Hey forum, It's difficult to put into words. So I'll just dive right in. I could desperately use some advice because I can't talk to anyone about this. My current situation is that I am in a relationship with a great guy with whom I mentally click. He is interested in the same subjects as I and quite bright. I was immediately drawn to him because his strengths, but also his insecurities and flaws are the same as mine. But I have always struggled with feeling awkward in straight relationships. Something doesn't feel right when I, a girl, am in a relationship with a man. It makes much more sense when two girls or two guys are together! At first I came out to myself as gay, to the world as bi. I had a very dissatisfying (secret) relationship with girl, got confused again and ended up dating men again, because I thought women weren't interested in me and there were many men at the time who were asking me out. So now I am in a straight relationship. I found out that women weren't interested in me because they assumed I was straight. When I was drunk, I told a group of gay/bi girls about my attractions and experiences with women. They were surprised! Some later individually informed me that when it wouldn't work out with my boyfriend, I could always go to them. Now I was surprised! And intrigued. My boyfriend is a great guy. I am his first girlfriend. He loves me a lot. He would do anything for me. And I certainly love him. It is so nice to have someone that genuinely cares. I have never before experienced that. His family likes me a lot and couldn't be happier that he has found someone that he loves. I am torn between staying with my boyfriend or breaking up and pursuing girls. I am certain that I like women more than I like men. Romantically I am most definitely gay, sexually I am leaning heavily towards women. BUT I read that there are a lot of gay women in happy, heterosexual relationships. They say that they are not as attracted to their boyfriends as they are to women, but he is special, he is nice, he fits really well with them and therefore they stay with him. This makes me doubt myself a lot, because my boyfriend is the first person who understands me and cares so much for me. Will I be able to find such a person again when I leave him? A lot of websites advice people to stay with amazing people and stop looking around, because what are the chances that they find someone who is as nice as them? I am also afraid that I don't know what real romantic, sexual attraction is because I never really experienced it. I am afraid that I end up regretting not having experienced relationships with amazing girls. I don't know if I should stay with him, or break up with some. Some days I have made up my mind about breaking up with him, other days I realize how good of a person he is and I am convinced I want to stay with him. I am 20, he is 21. We have been in a relationship since this April. Please excuse my awkward English, I couldn't focus but really needed to get this off of my chest.
Oh wow! You are in a tough situation! I was there once.. but i'm completely lesbian so I couldn't stay with my bf and fake love him like a girl is ''suppose'' to love a guy. I was too busy crushing on women and eventually he picked up on it and I admitted to him I adore women and want relationships with them. He was my best friend and thank god we were only going out for a few months.. He took it well and we're still friends to this day. Anyway.. If you feel it is wrong of you to lie to your bf about loving him with your whole heart like a straight girl would then I would probably consider breaking it off with him. Yes you would miss out on an amazing relationship with a woman because you being attracted to them is what makes it so damn amazing when you're actually in a relationship with them! You desire them and they desire you. Not the other way around. You can't hold onto heterosexuality like it's a shield of some sort.. If you are ever scared of your sexuality.. don't be! The world is changing and people are becoming more accepting! It's upto you Laura! Good luck with everything x
I am possibly not the best person to give advice, but it sounds from your post that you are very sure that you are gay. To continue with this lovely guy and his family would be dishonest if he doesn't know that, and I think that would be betraying his trust and ultimately you cannot live a lie. If you tell him, and he says he wants to give it a try anyway, then that is different. Who knows, he could be a lifelong best friend, but you really need to be honest with him, tell him that you are with him because he is amazing but you are basically gay. You are 19 and if this doesn't work out, you will meet many other amazing people in your life, I promise you. if you were 50, I would perhaps say, well maybe if you can have a good life with this one person in all other ways, then it is perhaps worth the sacrifice to put less focus on sexuality. But at 19, I don't think you have to make that call yet.
I'm currently facing the same issue, and I'm not sure what to do. I've been with my boyfriend on/off since I was 19, but I decided to stay with him then and since then we've had 3 more kids. So, now, my decision to stay with him or not is a bit more difficult. So, if I were you, I'd break up with my boyfriend or take a break, that way you can figure out what you truly want. For me, I was too busy trying to deny my feelings and yet here I am still facing the same situation. I mean, I've been with a few women during the times when my kids father and I were off. So, I've had quite a few experiences to know that I actually prefer to be with a woman. I know it's probably not what you want to hear, but if anything, you should listen to what your heart is telling you. I love my kids, don't get me wrong and I wouldn't be who I am today without them, but I regret that I tried to deny my feelings for the sake of trying to be normal/trying to fit in. So, whatever you do, decide based on you're feelings and not because you don't want to hurt anyone.
I actually thought about doing the same thing you're doing right now , it has crossed my mind a few times , women don't apporach or hit on me for the same reasons they think I'm straight . Men ask me out all the time , I always thought I should try being with men , and I have only to find out I always wanted women couldn't stop thinking about women . I've reached the point where I think i'm better off being alone than leading some guy on or living a lie . If I were you I'd break up with this guy but let him down easy , why drag someone in a lie it's much better for him to find someone that can return his feelings and feels the same way about him that he feels for them . Yes he might get upset but it's better for him to be upset now than for him to be upset later to find out he wasted years of his life being with someone that does not feel the same way about him , and it will be better for you as well because it would be better for you to not waste years of your life with someone you don't feel the same way about . It's not fair to him and it's not fair to yourself either . I know my answer would be unpopular but let him go before you hurt him any longer .
