. I was just a kid trying make good grades in high school and sex wasn't really on the brain at the time. That all changed really quick. I met this guy ryan, who i still think about to this day . The moment we met we locked eyes and he started putting the moves on me. He would do this weird thing where he would lightly run his fingers up and down my arm, which would send a pleasant shiver down my back. A couple meetings later after getting to know him i worked up the courage to ask him out. We didn't get a chance to do anything much besides hang out and hold hands, hug, stuff like that, but one day when we were walking down the hall in school he pulled me to a corner and kissed me. One would think that this would freak me out but i went with it. I loved it. When we eventually stopped for air we talked some more and left to our classes. I felt like a freakin giddy school girl that entire day lol. Unfortunately my mom and her husband are both severe bible thumpers, plus my mom was overprotective. So i never got a chance to see Ryan outside of high school which caused us to break the relationship off. One day i tried coming out to my mom, her husband, and my stepbrother that i might be bisexual and it was one of the worst experiences of my entire life. My stepbrother thought i was joking and when he realized I was serious he claimed that he didn't want to have anyone that was gay in the family. My mother beat me with a belt a few times when i told her and she mocked me. My mom's husband just ignored me during that time, only muttering inaudible insults at me every so often. It disgusts me to say i have any relation to my mom's husband which is why i don't refer to him as my "stepfather". Anyway, to stop their incessant insults over the following months i told them that i was actually straight and i was just trying to fit in, a lie which they ate up graciously. They, to this day have never brought up this event again. Ever since then i have questioned my sexuality. I tried to forget that event ever happened and i was in denial for a little while because of the way my family reacted. Eventually, i came to accept the fact that i may not be straight, and personally I'm ok with that. The problem is now i live with my dad, and another stepbrother in texas. I have never ever told this story to anyone besides you guys. Even my gay friends don't know. I still think about it and it drives me crazy because i want to have that experience again. Besides that though, i have seen guys that i thought were attractive. For example i met this one bi guy on ******* today who's got this cute indie rocker look going and i think he's hot, lol. At the same time, i have always felt attracted to girls, but i've never gotten intimate, i'm scared to ever even touch them because i'm afraid they might react badly. I sort of dated a girl for a while, we went out a lot and she said she liked me but she wanted to "be friends for a year a see where it goes from there". Only a few months later, she decides to go out with some other guy, and announce her relationship on facebook (ugh i hate facebook). This broke my heart into a million pieces. So i'm confused, am i genuinely bi/gay or am i just fooling myself somehow because of all the heartbreak, rejection, and loneliness? I have been through so much emotional and physical pain in my life, in regards to what you just read and some other things in my childhood that i won't go into. To add on to that i'm also blind in one eye which has caused it's own set of problems. But i've managed to turn a bad hand into a good one by working hard to build a future for myself and by trying to stay positive, but it's so hard to stay positive sometimes when the depression creeps in to say hello. I don't know what to do or who to talk to so i'm posting this here. Thanks for reading this, it's means the world to me and any advice would be greatly appreciated. Fun fact: i typed this entire thing on an ipad. (!)
This is difficult and sometimes it's hard to 'know,' yet at the same time I think most of us know but just don't know we know it already ... If that makes sense. I'm going through confusion around this now as well only my situation is a bit more complicated. My only advice to you - if I had any at all to give - is to get to know your feelings more. Try unplugging your brain and just listen to what your body says. ( I realize this is not always an easy task ) I wish I could be more help to you !!
To go through such a painful coming out and still feel as though you might be bi/gay kinda suggests to me that it's more than just you 'fooling yourself'. I would suggest talking your feelings through with someone, be it with someone on here, one of your gay friends, or even a pet (that last one may sound weird, but trust me, it's surprisingly helpful!) I know it can be difficult to talk about stuff like this, especially with the reaction you got last time you tried. I can only commend you for opening up on here, and I hope you find some help whilst you're here! P.S You typed that entire thing on an iPad!? You must have the patience of a saint; I would have thrown the thing out the window before I'd finished the first sentence.
First off: congratulations for fighting the iPad's autocorrect for all that time! I like iOS but sometimes it can be a bit of a pain when you're trying to write a novel. :lol: I'm really sorry to hear you've been through some rough times. The story you told about coming out to your family sounds awful, and their reaction was completely wrong, but I think you know that already. I'm just sorry you had to go through that. Now, to the question of your sexuality, I wish I could answer that for you but it's a tricky thing that's different for everyone. I will say that when you talk about Brian, you seem to have fond memories of your relationship with him. He seemed to make you happy! The fact you find guys hot, sort of makes me think you might not be what most people view as 'straight', but I think you may have figured that out already :icon_wink As for how you feel about girls - do you find them sexually attractive? The way you said you were upset when the girl you were dating decided to go out with another guy makes me think you might at least have a romantic attraction there? You are absolutely not alone in what you're going through. Lots of people have been in your situation. Some, like the poster above, are going through the same thing right now. Sexuality is a tough subject that can take a long time to figure out. Don't give yourself a hard time just because you're not 100% sure of your feelings yet. My advice would be to try not to worry about what 'label' you come under and follow what makes you feel happy- and whoever makes you happy. As you say, you've been through some real physical and emotional difficulties and come out the other side. Don't beat yourself up about this too. No matter what your sexuality- you will be okay. (*hug*)
To answer your question, yes i do find girls sexually attractive, and i was very much attracted to the girl i was going out with. Also, thanks for the hugs (*hug*) ---------- Post added 31st Oct 2014 at 09:35 AM ---------- Thanks guys, i really appreciate the kind replies and advice. i'm sooo happy no one did a tl;dr after all that writing lol. I think i might talk this over with a friend of mine who's lesbian. I know shes going to be all like "i knew it!", because she thought i was gay but i told her i was straight. It's good to know that at least there are people on here that i can relate to. I just hope no one else ever has the horrible coming out experience that i did, i would not wish that on my worst enemy. Btw happy halloween guys!
I think that if you've found a guy and girl sexually and romantically attractive, you might want to consider the possibility that you're Bisexual. You're right, your Lesbian friend should be able to give you some good advice and she'll help you out. After all, she'll have been there before! I hope my advice wasn't too awful and you feel a bit better about things now! Don't worry the hugs are free! :icon_wink Have a nice Halloween! Now, if you'll excuse me, I just have to go and turn into a bat... *flies away*
Do you have to turn into a bat because you're *snickers* BATMAN!!! lol sorry that was corny but I had to. Anyway your advice was great and I appreciate it very much.