If this was in the OP I apologize, didn't see it, need to ask you a question. Does he know your desire for women?
That's great to find a person who cares so much and is there for you every time you need them but, I believe, it can only work if all of this is mutual. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 14 years and I'm sure I loved him. I loved him the most I was capable of loving a man but I've never been able to give him back all the care he'd deserve from a partner. The relationship was always a little abnormal, we couldn't live together and stuff what I think is why I was able to stay with him for that long. Also, I didn't know I'd rather be with a woman back then. When I realized what my true sexuality is everything made pretty much sense. It doesn't matter if he's a great guy who loves me tons and if my family approves or not but I want... I need to be with a woman. I feel it in my heart. Maybe I won't be able to find such a caring person as he is but it's important for me to be with someone who I'd be able to genuinely care for and who I can be natural around. It doesn't matter if there are gay women in happy heterosexual relationships, what's important though is what you want and need. If you feel like the current relationship can't fulfil you it's better to end it the sooner the better because the longer you wait the more difficult it'll become, believe me. To quote a line from a TV show I like "The last thing you want to do is look back on your life and wonder, if only." Wishing you all the best. (*hug*)
This is an awfully late response but I want to thank you all for your contribution you are amazing, and made it all very clear for me. Thank you for your support <3 The thing is, as soon as I had made this thread, I felt guilty and didn't look back. I went back to this site to ask AGAIN whether I should stay or break up. I remembered vaguely I had been posting some stuff on here so I checked, and here are the threads started by me: - I am afraid that I am a lesbian after all. 27 december 2013 - Lesbians, how did you know? 3 januari 2014 - Something missing in straight relationship 29 may 2014 - Struggling lesbian, straight relationship. 13 june 2014 - Straight relationship and a lesbian? Need advice! 1 november 2014 The thread I wanted to post today, was called 'should I break up with him or am I making a mistake?' I am an awfully doubtful, unsure person. But I must say, on this topic I am doubtful with reason! Being with him is comfortable and fun, my boyfriend is caring and supportive. To come back to sldanlm's question: yes, he knows I like women but that he is an exception. He makes jokes about it all the time and likes that he can talk about women with me. As you can see, he truly is a wonderful person and I would do anything to prevent to hurt him. Right before christmas, I unintentionally got drunk with my mom. I told her everything, all my doubts, that I was gay. We made a deadline when I would break up. Than christmas happened, my family met my boyfriend and everyone was THRILLED to meet him and LOVED him. I still receive compliments about how awesome everyone thinks he is. And I do too. But it somehow doesn't feel right and these threads started by me are painful evidence. I made up my mind, this can't continue. It's unfair to him. Maybe I will let him read everything I posted here (after I preread them to check if there isn't anything too hurtful on here). Tomorrow I will confront him with my doubts. It isn't a good time, but last month wasn't a good time, the month before that also wasn't a good time; it just never is. I hope we can stay friends.
I think you should definitely talk with him. You are young and have lots of time to find the right person for you. If you are convinced he is the one, think about if an open relationship could work for you both.
Although it crossed my mind, we both aren't the people for open relationships, so I never seriously considered that. I do hope I'm making the right decision. Last night, when I wrote my reply, I was certain, although I felt bad about it. I woke up, and now I am feeling flat out miserable about this situation, I have no appetite and have a huge headache. I can't deal with this. I will meet with him tonight. To make me feeling even worse, when I messaged him last night that I wanted to meet with him, he asked me whether I would like to go on a trip with his friends next summer, offered me that he would like to cook something for me, and ended our short messaging with saying that he always loves to have me around. And now I just want to hug him. This day will be hell. I don't know if I will be able to prevent myself from convincing myself that he is a good person so I should stay with him. And being genuinely happy for a short while, only to circle back to this site with another thread.
Maybe my opinion is unpopular but anyway: It makes me uncomfortable and a little bit angry to see a man who loves you and cares for you completely unaware of the fact that you would prefer to be with a woman instead of him. The fact that he is so nice and devoted makes it even worse. I see two possible paths for you. One of them is being honest right now. The other is keep going with the relationship, gettting serious and many many years later leaving him because you are dying to be your trueself. I hope that you choose the first. Don't fool yourself into believing that you prefer to stay with him because he is treating you so well. You stay with him because you are afraid to be your trueself and afraid of not finding love with another woman. Stop being selfish, don't fool yourself and please stop fooling him.
I hope today doesn't go as badly as you fear. I'm thinking about you, and I hope you have the strength to tell him how you are feeling. What you both choose to do with that information (break up, take a break, see other people and each other, etc.) will depend on you both, but he has the right to know that you are not as attracted to him as to women. I'm sure you wouldn't want to be on the other end of not knowing if he were more attracted to men.
